Sunday, October 30, 2005
♥ 5:00 PM
A lesson learnt
Despite my misgivings, I eventually attended Claire's surprise birthday party at Pasta Fresca (East Coast Beach). Before anything else is said, let me just wish Claire a very HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY!
Although my time should have been spent on my work, the trip down was worthwhile. The friends, the food, the fun, it was amazing. Post-dinner activities included me taking a stroll along the beautiful beach with Claire. It was most therapeutic to chat with our birthday girl whilst letting the sound of the waves serenade us.
As a matter of fact, those precious minutes spent talking to Claire was the highlight of my whole evening. Thanks Claire. :)
Year by year, as all of us mature, lessons are learnt. Some would be imparted to us in the most delightful of ways; others, the most painful. Yet, when all has been said and done, one thing remains constant - we would never the same person we were perhaps a year ago. Life is a dynamic force which never ceases to undulate in unexpected ways.
For me, I have learnt to be wiser when it comes to picking my friends. In all honesty, I have made mistakes in trusting the people whom I trust. And I have paid for these slip-ups dearly. The heartache which I have subjected myself to has made me a different - and hopefully wiser - person.
Too often, I have remained bias towards those whom I feel I can trust, even in the face of the most incriminating evidence which obviously states otherwise. Last night, however, something became frightfully clear - there is no reason to shield the people whom I know would have no qualms about hurting me.
You have betrayed my trust in you for the very last time. There would be no more second chances. I would continue to respect you as a team player and a leader, but you would, from now on, cease to be my friend. It's not you. It's me. This is not an issue about you. You are no longer important to me.
Self preservation has never been more vital.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, October 27, 2005
♥ 8:40 PM
Keep out!
It's amazing how a perfectly wonderful day can be marred by an inconsiderate action on someone's part. It's disappointing how you cannot trust someone whom you believed you could.
Some things are not meant to be divulged. I regret trusting you with too much. I regret opening up my heart to you so many months ago. Why have I been blind to the concerns of those around me I do not know. Maybe it's your charm, maybe it's your personality. Or maybe I have just been too overwhelmed by your smarmy ways to think straight. Either way, I have lost faith in you.
I seriously wonder if you have any EQ at all.
Every attempt I have desperately undertaken to salvage this friendship has been carelessly ruined by you. I wonder why I am even trying when you do not seem to value the sanctity of our friendship.
You know what? I am so throwing in the towel. I QUIT.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, October 24, 2005
♥ 11:09 PM
I love big butts and I cannot lie...not
Had a publicity video shoot for fencing today and horrors to horrors, my breeches do not really fit anymore.
The strong dose of reality check when I looked into the unforgiving gym mirrors almost knocked me out.
My behind is now the size of Africa and my thighs are like thick tree trunks.
That's it. No more beloved desserts from Miss Clarity Cafe. No more buffets. No more senseless eating.
It's now out with the food, and in with the exercise and diet.
Putting on weight sure is easy. Losing it is a whole new gameplan.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, October 23, 2005
♥ 8:42 PM
Stay focused
I have come to a conclusion that it is impossible to please everybody. Regardless of how well you think you have done in terms of making decisions, there would be someone you would have to disappoint, some people who would not agree with your choice.
At this juncture, I have to constantly remind myself to stay focused and to try to be as objective as possible. This is no easy task, and admittedly, I am struggling.
So for all those who have been hurt by me, please forgive me. I am learning as I go along, so give me time.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, October 22, 2005
♥ 3:30 PM
As week 9 draws to a close...
In a blink of an eye, more than half a term has flown past. It's amazing when I look back, and everything seems to be a lifetime away.
A year ago, I was a mere freshman, newly inducted into the dynamic environment of a university. Then, armed with a youthful naivete and vigour, everything appeared rosy. Nothing was ever too difficult. I felt on top of the world.
One year on, having settled into the lifestyle of being an SMU graduate, I am beginning to feel tired. Jaded even. In the space of 365 days, I have battled hard to overcome an eating disorder, endured the pain of a failed relationship, dealt with having my self-esteem hit rock-bottom. There were days which I felt like going to sleep, and never waking up again. There were days which I thought of myself as being unloved and unwanted. These are moments which I never want to relive ever again.
