Saturday, January 31, 2004
♥ 2:42 PM
I changed my blogskin. It's not very me, but it'll have to do for the moment. Added in "Breathe" by Michelle Branch. Hope you guys like this new radical look.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, January 30, 2004
♥ 10:04 AM
For the uninitiated, I'm a girl who's disillusioned by the cruel blows life has dealt her. To others who claim to know me, I'm a happy-go-lucky girl who does not have a care in the world. This is a gross misconception, and the people who know me would know this to be a fact. Basically, I'm most insecure and vulnerable. I only appear to be strong to protect myself. It is a facade. How can everyone fial to notice this fact?
I'm crumbling. Really, I am. Just because people do not notice does not mean that sadness, anger and dispassion are absent from my life. At times, I feel extremely stifled when I am around people, simply due to the fact that I can no longer put on a facade anymore. I'm so tired. There's so much I have to say but no one would listen. Does anyone actually care? Are friendships really so superficial? People tend to judge too harshly, and that has caused me to withdraw into this little shell of mine. Let me commune with God and God alone. The world is bleak and terrifying. I'm scared. I'm cold.
The desolation I actually feel now is eating me up whole. I'm helpless. I'm struggling. And yet, I'm invisible. Why try to gain attention if I'm essentially as visible as the air we breathe in to people whom I care about? I have been betrayed by them, and all energy has been sapped by these cruel, unflinching external forces. It's getting dark. I can feel it.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, January 29, 2004
♥ 8:39 AM
Can you ever be friend with an ex? Although many ponder over this, mull over it, feel frustrated at the complexity of the matter, it can be said that we cannot find a satisfactory answer to this - one of life's burning questions. To a large part of society, many date with a purpose. Be it for money, love or just a sense of security, urban folks like myself all have a somewhat selfish motive for dating. When things go askew, we blame ourselves, we blame everyone, we feel upset. These emotions ultimately lead to us being angry with our exes. We harbour a feeling of hurt and betrayal, and this causes relationships to sour between a man and a woman who were once emotionally attached at some point or another.
Especially for women, these feelings would not dissipate in a matter of weeks or even months. Many take years to heal the wounds left behind by men who deserted them. Under such adverse circumstances, can we ever be friends with an ex? The answer alas, cannot be strictly defined nor derived.
Apart from the emtional wreckage people carry away from a broken relationship, many too bring away memories - both good and bad - of the events which transpired during the course of dating. However much it hurts, we would certainly remember the worst times of any relationship for life, while happier moments would eventually fade. Forgotten. Abandoned. This is a perfectly normal reaction, and often, only saints are able to bear no grudges against people whom have battered them both physically as well as emotionally. This is why it has been said that people would remember their first loves forever.
First loves are commonly the most painful experience anybody has to go through. Jealousy, pain, insecurities and the like would be emotions that a "love virgin" would taste for the very first time. When the bond between 2 young lovers eventually break, the pain would be unbearable for most. In such situations, the laws of psychology postualtes that one would be unbale to let go of this unhappiness, for at least a number of years. Hence, to be able to remain pals with such an individual would certainly be a remote possibility.
As for myself, I have been destroyed emotionally by a cad whom I loved and trusted. A deceitful villian who toyed with my heart and played me for a fool. A swindler who conned me of my money and affections. I cannot forsee myself ever being civil to him again. As it is, I have very little hope that has kept me together these difficult years, and he has savagely torn up all these dreams and trodden all over them. The pain is unimaginable. I would not expose my vulnerabilities to the likes of him again. An opportunist like himself would swoop down on such weaknesses and consume me alive. I'm disgusted, humiliated, angered. If he can live with himself for having done this not just to me but several other girls as well, then he is a beast with no heart and no conscience. What little I had, I offered to him willingly but he ridiculed my offerings and flung them back in my face. He might not be an ex, but he is still no friend of mine either. I've shut the doors on him. I no longer want to care, and I no longer will.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
♥ 8:59 AM
Here I am again, sitting here in front of the com, doing absolutely nothing at all. Pathetic really, but at least I don't feel so dejected anymore. I prayed about my problems last night, and voila! God took care of them and lifted my burdens from me. I feel a whole lot more relaxed now.
