Just so the whole world knows: I got my period today. Every few months or so, my body decides to stage a rebellion whenever this monthly event occurs, and I would be in pain for a day or two. At times, the cramps are so agonisingly terrible that I would collapse and start to sob. Sheesh, and they say that women have it easy. Total hogwash I tell you.

Thank goodness, I've my blog to distract me from the battle that's going on inside of me. Thank God too for making this bearable - at least I'm not writhing in pain like I sometimes do. Well, in a way, periods can be a gift can't they? For a young lady, it symbolises her readiness to procreate. To a sexually active student, it indicates that she has not been saddled with an unwanted preganancy. When we get older, periods implies that our ovaries have yet to dry up and wither. Come to think of it, apart from the fact that this cyclical bleeding causes some degree of inconvenience and physical malady to some, it can be quite useful.

I've just taken a couple of pain killers, so won't be long now before my body starts to shut down and I begin to type gibberish. This is typical of me whenever my body needs rest - I utter complete nonsense. So should this happen here on my blog, please pardon me. Blame the hormones.

I actually intended to write about something depressing again, but I'm beginning to bore myself, hence this rather odd subject of menstruation today. Guess what people say are true: fluctuating hormonal levels do cause some form of anomaly to women. Well, upon serious consideration, that may not necessarily be a bad thing.







Please love yourself. Do not become a victim of your passion. For a long time now, women are the creatures who would offer themselves to men in exchange for a little bit of their love. This often does not happen. The men would typically sleep with the women, comfort her with false words of love, then abandon her, physically as well as emotionally. This story goes out to all girls out there: please learn to love yourself. Do not allow any man to pressure you into doing anything you have no wish to participate in.

I'm one angry chick. I feel indignant. No one has the right to jerk me around. I ought not to settle for second best anymore. Who am I trying to kid? He doesn't care. Ultimately, what he is would be a wily creature who wants to get into my pants. That's all there is to it. No more. I'm done. You go approach your girlfriend. I'll tolerate no more nonsense from you. I'll take care of myself from now on.

My parents were right from the start. I should never have given so much to him. I know now that no matter what others may think, your parents love you very much, and want onl;y the best for you. That is why we should never forsake our parents' advice. They're the most precious weapon one can ever own. Please believe me.







Life's a contradiction. Men are fickle. We have no idea as to what we want. For instance, I cannot understand for the life of me why both Cleopatra and Audrey Hepburn can be called "beauties". For the unenlightened, Cleopatra was plump and tyrannical, while Hepburn was petite, almost pixie-like. Well, make up your minds people. Women suffer the most under such circumstances you know. One moment, dead-straight hair can be the "in" thing and the next, whoa, curls are sexy. Can you imagine people with rebonded hair getting perms? This is a crazy world, but heck, it is rather interesting at times.

Likewise, the Singapore education system is going through a miniature revolution of sort. Sterling mother tongue grades are no longer required in order to make the grade for local universities, and the SATs, implemented just 2 to 3 years ago, are no longer needed for NUS and NTU. Well, although many are taken by stom and others are livid ("I took the test like a hundred times for nothing?!"). For me, I welcome this change, as alterations make life all the more challenging. To all detractors out there, I've this to say: adapt to changes, else you will perish. And this is no joke. No laughing manner. The world is fickle. If you're not flexible, you drop out of the race.

However, should you still be sceptical about the fact that changes can be good, go take a ride down to your nearest shopping mall and treat yourselves to the "excellent" treatment you'll receive from our local service sector employees. It's enough to give you a stroke.







Readers of my blog will know that I've given out my blog address to less than five people - even my best friends know nothing about this blog. Essentially, I feel that only people whom I can trust and are objective enough to not be judgemental should have access to this blog of mine.

Why so? This is due to the fact that I am a very different person when I interact with others. In a way, I put on a false front. It's all a facade. Nothing but a smokescreen to distract others from my flaws and insecurities. I've never really felt wanted. Not in school. Not even at home at times. There's this deep-rooted feeling that no one would ever love me, and this has been aggravated by his rejection.