Although life has gradually returned to normal for me, I am undeniably weary. I surprised myself by being unable to fence more than 2 bouts last evening during training, even though I have been looking forward to holding my beloved blade in my hands again.
I shocked myself by not even wanting to spend time with the fencers though I miss them so very much. By 7pm, sheer exhaustion had forced me to call it a day and to drag myself home.
Truth be told, there is nothing for me to complain about because God has been nothing short of wonderful to me. However, there is a sense of loss which I keenly feel. There is a part of me which has gone missing. And I want that aspect reinstated in my life.
In all honesty, I yearn dearly for the exuberance and confidence which once helped to define who I am.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, October 21, 2005
♥ 10:08 AM
Never MSN in class...EVER.
Was in class yesterday afternoon, minding my own business and paying absolute attention to the sweetest professor ever - I was having T&A with Prof Forrest Zhang when my sister came online.
Cues famous Jaws music.
Of course, being as close as we are, we feel an insane need to communicate whenever possible and so, she chats me up. Nothing wrong with that, except my tendency to burst out laughing periodically when chatting with her.
So that was what happened. In the middle of a most serious lecture on - yes I'm not joking - suicide.
If you think that this embarrassing situation happened once, think again. It occurred twice for crying out loud. The culprit behind my second (and ahem, louder) outburst was none other than an emoticon featuring the bobbing head of one of the professors. Morbid I tell you.
Just visualize the whole scene in your heads my darlings. You will see that it really isn't as humorous as it seems.
"Blame brother. He sent it to me."
Ok bro, because it is always easier to fault a big strapping young man rather than a frail innocent girl, you will be made the scapegoat.
Thanks for helping me make a fool of myself during class. *sticks out tongue*
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, October 20, 2005
♥ 12:03 AM
Here's my new hp...Motorola RAZR V3
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 12:01 AM
Another shot of my black beauty!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 12:01 AM
a bit blur...but u can still see how pretty it is!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
♥ 9:24 PM
Of handphones and apricots
Overslept this morning and it was a mad rush to get to school on time. The sight of me clutching my Bible and praying in my dad's car on the way to school must have amused and confused many drivers and motorcyclists alike.
Econs was nightmarish as usual - I am not a fan of 8.30 classes - but it was made better by Darryl's darling of a phone. Having requested that he surrrender his little black beauty to me, I proceeded to get acquainted with the Motorola Razr V3.
After so many weeks of searching for the perfect phone, I have found it in the Razr. I am marching down to my friendly neighbourhood mobile phone shop run by a couple of leering young punks tomorrow to procure my brand new phone.
The excitement is overwhelming. I am like a child on Christmas morning, eagerly awaiting to get her hands on those precious little ribbon-topped presents underneath the christmas tree.
On another note, I was extremely touched by Darryl's sweet gesture.
Upon returning home, I was lazing around in bed, trying to ignore the essay begging to be written when my phone beeped.
Lo and behold, it was Darryl, informing me that he had recalled me mentioning my fondness for fresh apricots and how he did not manage to get them but he would buy them for me the next time round.
Now this may seem like a trivial matter, but factor in the idea that Darryl is (1)a new-found friend, (2)the apricot trivia was just a passing comment, and (3)fresh apricots are overpriced and you would understand why I was pleasantly surprised by his attentiveness.
It is little actions like this that bring me so much joy. You can imagine the smile which adorned my face as we traded SMS-es for the next couple of hours. Really, it has been some time since I have felt so moved. I never imagined that an offhand comment would be deeply etched into someone's memory. Never thought that such seemingly fragile aspects of our daily interactions can bring people closer to one another.
The intricacies of our relationships can be so alluringly amazing at times.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, October 17, 2005
♥ 11:02 AM
You and Me
Time and time again, I have given you chances, I have been most patient, I have always believed in your promises.
Yet over and over, you have never failed to disappoint, never felt the least bit remorseful, never cared about my feelings.
