Friday, December 30, 2005
♥ 8:28 PM
As 2005 draws to a close...
Tomorrow marks the very last day of the year 2005. It is amazing how I've let the whole year slip by, without really realising it.
Looking back, during this time last year, I was struggling with the same issues which I am trying to deal with currently. Strange how some things stubbornly refuse to change.
As we herald the arrival of 2006, it is with a heavy heart that I am leaving something behind; there is no longer any point in trying, in hoping. It has dawned on me that expectations are too often made in vain, especially when it comes to a certain someone.
Undeniably, the more hope you place in a person, the greater the disappointment one would feel when that faith is found to have been misplaced. I, for one, am raising a white flag. There is no longer a desire in me to fight what appears to be a hopeless battle. I have done all that I can. I will do no more.
In time to come, I will forget you, like you have forgotten me. The wounds would have healed, the scars, faded. Then, maybe I would be able to look back at this whole fiasco and laugh at our silliness, smile at the sweet memories we have created, and sigh at the way we eventually jeopardised this relationship.
Maybe. Just maybe.
je n'ai jamais cesse de vous aimer
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, December 29, 2005
♥ 7:11 PM
An outing
Met up with 7 other fencers last night to have dinner and later, catch The Chronicles of Narnia.
Having wolfed down a substantial amount - it's obscene I tell you - of food at Kenny Roger's earlier on, I went without dinner as a self-imposed punishment. Oh yes, before you call me crazy, I truly had no appetite whatsoever and I could stand to lose a few pounds.
Go have the set lunch at Kenny Roger's and you'll know what I mean.
Generally, although the the movie was so-so in my opinion, I enjoyed the company.
It's not everyday that you are seated next to an individual whom you find attractive when watching movies. The light banter, everything about the experience was rather pleasant, although I'll have to admit that I did shoot myself in the foot when I made a hurtful comment without thinking.
Note to self: Look before you leap, think before you speak.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
♥ 9:47 PM
Soph's 21st...can't believe how rotound i've allowed myself to become...urgh
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, December 25, 2005
♥ 5:39 PM
Fatigue
No I am not all that okay. I am standing at the edge of a precipice; one gentle nudge would send me over the edge.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep, maybe it's the way I do not open up myself readily to others - try bottling up all your troubles.
Whatever it is, I am tired. The temptation to just go to sleep and not wake up for weeks and weeks is ever-so-tempting. No, I am not suicidal - God's gift of life is too precious to be maimed in his horrific way - so fret not.
Through this whole experience, your frivolity, your insensitivity and your indifference did nothing to help me. If anything, I do feel that you are antagonizing me deliberately.
I was always there whenever you needed me. Yet, when the tables are turned, I find myself vastly disappointed. Where were you when I needed a friend?
You have let me down for the very last time. I am done. We are through.
Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be.
Carrie Bradshaw
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, December 23, 2005
♥ 12:36 AM
Slightly more than a year after picking up the sport, I am still as in love with it as the day I first picked up a blade.
Next stop: Novices 2006.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
♥ 1:46 PM
Pain
FM Open on Sunday was an eye-opener. I accomplished feats which I never though I could.
A disappointing round robin meant that I would have to meet with a strong opponent during the DE, yet I managed by God's grace to overcome my fear and to eventually beat her 15-11.
The feeling was fantastic.
Was knocked out during the quarter-finals when I failed to focus on my match. I found my mind wandering and that cost me my medal.
No more of such behaviour during novices.
Yesterday saw me sequestered with fellow fencers at Holland Village's - which I finally found after driving around in circles for a good 20 minutes - Settlers Cafe. The game we played was good, but somehow my mind wasn't in it.
I could once again feel my control slipping and I desperately needed some breathing space. The world seemed to be closing in on me, robbing me of my breath. It was terrible.
The need to talk to somebody, to cry, to just let all my pent up emotions out was overwhelming. However I could find no one to call. There was nobody there for me. I felt so alone.
It was so draining having to put on a happy front. So very tiring to have to smile despite the unshed tears weighing my heart down immensely.