Seriously, I was doing some thinking yesterday, and I've come to the conclusions that too much of a bad thing can be good. After struggling with my emotions and my feelings for him for 2 years, I finally broke free, and although I feel that I've suffered emotionally, it's an undeniable fact that I've also matured.
This experience gave me an insight into the complex world of love and I'm hoping that it would be some time before I need to confront all these things again. Love is something that is elusive to many, but a few lucky ones have found it. I desperately hope to be one of those lucky rascals. Anyhow, I would leave it to God to find me my match. I have faith that he's out there in this vast universe and when the time is ripe, God will bring him to me.
In a way, I've already began to heal.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
♥ 8:27 PM
I met with Dawn yesterday as well as today and we did some shopping. Bought a lot of stuff and it feels good. Yesterday, he told me that he had been leading me on all along and that he's crazy over a schoolmate of mine. I'm very hurt and betrayed. And I'll never trust him again. I've wasted my love on someone who doesn't deserve it.
Anyhow, I'll have to let go and to pursure dreams that I've put on hold. I'll survive. *smilez* Bought more than 10 articles of clothing these two days. Don't know what for, but well, I spent less than 200 bucks in all so I guess it's alright.
However, come to think of it, the emptiness I feel cannot be filled by mere material possessions. I'll have to allow God to heal me. I turst fully that He'll see me through this. I'll come out stronger and wiser.
One very pleasant surprise my mei Val gave me really helped brighten up my day. I saw my kor, when I thought he would be in camp. It felt so good to see him. Miss him so much and it was really heartening to see him again after some time. My thanks to those who care about me. The few of them know who they are. God bless you guys. :)
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, January 26, 2004
♥ 8:17 AM
I'm sitting at home today, wondering what has gone wrong with my life. Not only did I fail in my pursuit of my hopes of getting a driving license, I realise that I've not come out victorious in my bid to rid my life of unwanted undesirables too. Don't know what's going on. Think I should go shopping. It's kinda therapeutic. But then again, it's an awful waste of cash on impulse purchases.
Maybe I should just stay home today and watch the paint dry.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, January 24, 2004
♥ 11:21 AM
I was thinking about what happened this morning during my test, and yes, I have to admit that God was there for me, supporting me. I just failed to try my best. He stopped the rain for me, and He ensured that I got away with a relatively simple test route. The only thing that was missing was faith on my part, as well as confidence. Deep down, I did not believe that I could do it. In this manner, there's nothing much God can do for me too. I'm thankful for His help and for His marvellous works in my life. He meant this to be a learning experience and yes, I'll treasure it. Truly, I'm thankful to have Him here with me and that I have the privilege to serve him.
I might not realise this at times, but I'm blessed. By God.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 10:04 AM
I failed my driving test. I made mistakes that I shouldn't have. I wonder why my life's in this state. I failed both in love and in life. There's nothing more to look forward to. What a good birthday present God has chosen to give me. I've been subjected to emotional torment for 2 years and now, this had to happen. Why is God doing this? It's hardly fair. And I'm not pleased.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, January 23, 2004
♥ 5:38 PM
It's my birthday tomorrow. I turn 19. But I guess no one cares. And no one knows...I don't really like to celebrate birthdays although I do secretly hope for it to come year after year. I'm weird, but at least I'm honest with myself about this.
As I come towards the last leg of my teenhood, I really wonder, is being a teenager really as fantastic as people make it out to be? Often, I feel that perhaps, it is the period of time whereby I would suffer the most. I experienced my first heartbreak, the trauma of numerous exams, as well as the transition from girlhood to becoming a real woman. The last is perhaps the worst. I feel awkward and self-conscious, especially with regard to my weight. I know that I"m not overweight, but neither am I as skinny as I want to be.
During the course of this year, I would really like to work on my esteem problem, and to truly sit back and appreciate how wonderfully God has created me. I function well, I look average, and I'm not exactly stupid. This would already make me one of the luckiest people on earth, believe it or not. This may seem to be a mammoth task of sort, but I trust that God will see me through it.