I wonder what it is that I see in you. I must be blinded by stupidity and the dangerously hazy concept we call infatuation. Why do the things you do to make me happy, only to cruelly shatter that screen of bliss which you have built around me with your callous, thoughtless, selfish actions?
It is pure folly on my part, I admit, to allow you to lead me on this meaningless journey to self-destruction.
Last night, you proved to me just how little you care about me, and yes, I guess I should be thanking you for this painfully enlightening experience. You think that you can fool those around you with your staged acts of gallantry, but you do not fool me. At least not anymore.
So go, get out of my life, do not bother me anymore. While you are at it, here's a pretty kite for you. Go fly it.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, October 15, 2005
♥ 11:36 AM
Nice and simple
A big bouquet of disgustingly expensive flowers on Valentine's Day. A box of exorbitantly priced chocolates from Godiva's. A piece of diamond-encrusted jewelry. The things that would make any girl swoon.
Throw in the perfect partner with a "hot bod" (complete with to-die-for washboard abs), a fat bank account worth more than "peanuts", a luxurious continental car and a girl's life would be perfect. There would be nothing more she could ever hope for.
Wrong.
Undeniably, looks and wealth do matter to a certain extent, but they certainly are not the be all or end all. What good is money if you are constantly without a partner to cuddle and coddle because he is too busy trying to accumulate more wealth to keep you satisfied? What good is a handsome mug if beneath it all lies the most hideous, grotesque soul you would not touch with a 10-foot pole?
To me, romance means doing the little things that matter. That SMS which says "I miss you", that affectionate hug, that gentle goodnight kiss; things which people have sadly come to take for granted.
To me, love is being able to say goodbye. It is never about possession, it is never about coercion. Indeed, I am an advocate of the the saying: "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Every bittersweet encounter leaves us stronger. Every heart-wrenching experience helps to grow.
I am a simple girl. I have simple needs. Just gently holding his hand, just snuggling up next to him, just being next to him, gazing up into his loving eyes would make me the happiest girl.
When my tears have finally dried, when I have finally moved on, I may look back on this period of my life and laugh at my gullibility. I may dismiss this episode as something too insignificant to warrant any attention.
I might, but I won't.
If you should return to me,
We truly were meant to be
-Butterfly, Mariah Carey-
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, October 13, 2005
♥ 12:07 AM
A Lovely Evening
Met the fencers for dinner at Marche, and I brought along a friend. If you ever read this, thanks for your company. I had a lovely time with you. :)
It has been some time since I have felt so relaxed, so at ease with myself, so unperturbed by his actions. And you know what? It feels awesome.
For too long, I have been shackled to him. For too long, I have been reliant on him. For too long, I have been vainly holding on to the vain hope that he would have a change of heart.
Finally, I have moved on. At long last, I am liberated.
The exhilaration is unbelievable. Trust me.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
♥ 12:49 PM
My beloved Kiki...miss her so much
Poignance.
I thought that I've healed. I thought that time would erase the pain I felt watching you suffer, watching your life ebb away.
I thought wrong.
It's been 6 lonely months since you departed so suddenly. 6 months of not hearing you restlessly hop around your cage and moving your toys around. 6 months of not being able to nuzzle you, putting my face so close to yours that your whiskers would tickle me as you look straight at me with your luminous eyes.
Although I can no longer feel your soft warm body perched on my thigh, although I can no longer gaze at your pretty face and draw comfort from your cute antics when I am feeling lost, the memories which you have lovingly left behind have been etched deeply in my heart.
I miss you my beloeved. So much.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, October 09, 2005
♥ 3:43 PM
The Unknown
Growing up was never meant to be easy. The process of maturing was never meant to be smooth. As we progress from one chapter to the next of our lives, memories will constantly be created.
Some memories were designed to hurt; others will bring a smile to your face whenever you revisit this echo of what you used to be.
However, more often than not, the most painful reminders of our past are the ones most people choose to lock away in the inner recesses of their hearts, where they will always be well-protected.
As we approach the various crossroads of our lives, it is inevitable that along the way, some people would get hurt. Sometimes, those "people" would be us. As we venture into the murky depths of our future, it is our courage and utmost faith in God which will make everything more bearable.