I was relieved when the group finally parted ways and I was able to crawl into the safety of my car where nothing and noone can hurt me.
What transpired was a cowardly act of escapism, but I did not know what else to do.
Currently, what I need is God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to serve Him. To fellowship with His people, to be an obedient daughter, to be a good servant.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, December 17, 2005
♥ 4:32 PM
My beautiful gals n I :)
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 4:28 PM
my darling kieran!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 4:27 PM
yet another random shot.. :)
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 4:27 PM
i went trigger happy one afternoon...here goes nothing...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, December 16, 2005
♥ 11:11 AM
Pride & Prejudice
"In nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she feels."
- Jane Austen, Pride & Prejudice
For the past few months, I feel like I've been playing a fruitless, endless, meaningless game of emotional tennis.
We do not seem to be playing in sync with each other; we're playing at each other, resulting in a less than ideal situations whereby both parties are fast becoming frustrated.
The mistimed volleys, the missed services, it truely is one mangled game which has become cringe-worthy and almost embarrassingly painful to watch. It is amazing how much mayhem mixed signals and uncertainty can cause.
However, there is always the idea that partners need to warm up to each other, need to adjust to the playing styles of the other party. When everything falls into place, then one would have a perfect, synchronised game of tennis which would keep spectators at the edge of their seats.
For now, I would patiently hone my skills, and continue focusing on becoming a better, more compatible player to my partner.
"In finding (him) irresistible, (she) became so herself..."
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, December 15, 2005
♥ 4:28 PM
If only all men were made like Mr Darcy...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 4:25 PM
This scene was unbearably romantic...it had me swooning
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 4:24 PM
Lizzie and Mr Darcy...the perfect couple in my opinion.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 12:42 PM
How romance ought to be
Caught Pride and Prejudice yesterday and I totally loved it. It captivated me, held me enthralled and I was left breathless by the sheer beauty of movie.
The ideal relationship has never been more clearly reflected than in that of Mr Darcy and Elizabeth (or "Lizzie") Bennet's.
Note the witty banter, the overt showing of affection, the subtle admiration for each other. It's lovely, it's utterly desirable, it's perfection.
The ability for them to take things slowly only made their eventual union that much sweeter. In attempting to rationalise their situations and disconcerting feelings, Lizzie and Mr Darcy can be sure that their eventual, respective decisions are the right ones.
That, to me, is how romance should be - simmered over a slow fire. Then, and only then, can the true essence of romance be tasted, savoured, enjoyed.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
♥ 9:29 AM
Shopping...
Spent close to $140 in Borders on Sunday. With $135 of my dad's money I bought:
1) A book for someone
2) 3 assorted novels
3) The Simpsons Season 6 DVD
Presented my gift to him yesterday and was badly affected by his reaction. I couldn't speak for fear of dissolving into tears; to him, it may seem like I couldn't be bothered about him - and I do look haughty when I'm all silent - but if only he knew.
The complexity of intrapersonal relationships has never seemed more daunting than it does now.
Looks like it would be yet another few sleepless nights for this girl here.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, December 10, 2005
♥ 2:00 PM
Disappointed...
13/25 for T & A research paper.
C+ overall for that particular course.
I missed a B- by 0.15 marks.
There is a bitter taste in my mouth; I can feel anger bubbling dangerously close to the surface.
Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I upset? Yes.
I took his advice, duly changed a large part of my report, and turned it in as early as possible so that he would not have to rush through the marking process. Maybe I should have left the original proposal as it had been. Maybe I should not have been so considerate.
The good guys never do win in life anyway.
My second C grade in SMU besides Statistics - and I got lucky there - a bloody C which I feel I do not deserve.
Overall GPA: 3.13
Disappointment is too mild a word to describe how I feel right now.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, December 08, 2005
♥ 11:17 PM
What if...
There I was happily blog surfing when I had a thought: what if my blog is being read by someone whom I feel shouldn't be reading my blog?