Even though I know that I've the strength through Christ to make it through this rough patch, I fear that God would wish for me to be single my whole life. Loneliness terrifies me. This sense of dread holds me hostage and as a result, I find it difficult o tell others that I love them. What if they should turn me away? So many times, I just want to look deep into his eyes and to say: "I love you in spite of you". However, I would never say that. It's too difficult. It's too demanding.

I'm drained enough as it is.







What is it with people these days? Why do we have to continue pushing ourselves towards unrealistic goals? For me, all I want is to go to university, land myself a stable job thereafter, and to start a family with the man God has intended for me. There is really no point in chasing impossible dreams. This would only cause one to become jaded and cynical.

This rather harsh post is my reaction to a friend's lofty ambitions. It saddens me to say this, but I seem to be getting increasingly bad vibes from her. Not only is she arrogant, I feel that she is also unable to view things from an objective point of view. Let us be fair: all of us have different aspirations, and it is wrong to try and foister yours on others.

She said this with so much sincerity that I almost believed her - that she wanted to be a doctor and ONLY a doctor in order to service mankind. I would like to point out to her that even if she had accepted the scholarship and taken bioengineering, she would still be able to help the public. These graduates are the brains behind modern medical inventions like artificial limbs as well as a possible cure for cancer. Is that not even better? Like I said, she is merely trying to camouflage the fact that she's after the prestige which comes with being a doctor. I am disillusioned with this friendship.

Perhaps modern people have indeed become smarter, but together with it, many good values have been sacrificed. Family is of utmost importance to me, and I would someday want to be a mother as well as a wife. Why is it that so many have failed to recognise how essential family togetherness is? Although this may sound old-fashioned and cliched, it is my ultimate desire to have a wonderful family of my very own.







Do I feel better today? Yes, in fact I'm in a fabulous state this beautiful day. I guess I've an angry soul. There are times whereby I just want to holler and not stop. There is so much pent up tension in me and frankly, it makes me sick at times. I admit, I think too much, and am too sensitive. This makes me vulnerable to hurt and outbursts. I sometimes feel that the whole world is against me. This can quickly lead to a lot of hurt. The whole viscious cycle of self-reproach then occurs again. Maybe I have a loose screw somewhere up there.

I might have many friends, but I honestly feel that there are few that I can talk to. Seldom do I show my true self to the people I love. Even my parents do not know me as well as they think they do. I am terrified at the prospect of being rejected and shunned should I reveal a new facet of myself which has been hidden all this while. The world judges too quickly. I hate it to the core whenever I have to deal with the many issues I grapple with.

In such dark times, I should turn to God but yes, He seems too distant for my liking. This must be due to the fact that I've been pushing Him away. I'm afraid of getting close to Him. What is wrong with me? Really, I feel that the time is ripe for me to grow up, and to learn how to better serve God as well as to obey Him. I cannot remain in this state forever.







I've often fiddled with the thought of maybe indulging in sex before marriage. I figure that once two people are engaged, perhaps it would be appropriate to do so. However, I've been feeling convicted for harbouring such fantasies. It is still a grave sin. Fundamentally, as a Christian, I know that it is wrong for me to do so. Yet, I do wonder, how do hot-blooded youths like myself keep lust in check?

Many girls have been approached by their boyfriends before, and a large percentage of them do go on to have intercourse with their partners. Why is this so? Essentially, I believe that while guys have sex in order to satisfy their physical needs, girls on the otherhand, have sex in order to secure a portion of their lovers' hearts. Sadly, this almost never happens, and girls become saddled with guilt, grief, and even unwanted pregnancies. This is more than enough to prove to myself that it would be best to wait till post-marriage.