This year would be a good year. I promise.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
♥ 7:44 PM
I have a brand new blog skin, and new music as well...it's "Love Song for a Saviour" by Jars of Clay. They're a Christian brand and I'm glad that they're proud of that fact. They're using music as a tool to reach out to non-believers and for that, they have my respect. They're cool!
Do listen to the song. I think it's great. :)
Oh well, CNY is round the corner (it's tmr) and so, here's wishing one and all a happy and prosperous lunar new year. There's not much for me to feel glad about so I really can't be bothered. Life's boring. It always has been. Heck.
On a brighter note, I'll be going to church this saturday and honestly, I cannot wait. It's been so long since I've felt this way. Thank God. Thank God for all the blessings He has given me although I don't deserve them most of the time. I've decided to devote more time to my faith and to work towards having a closer realtionship with Him. Those who know of my problems, please pray hard that I succeed this time round.
Hope the new year starts out right. ;)
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, January 19, 2004
♥ 2:44 PM
Nothing much that I want to say today...well....let me see....my driving lessons are not progressing as well as I would like them to. That's a tad frustrating, considering the fact that I'm not the most patient person in the world. Whatever it is, I'll try to put in more effort. :)
I'm really exhausted. Not just physically but mentally as well, and the flu I'm nursing doesn't help at all. Emotionally, I've been stripped bare. I've nothing much to say about it. I've cried till I've no more tears. I'm torn and bruised, and would probably take years to heal. It's not like he would even give a damn about me. I was never a part of his life. There has always been a He and a Me, but there was never an US. I feel so drained. Time to numb my senses with somemore work to do. Well, that doesn't sound too bad...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, January 18, 2004
♥ 9:24 AM
I'm back again...phew...boy am I tired. It's been close to a week and I have yet to recover from my flu *sniffles* When will I ever recover? Sigh, this is not my idea of fun. At all.
Yesterday, I told a big fat lie, and till now, I'm unable to to point out the reason for my abnormal behaviour. I guess if I really ponder over it, it's essentially to protect myself. I've had enough of playing second fiddle to all the rest of the lassies in his life. I'm sick and tired of being his toy. I'm frustrated and yes, it's time to exorcise him from my life. *takes the trash out*
Well, he didn't really care about me, so I suppose it's time I stopped loving him too. It's a fair deal.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, January 16, 2004
♥ 8:25 AM
On this planet we call Earth, there are 2 main types of people - male and female. Both are intelligent mammals and both have the ability to have sex just for the heck of it (the only other species that can do this would be the frisky dolphins). However, this is where the similarities end. While the male has always been known as being more dominant over the female, the female, on the other hand, has been taught subconsciously to submit to men in this system we call a civilised society.
This could be the very reason as to why most women tend to cling on to men who treat them badly. Many may find this remark very unjustified, but essentially, it holds true for most women out there. From the time we start dating till the time we eventually tie the knot with our special someone, there would definitely be a period of time whereby we have desperately tried to salvage a relationship, although deep down, we know that the guy's a huge mistake and that he is bad news. Often, it has been observed that women find men who treat them well (sensitive, caring and undoubtedly devoted) to be boring and even annoying. Sad, but true.
Can it then be said that women are where they are today due to this inability to select what's best for them? It could be, but no one knows for sure. I, for one, am a victim of such a mindset. I know that the selfish being Í'm hopelessly smitten with does not care a whit about me, but yet, I'm still hanging on, still hoping. In this manner, I'm the creator of my own misery. Despite all the warning signs that have littered my relationship with him, I'm still unable, if not unwilling, to decipher them and to save myself.
Since relationships between the 2 genders are oh-so-complex as well as tiring, why do people still shamelessly hanker after it? Strangely, it is my belief that it is preciesly this aspect of the whole concept of love that has many hooked and will entrap many in years to come.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
♥ 2:44 PM
I'm down with a really bad flu...sore throat and all. Couldn't sleep last night after waking up at 3 plus. Falling ill is part and parcel of our lives, but what's so ironic is the fact that we never ever realise how lucky we are to be normal, functioning beings till some sort of ailment strikes us. Anyway, back to me and my big bad flu...my throat feels parched all the time, and it's driving me up the wall and down the other side. It hurts.