That sent a shiver down my spine. Paranoia consumed me for a little while there.
You know how it is: one blog is linked to many others and it isn't that difficult for someone to find you, or to "stumble" upon your blog.
Imagine having that secret admirer reading your most intimate of thoughts. Think about your parents gaining access to your secrets. The possibilities are endless; it's making me feel really insecure.
Should that be the case, then a certain Mr X should know that he can quit feeling insecure because my heart belongs to him. My dear, there is no one else, despite your many misgivings. You really can be a silly silly silly boy at times, but then again, that is why I adore you oh-so-much.
Wonder if Mr X would ever read this. Oh well.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
♥ 9:20 PM
God's grace
As of now, my results are as follow:
Introductory Economics: A
Research Methods in the Social Sciences: B
Technology and World Change: A-
Results for Theory and Analysis in Sociology's pending.
Thank God for my results. They aren't sterling by many people's standard, but to me, it means so much. Just a B for Theory and Analysis would push my GPA slightly above 3.2, which is more than satisfactory to me, for the time being.
Thank God for His sweet mercies.
On a slightly different note, this is something I stumbled across. Interesting stuff :)
13 signs that you are in LURVE
13. You accept them for who they are...
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them... (or comfortable if that's your thing)
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you... all you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become all you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole time.....
Accurate? Inane? You be the judge.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, December 05, 2005
♥ 11:11 PM
Alright, enough now.
Jostling with the crowd, she hustled along with her best friend, trying to navigate their way through the throng of people doing their Christmas shopping.
Suddenly, she froze. The subtle reaction was almost imperceptible, but not quite - at least not to her buddy of over 7 years. With furrowed brows, the girl's best friend took nary a second before she became aware of the awkward situation charging their way.
There was no escape route. Looking to her confidante, the girl squared her shoulders and approached the source of disturbance. Civil words were exchanged, and the girl seemed nonchalant.
Beneath her cool exterior, a storm was raging.
Giving the girl's arm a supportive squeeze, her pal told her that she had done well. The girl gazed at the beautiful lights lining the streets and sighed. There were no tears, only a sense of resignation.
No more denials. The painful truth has unraveled. As the truth washed over the girl in unrelentless waves, she felt helpless. She felt vulnerable. She felt betrayed.
Thank God for the presence of her best friend. Silently, she called out to God for help, and instantly, a sense of peace descended upon her.
At that point in time, she realised that God had clearly shown her what she needed to know. It was painful, but necessary.
Taking a deep breath, the girl strolled resolutely down the street, determined to put everything behind her.
With God, her family and friends by her side, she knows that things will ultimately be okay.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, December 04, 2005
♥ 1:35 PM
I'm only human
My vacations - all 3 and a half weeks of it - have offically began. Well actually since I finished my last paper yesterday, I am now one day into my holidays.
Time to rest and relax you may think, but methinks not. Trainings have intensified, and we are working harder as the novices draw nearer. There goes half of my holidays. The rest of it would be spent on catching up with all my friends, especially those back in Singapore on vacation.
Got home past 10 last night, which is pretty late by my standards especially since my car was left at home. A hot shower followed, which soothed my aching feet - try wearing heels and walking for a few hours without resting - but failed to alleviate my throbbing, aching head.
Weaknesses are not things which I condone. I try my best to avoid them, or even hide them if necessary. Hence, what is presented to the world is a diluted, distorted self whom I find very hard to love. There is some dissonance there is there not?
*sighs*
For those in the know and are not totally befuddled yet, please understand that I have been trying. Really I have, but success eludes me, and I feel defeated.
I remember commenting to my sister late last evening that I am weak, and I hate myself for that.
Her reply?
"You are not weak. You are human."
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, December 02, 2005
♥ 9:47 AM
One day more...
Ah the smell of freedom is just one day away. Tomorrow marks the final day of my examinations for this term and then, ahout 4 weeks of bliss awaits me.
For now, take some time to enjoy my new blogskin :)
Alright alright my RMSS notes beckon.
I'll be back soon.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*