This does not mean that I'm spared from temptation. I'm human afterall, and yes, this is a public apology to God for indulging in such unclean thoughts from time to time. I do think about what it would be like to have sex, and this saddens me due to the fact that I know from this that I'm not strong enough to curb my sexual urges. I do pray for God's forgiveness. I know I'm wrong, and yes, I need Your help to change. To be cleansed of such sinful thoughts.

This is an apology to God. I'm sorry.







Haven't been blogging for a few days now. I've been in this dark dark mood where I hurt so much. The pain is blinding. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Why is it so easy for others to find love while this sweet emotion constantly eludes me? Is this fair to me? What have I done wrong?

Although I've been putting on a brave front, this cannot continue for long. It's only a facade. Like old wallpaper, it'll start to peel bit by bit, till I'm all exposed, naked, vulnerable. How can all of you truly believe that I can possibly be as happy as I seem? Why doesn't anyone care?

Even my walk with the Lord has been affected. In truth, I feel betrayed and angry now. I've tried to apologise, I still pray, but deep down, there's this boiling cauldron of raw emotions that's threatening to spill over and drown all of me. I think I might be sinking fast.

Very often, I try to be optimistic, realistic, but somehow, it doesn't work this time round. I've put in too much love to just walk away when he has found another. I've given too much, and received too little. You're a fucking bastard for making me feel this way. You cannot jerk me around anymore. You have no right to waltz in and out of my life, turning me upside down whenever you feel like it. You and your fucking girlfriend have a very nice day. Hope you can live with yourself for destroying me slowly till there's nothing left.









A Story of A Girl

Once upon a time, in a little humble family, a little baby girl was born to a young couple. She was a cheerful baby who was much loved by all in her family. A year later, another girl was added to the family. The older girl learnt quickly to accept her sister and they grew close.

As they were growing up, they were exposed to much unhappiness. Their family almost broke up, and they were constantly having to deal with a depressed mother who would abuse them emotionally, and a father who strayed. This marred the elder girl's perfect vision of love and marriage. She is badly scarred and became cynical.

Although this was so, they grew up to be young ladies who loved and respected their parents - even their mother. The older girl soon began to experience the pains of growing up, and at 17, she fell deeply in love for the first time. Alas, the man of her dreams was far from perfect. He left her wounded and battered spritually. The young lass felt lost, but she clung on to the faint hope that he would change for the better. She just wanted a little part of his philandering heart.

Two years on, things have hardly improved, and the girl lost her first love to another. Once again, her hopes were dashed. Things may seem tough, but she's hoping that like all fairy tales, she would someday be able to live happily after with her prince.

Are there happy endings on this earth?









I'm a huge fan of Sex and the City, and my friends have likened me to Carrie Bradshaw, the neurotic writer played by the stunningly attractive Sarah Jessica Parker. Personally, I am not TOTALLY similar to Miss Bradshaw, but yes, I concede that I can see the striking similarities between us. For one, her troublesome relationship with John AKA Mr Big echoes my own turbulent relationship with a certain guy who has hurt me deeply. However, unlike Carrie, who found happiness with Mr Big in the end, I doubt that my own little liaison would have a dreamy fairy tale ending to it.

It is spooky how Mr Big and the guy in my life behave the same way. Big romances Carrie for a short while, without telling her that he is not seeing her exclusively, then runs off and gets married. This does not stop him from running back to Carrie for a tryst or two, and they eventually begin an affair. Although not as dramatic, my situation differs little from Carrie's in that we are thrown around by men who do not treasure us nor love us, yet we find ourselves being unable to steer clear of such idiots.

It is my strong belief that I'm not the only one having to deal with this situation. Many women, and young ladies out there, often have to face this cruel fact : that essentially, men are vastly different. They do not think the same way, neither do they place emphasis on the issues which are close to our hearts. Both genders have diverging er, agendas, and this makes all relationships very complicated. In this manner, why do women continue to seek out men who are fully capable of inflicting wounds so deep that they might never heal completely?

The reason is simple : we cannot help it.