Therefore, as we move on, as we age, as we come into ourselves, it is important to not allow setbacks to dampen your innocent spirit. It is vital to show the people around you that you will not be beaten by those out to get you.
Henceforth, stand up tall, chin up. Come what may, know that God is always on your side. Come what may, always remember that there are people who will give their all, just to see that beautific smile on your sweet face.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, October 07, 2005
♥ 11:53 PM
My Resolution
1)To lose the 5kgs I have amazingly piled on since the start of the year.
2)To put more effort into serving God
3)To spend more time in my studies
4)To become a better fencer both physically and mentally
5)To stop making resolutions which I cannot keep
For your information, I ate a bowl of minced meat noodles (soup) follwed by a huge bowl of cheng tng. Disgusting me.
The battle of the bulge begins right now.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, October 06, 2005
♥ 1:29 PM
Boy Meets Girl
About a year ago, Gary handed me a book with the most nondescript cover. "You have to read it. It'll help."
At that point in time, I was struggling with many issues in my life and while I did nanage to skim through this paricular gem of a book from cover-to-cover, the lessons being taught to me by God did not sink in.
Fast forward to almost a year later.
I walked into the christian bookroom, wanting to secure a copy of Everyday With Jesus but God had something else in mind. Drawing my sister towards the numerous titles of books on sale, He placed "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris into her hands and I remember her saying excitedly to me: "Look what I've found!"
Glancing at the familiar book with its (to me at least) still rather plain-looking title, I merely told her to get it if she wants it - courtesy of me at the expense of my alarmingly empty wallet.
One week later from that Saturday, I am halfway through revisiting the issues which Joshua deals with regarding relationships and sexuality. Never has God spoken to me so clearly about certain aspects of my life which I have oft-neglected. Never has His gentle words been more comforting to me.
Tears have been shed, skeletons in the closet have been painfully dug out as I absorb the words of Joshua Harris but I have no regrets. It is only in resolving these painful events which I have thus far kept hidden due to shame and guilt can I move on.
No more running away. No more shame. No more hurt. The past can no loner harm me. I am safe now.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
♥ 4:09 PM
Upset
Did very badly for econs mid-term.
It frustrates me just to look at my dismal grades and miserable GPA.
Am I angry? Am I sad? Am I disapppinted? I don't really know anymore. If things keep going the way they are going, I can forget about graduating with even honours of the lowest class.
That is simply unfathomable.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, October 02, 2005
♥ 11:47 AM
Happiness where art thou?
Went out for a meal with my family yesterday. Had a hearty dinner at Tambuah Mas - reasonably priced Indonesian food - afterwhich we headed towards Zara and Wheelock Place to do a spot of shopping.
In the past, the old me would find comfort in the purchase of that new blouse, or my acquisition of yet another skirt which I do not need. However, everything seemed different yesterday. I did not buy anything, neither did I want to.
Tried on the most gorgeous pair of slacks at Zara. Was feeling strangely detached as I folded them and placed them back on the shelf.
Visited Crumpler. Saw a pretty, blue, laptop bag. Picked it up, examined it, sighed, and replaced it.
So much has happened. Too much. I can no longer pretend that material goods can bring happiness. I can no longer pretend to be happy when I am not. Is it not ironic that friends - yes, friends - actually come up to me with furrowed brows and ask if there is anything amiss when I am truly letting go and just being myself?
Sometimes I do wonder if it is fair for me to guard myself so jealously and disallow my friends from getting acquainted with the real me. To me, this is all about self-preservation. People cannot hurt me as much if they do not know what my weaknesses are.
If I continue to smile and put up a false front, people would be none the wiser. If they can picture me as this benign, insanely happy girl, then I would have accomplished my goal.
However, I find myself losing grip over this facade as I mature. I am slipping up. I am getting tired.
Past experiences have taught me not to shield myself and push those who love me away. Yet I have stubbornly clung on to the notion that I do not need anyone to survive. How many potentially promising relationships have been ruined because of this trait? How many people have I hurt and disillusioned? I shudder to even contemplate this nagging thought.
Maybe it truly is time for me to learn to trust others.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*