Speaking about hurting, guess I'm still kind of raw emotionally, and yes, although there have been chances for me to meet new pple, I'm not that receptive. This is odd as somehow, I find myself being more attached to him then I would like to be. I've to tell myself that I don't belong to him, and that nothing's gonna stop me form enjoying life to the fullest. I'm still young, and youth is the most precious commodity anyone can have.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
♥ 9:25 AM
How can we tell when someone's merely making use of us? I can't, and that's why I'm plagued with many problems. As I've mentioned, I put on a facade in front of people. I'm not as tough as people perceive me to be. I'm vulnerable and fragile.
For my close friends who read my blog, here's the story I never told you. About 2 years back, I was online and chatting with my friends when I met him. We exchanged numbers and well, things progressed from there. From the start, I was smitten, and I've never felt this strongly about anyone before. Slowly but surely, I began to surrender myself to him, in hopes of him being able to love me someday. That day never came.
Instead, I had to deal with one setback after another. I can forgive him for anything but I cannot forget the callous way in which he has treated me. Having spent my last 30 bucks on a present for him, I excitedly called him to let him know, only to have him say that I was a bothersome pest. This is just one of the many incidents which broke my heart. I've always put up with the fact that I'm not vital to him, but somehow, I had always wished that he would just pretend to care about me. It's pathetic, but yes, ít is a part of me which you didn't know.
I talked to one of my classmates, a fellow Christian girl, and for once, I felt that someone cared. You know who you are. At the point where I was about to give up, she pulled me back to reality as I know it. I'm thankful to her for that. Yet, in some part of my heart, he lingers still, periodically tormenting me. Why must he come back into my life? I was fine without him. I just don't know why I had to meet him again.
It's time I did some spring cleaning in my emotional life.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, January 12, 2004
♥ 7:33 PM
I changed my blogskin today. It felt good to do something about my neglected blog. :) I chose this song because it has always been one of my favourites. The title of the song's "Forbidden Love" and was popularised by the japanese serial Love 2000 shown some years back. Pls enjoy!
I was doing some thinking again - I've a lot of time on my hands - and yes, for the first time in many months, I felt a little more hopeful and optimistic. When I lifted my sadness and burdens to God, I felt the immediate changes. It's an awesome feeling to be suddenly rid of my problems. Many thanks to those who have encouraged me thoughout this difficult time. You fellas are God-sends!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, January 10, 2004
♥ 6:06 PM
How should I begin? I was feeling rather upset yesterday, so I wrote a couple of poems...will try to edit and publish them in the next few days. As usual, they depicted how unhappy I am in my current situation and my state of being. I didn't go to church. I did not have the strength nor the desire to. What is wrong with me? I've been thinking through a lot of issues lately, and I've come to a conclusion that maybe my life's a BIG farce. I mean, who am I trying to kid? Underneath the calm, cool, even indifferent exterior, I'm merely a little girl, and I want to be treated like one. Often, pple think that I'm infallible and that I'm always strong. Guess what you idiots : You're all wrong. I'm tired of carrying the burden of others' problems. I've had enough. I've my own worries and my own life to deal with.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, January 09, 2004
♥ 12:33 PM
Ever so often, our thoughts tend to wander, and venture into unchartered, often trecherous territory. For me, I was transported into a dimension whereby everything seemed bleak and hopeless. It was a place where everybody lied to me and that the future reflects nothing but doom. Personally, I fear nothing more than loneliness. I've this deep yearning, this overwhelming desire to be loved by those around me. It might be a warped perception of things on my part, but I believe that 90% of those around me do not care if I live or die. Even if I should cease to exist, I won't be missed by many.