Today's a brand new day. Alas, there's nothing much to do except attend yet another driving lesson. Speaking of which, a typical male Singaporean driver usually looks down on a lady driver. This is especially true should the latter be, gasp, a learner (like me).

A lesson proceeds like this: I get into my instructor's car (he's a very nice guy, by the way), I start to drive. Viola, before long, idiots who think that I'm a coward try to perform some spectacular stunt like trying to overtake on my left. At this juncture, I get mad, and I rev up the engine and steer the vehicle till it's a hair's breath away from theirs and of course, this scares the hell out of them. A learner usually doesn't go at 80 km/h on the roads at ubi. That's suicide, but heck, they got me riled. Face the consequences you morons.

On top of that, there are idiots who of course feel that they can drive faster than you and they would try to overtake a learner even though there are no cars behind them at all! Big mistake because this upsets me and I would definitely drive at such a high speed that it makes it impossible for them to overtake me. Eat dirt you good-for-nothings.

Like I say to my friends, driving is not boring. In fact, it is colourful and enjoyable. Laughable even, when you witness dull-as-hell drivers on the road.
And just to set the record straight, women drivers are not all bad.







This is inspired by a post found on my sister's blog. I shall compile my own list too. Here's a few pre-requisites that my future dude must have.

1) Be physically attractive (at least to me)

2) Have nice strong hands

3) Believe in God (muz be Christian la)

4) Treat me nice

5) Have a high level of intellect

6) Not smoke nor drink nor do drugs and the like

7) He must love me. A lot.

This is of course the make up of an ideal man. As long as I feel that he's a God-send, I'll take him.

That's all.







I loathe the day when I would have to go back to school. Two weeks of orientation. Darn it. For those who know me, I detest the whole process of getting to know people through inane games and silly activities. What is the point? Seriously, whoever feels that friendships can be cultivated in this manner ought to be shot in the head. Twice. This is meaningless. Let's get down to lessons proper. There is no fun in watching freshies getting tortured, unless you're a sado-masochist. And I know there are plenty who are running amock out there. Sheesh.

Well, before the dreaded orientation, there's the interview (if I do manage to get myself shortlisted). Honestly, how can one be calm cool and collected when you're placed in front of a firing squad? Those who say they can are either as sadistic as those freaks roaming around out there or they are the most credible liars ever. Frankly, I feel apprehensive when there are interviews but this is the least of my worries. I've been crossing my fingers and toes and praying that I would at least be given an opportunity to attend the terrifying, ego-bashing interview.

Somehow, although chances are slim given my dismal grades, I still have faith that God will see me through this difficult period of time. Not only do I have to grapple with this fear, I'm also having to deal with a broken heart and shattered dreams. The situation is far from rosy obviously, but I can do it through Christ who gives me strength. I must start to believe not only in God but also in myself.

Just do it. I know I can.







"Sway". That's the song that's currently playing on my blog. Truthfully, I can identify with the lyrics of this particular track. maybe because I've too much time on my hands now. Been thinking too much. Is it a curse? Why can't I forget your smile, your face, everything about you? You're bad for me. However, I'm addicted. Addicted to the pain you bring me. I'm going crazy. I try to tell myself that he doesn't care, and that he deserted me for someone else, but I cannot remain angry with him. Am I so weak?

Then again, I might be having such feelings partly due to the anxiety I've been experiencing with regards to my uni application. I'm really praying that I'll get the course of my choice. God will help me. I gotta have faith. Gotta hang on to my dreams.

Wish me luck.







I've a new blogskin, but there seems to be a problem. Crap. Will try to resolve it as soon as possible. meanwhile, enjoy!







Tried applying for uni just now, but something's wrong with the system I guess - it couldn't process my application. Sometimes, I really do feel that when you're feeling down, everything seems to go wrong for you. Murphy's law thus hold true - everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Is life really that tumultuous? Do we have to face that many setbacks in order to gain a little bit of that elusive object we call happiness? In saying that, it seems to be illogical that years of sadness have to be traded in to gain or to earn that tiny fraction of bliss. Am I making sense? I don't think so.

