Sunday, November 26, 2006
♥ 10:56 AM
Is this it?Had dinner with him last night, and yes, I felt awkward. Out of place. Like a child who had been caught stealing from the family cookie jar.
The longing, the admiration, the hope gave way to apprehension, as I was made to evaluate my feelings towards this remarkable young man.
To submit to him, to love him despite his flaws, to live with him for the rest of my life; am I looking at this issue from the right perspective?
At my age, it is no longer about having fun, or getting attached because you feel like it. Committment comes into play. Marriage is now something oh-so-real.
Sitting in his car, on our way back, I made a decision: to let go and let God. There is only so much I can do on my own.
It is now the morning after.
I feel sad, yet relieved. With exams coming up, not to mention church camp too, there is much to be done, people whom I need to focus on, and my own emotions to take care of.
There is a time and place for everything, and maybe, just maybe, the wait needs to be extended just a little more.
Let go, and let God...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
♥ 3:55 PM
Silly meHad a marketing test at 12 noon yesterday, so I got to school at a very safe time of 1.30 p.m.
Apparently, I had mistakenly thought that the mid-term was to be held at 1.45p.m instead and so, only dragged myself out of the house at 5 after 1.
Imagine my shock when Mabel called me and enquired if everything was fine because I failed to show up at the scheduled time.
My heart stopped for a few seconds there before I fervently began to pray. Nothing seemed to make sense at that moment.
I prayed, for God to calm my heart down. I prayed, in faith that He will make everything right.
Praise the Lord for what transpired later on.
Although he was greatly displeased by my carelessness, Prof Han graciously allowed me to sit for the mid-term together with his later session.
The relieve I felt was so acute that I could have hugged and kissed him then.
I later duly completed the test to the best of my ability and went on home, but not before stopping at Bugis where I acquired a new dress :)
No, I do not doubt for a second that it was God at work. His grace has once again, delivered me. His love, once more, humbles me, and renders me speechless.
No, never again will I doubt and question His faithfulness. Never again will I attempt to peg my happiness to earthly things which disappoint and eventually fade away.
It's amazing how God reveals Himself in the most simple, ordinary events around us.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, November 19, 2006
♥ 11:34 AM
Post 555
Yes, this is my 555th post. How time flies - it's been 3 years since this blog was set up.
I know this probably calls for some sort of celebration, but I'm simply unable to summon up more than a few pathetic ounces of happiness right now.
Dinner with Aunty Sock Hoon and the girls was good - we had yummy yong tau foo at Kitchener Road - and later went for a walk at Heartland Mall before service commenced.
All throughout yesterday, my mood was anything but good and the same feeling of heaviness lingers still, although I do feel marginally better this morning after spending some time with God.
Letting go is always a scary process. In surrendering, I am petrified that God will take him away from me, that this will be the end. However, at the end of the day, my Abba Father only has my best interests at heart, although I might not view it as such at this juncture.
My feelings for him has never been stronger, but there is only so much a girl can do. For now, let me rest. I am tired.
Spoke to Rachel after service last night and my defenses came tumbling down. Unshed tears ran unchecked down my cheeks, and for the first time in ages, I openly wept. Gut-wrenching, shuddering sobs.
There was just so much grief, so much terror, so much apprehension which I had been unwilling to deal with, much less relinquish to my loving Saviour.
When Rachel ministered to me, everything which I was afraid to confront surfaced, and I was no longer able to hide my brokenness. As she held me in her arms, reassuring me that everything will be made fine in God, thoughts of a future without him raced through my mind, and it hurt. A great deal.
Every word contained in this post reflects my pain, my struggles.
The hopes I hold dear, the memories of time I've shared with him all seem so distant. I try to reach out, to touch him, but I can't.
More tears will be shed, and it will take time for me to recover, but I am trusting that in my darkest hour, I will not be alone.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, November 16, 2006
♥ 1:48 PM
Running with scissors
How dangerous.
Shared a most intimate aspect of myself with the rest last night during cell. Yes, I risk being found out; he might just piece everything together and experience an EUREKA! moment but I'm taking my chances.
Supper at Chomp Chomp later on was good, but not because of the food - I only had some sugarcane juice courtesy of "I'm forever 18" Glenn.
Somehow, listening to Glenn edified me, and I'm thankful to God for continually placing Godly brothers in my midst.
Discovered something new about him too, not from him personally but from the rest present. Increasingly, as the flaws begin to surface one after another, I find myself struggling more and more.
Can I live with these shortcomings? Does he possess the qualities I am indeed looking for in a partner? Is this really God's will for me?
These are burning queries which I have presented to God, and my load has indeed been lifted from my shoulders.
For now, my focus is on living a life which shouts His fame.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
♥ 1:58 PM
A roundabout
Ever driven round a erm, roundabout?
Without any knowledge of where you are going, you will find yourself returning to the same point over and over again.
It can be amusing at first, but frustration is bound to set in after you've been circling the same area for an extended period of time.