Although it has been said that you're as happy as you want yourself to be, I feel that this is a mere hypothesis and not an actual theory. Imagine this: how many of us in this vast, cruel world can still remain optimistic and cheerful after having been through an ordeal, say, having your child's life taken away prematurely or seeing your riches reduced to nothingness overnight? Get my point? Utter load of trash in my frank opinion. Our minds are, at often times, weaker than what we expect them to be. Hence, the increasing trend of people suffering from all sorts of depression. Heck, all this is starting to really get to me.

I need to escape, but there's nowhere to run.







I got back my 'A' level results. Screwed up. Fuck it. Can't believe I obtained a C grade for econs. Come on, even morons could have gotten a B at least. What the hell is going on? Seriously, this freaking grade is probably going ot ruin my chances of getting into law school. How the heck am I going to compete with over-achievers who scored straight A s? Granted, I did obtain 2 A s, but sometimes it's not enough just to do well in SOME subjects. That is why I personally hate scholastic life in Singapore at times.

University term begins in July, and I would not want to embark on what would likely be the last educational journey I would take in some time should I be given a subject which I have zero interest in. However, given the inflexible nature of our system, I have no choice. To be without a degree would be to commit career suicide. The workforce is simply too competitive. On top of that, one has to be well-versed in interpersonal skills and the like as well. Come to think of it, why was I ever so anxious to grow up? Given another option, I would definitely opt to stay a carefree child rather than having to deal with the complexity of the adult world. Love, work, family. To hell with it. It bears no meaning for me.

Not anymore at least.







I talked to Dawn last night! Unbelievable. She actually called me from Australia and we talked for almost 3 hours! I miss her so much and thank God she's well and happy there. Thank the good Lord for this friendship. It just wouldn't be the same without her. Thanks to her, I'm a lot less anxious regarding tomorrow's release of our 'A' level results. Well, actually I wanted to break down and weep when she called. I guess I've just been a little lonely without her. No more shopping and bitching "kaki". How much can a girl take?

Results will be out tomorrow afternoon, and although I know that I've given it my best shot, I do wonder if it'll be enough. Whatever the case, I'll trust God to see me through, and maye the results glorify His holy name. Oh yes, Dawn's actually attending church over at Melbourne! Praise God for her fervour and faith. I'm truly happy for her. I have faith that we'll all do more than fine! Oh well, just one more day to go.

What is it about people being so anal about changes? The MOE changed the system but so what? I believe that it's for the better and truthfully, if you're unable to adapt to developments in this world, you're doomed. I mean, many are condemning the new system that has just been implemented but I've this to say to them: without changes there'll be no progress. So just take this in your stride. It's not that big a deal. Come on guys, be thankful to be part of this exciting new educational climate. Time to seriously look at life from a different angle. Life is what you define it to be.









I'm Clinton? What a joke. Hahaha....but well, there's truth in saying that I'm an attention seeker...







All the buzz about sex is killing me. What's so good about it? Why is everyone so eager to try it? Gosh, there's really no rush. To be deflowered by a fling is certainly nothing to brag about but yet, many are doing just that. Sex is a level of intimacy that's so high that emotions will definitely be shared between the two people having intercourse. It is then accurate to say that sex is not merely a tool for pleasure. It's a form of communication. As such, I'm proud to say that I'm a virgin at 19 and will be till I get married.

Religion dictates that I should reserve myself for my husband, and yes, I will obey God's instructions faithfully. He has been marvellous to me and there's simply no way I would let Him down once again. I'm leaving the sins of my past behind and moving on. Just as Eve was made for Adam, I know that there's someone out there created to complement me perfectly and I'll wait in anticipation for his arrival. Thank God for his guidance and love.

Results will be out soon, and I'm nervous. Even in the midst of all the madness, I trust that God will minister and deliver. He has guided me through my darkest hour and I have faith that I will perform way past my own expectations. Thank God for His goodness.

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22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
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