I have never been a fan of roundabouts; just when things are starting to look up, you find yourself back to square one yet again, much to your dismay.
The tumult of emotions, the oscillation from extreme jubilation to abject desolation can be oh-so-daunting at times.
I feel as if I am lost in a maze. A maze which is threatening to capture me in its menacing, vice-like grip.
Help.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, November 12, 2006
♥ 4:42 PM
Revelations
Sometimes, the answers you have been searching for, praying for, are not quite what you might expect.
Sometimes, the truth hurts a whole lot.
I uncovered things yesterday. Facts which I might have been happier not knowing.
As he drove, my questions tumbled out without much provocation, and the responses disappointed, not merely because he was so honest, but also because they were not the words I yearned to hear.
Bit by bit, I am beginning to see him as he is, and the sight is far from encouraging.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, November 09, 2006
♥ 10:16 AM
Daily breadI love my new cell.
The people, the fellowship, the laughter, the honest testimonies. Every single being is a timely blessing brought into my life by my Lord and Saviour.
Spiritually, I feel as if a growth spurt is being experienced, and boy is it one exciting ride. Just a few months ago, I could not, would not imagine serving in any church other than the one in which I was baptised and confirmed 7 years ago.
Goes to show that God works in wonderous, mysterious ways.
In my service to Him, I've also been presented with opportunities to get to know that special somebody better. No, he cannot on any account be considered "gorgeous" or "hot", but the more I get to know him, the lovelier he becomes.
Although I know that I ought to guard my heart, I have to admit that I am struggling.
He might not feel the same way, but then again, he might. This I will never know, not until he reveals his intentions to me.
Until that time of reckoning, let my focus be on God exclusively.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."Jeremiah 29:11 *~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
♥ 5:33 PM
The world's richestMy lil' sister had a personalised acrylic keychain made for me at one of the stalls at the Pasar Malam at Lorong Lew Lian, and it is beautiful.
No, it came not from some fancy stall with nice boards and attention-seeking lights.
Rather, the operator was a Malay man in his twenties, who hawked his ware from a low table which displayed the various designs his products were available in. Propped up on the table was a simple sign detailing the cost of having the key chains made.
He carried no expensive tools. Just a small box of acrylic pieces in differest colours, a small saw and some sandpaper.
My heart ached at seeing how he laboured to produce each intricate piece of work, how little he was subsequently paid for his efforts, and how customers failed to reciprocate the genuine smile he offered to each of them.
5 dollars was all it took to purchase one of these little keepsakes. As I observed his skilful hands at work, I couldn't help but wonder if this humble business was enough to provide for his family - will his beautiful children be decently fed and clothed? Would they also have a solid roof over their heads?
Yet, I could not, did not want to pity him. With each completed key-chain, you could see pride clearly evident in those lively eyes of his; eyes which communicated contentment and even joy.
He might not have the most expensive car, or the biggest house, but what he has, money can never buy.
In our quest to become the best in what we can be, more often than not, we lose more of ourselves as our journey progresses.
Encountering this particular individual at a most unlikely place forced me to rethink and to refocus, to define once more what matters the most to me.
God, family, friends, loved one (well, it's one-sided but there you go). These people mean the world to me.
I am not denying that material possessions are important. Rather, I am recognising that all too often, we place emphasis on the material, which is ephemeral and will one day, perish.
Rejoice in the Lord always... *~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, November 05, 2006
♥ 2:21 PM
RandomnessThere exists somewhere in my archives a post with a similar title but this was the best I could come up with.
My apologies.
Honestly, I am fatigued. More so than I've been in a long while.
It's not just school, not just church, not just him.
I can't quite describe my current state of mind, only that right now, I am too tired to even cry.
There's a meeting in school in about 30 minutes' time, and I'm not sure how I will manage to haul myself there.
But what needs to be done has to done.
Let it not be said that I am an irresponsible person.
~Please take from me my life, when I don't have the strength to give it away to You, Jesus *~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, November 04, 2006
♥ 2:19 PM
Dinner and a little dance...2 eateries along Purvis Street will never be the same again. At least to me, that is.
Had a wonderful, albeit rather late dinner last night and although the time spent was but a couple of hours, it meant the world to me.
Somebody cared enough to take time out of his busy schedule to spend time with me.
Somebody looked at me and regarded me as a young woman, not a girl any longer.
That same somebody, too, made me feel emotions which I have never felt before.
The talk, the laughter, everything seemed special.
It was not any place special, nor was it an extravagant meal. In fact, the beauty of the moments we shared came from the simplicity of the venue and the fare.
With no lavish decor, no delicacies to distract us, conversation flowed, and I felt truly blessed.
He could never know that way before we were given a chance to interact on a more intimate basis, God has already whispered his name in my ear.
The manner in which we were eventual placed into the same circle in church 2 months ago was no coincidence.
God truly works in wonderous ways.
Now, I am praying and waiting that my own little miracle will happen very, very soon.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