This sense of desolation could stem from the fact that I did not experience the happiness of being an innocent child, and that in terms of love, I've failed miserably. For me, it was not easy for me to offer my fragile heart unconditionally to someone. It was even harder to accept it when he callously rejected me and made use of me. Maybe he did mean what he said. Maybe he does care. MAYBE. But probably not. I'm not convinced. He's just another liar lingering around needlessly in my life. Why is it that so many can embrace the sweetness of love with jubilance while I've only tasted bitterness? It's hardly fair, and I'm angry.
He once told me that he's a busy man who doesn't really plan his time. However, whenever I ask him out, he would say that his schedule is packed to the max for the next week or so. A stupid mistake on his part. Or perhaps it's yet another one of his methods to torment me further. I kept a piece of paper on which he wrote some rubbish on lovingly. I'm so stupid. I've read love poems which he had wrote for others, and yes, I wasn't one of them whom he wrote of. Even the wisest can turn fools when it comes to affairs of the heart.
In our lives, we go through many trying periods of time whereby we are stuck in this dreadful situation which we can get no respite from. For me, this has been going on for 2 years. I cannot take this pain anymore. I'm about to explode. Won't somebody help me? Or am I truly all alone on my own this time round?
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
♥ 12:46 PM
Yet another day has come. At times, I wonder about the value of my existence. Am I worthy enough to even be here, among so many other mortals like myself?
Will I perish prematurely? I shared this thought with a friend, and he reassured me that as long as God has a plan for us, we will remain alive. Although this made sense, I'm still unable to reconcile with myself. There's this inner conflict which tells me that I'm unworthy and unlovely. Hence, I'm still alone after 19 years on this planet we call earth.
I've commited many sins that grieves God, and yes, I've repented but time and time again, I would fall to temptation. This is a piece, a confession which I dedicate to God, and Father, I'm sorry for what I've done. It has been said that our bodies are temples of God, and His Holy Spirit, but I've allowed this body to be sullied by my deeds and thoughts. I'm ashamed of myself, and knowing that God is willing to forgive me time and time again does not make me feel better.
God is magnanimous, and often, we take advantage of this supposed flaw when we choose to go against His will. I feel that I'm under some kind of spiritual bondage, and I proclaim that from today, I'll strive to cleanse myself and to be a loyal, faithful servant to God once more. I'm determined to do it this time. Father, please forgive me for all my misdeeds. I know that the road to recovery will be fraught with difficulty, but I'm more than willing to strive and to succeed.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
♥ 9:25 AM
Here's one of my favourite poems. This beautiful work of art is by Chilean poet Pablo Nevada and was originally written in Spanish. Enjoy!
If You Forget Me
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas,
light,
metals,
were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours
that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
little by little.
If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land.
But
if each day, each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, January 04, 2004
♥ 11:31 AM
One friend once asked me: "You've a blog, so why not share it with everyone you know?" Well, truthfully, the purpose of keeping this blog is to provide myself with an outlet for me to vent my frustrations. It's not for show, and some things are just not for others to know. I want to be able to reassure myself that the people who read my blog would be people who would not judge me based on what they read. They reflect a side of me that others do not know, and yes, I do not want others to know this terrible side of me. So,yes, this blog shall remain private and exclusive to those whom I trust.
As for the rest - strangers who stumble across my blog, I'm ok with that. They're people whom I hope can identify with what's written. It's brutally frank, but heck, that's me.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, January 02, 2004
♥ 10:07 AM
Love is balm to the senses but toxic to the soul. I find it so true. Think about it, many a time, we allow this feeling called love to suck us into this dark vortex in which we cannot free ourselves from. Why do we do that? Do we revel in this kind of assault or have we become so dulled from all the madness of this world that we are unable to comprehend that we are hurting ourselves? Personally, I've always displayed a very strong front, so much so that nobody knows when I'm hurting, when I'm shattering inside. I can smile for you if you want me to. I can laugh if you want me to. If it can make others happy, why not?
Often, people are deluded into thinking that reality is the awesome, fearsome creature that has a grip over our lives. Not unlike love, reality is merely illusion's facade. Basically, reality is based on others' perception. Thus. reality is in fact naught but perception. In this way, are we all leading lives made blurry and fogged by this web of deceit? Has it become so complicated that many have withdrawn into their shells and are unwilling to confront this painful truth? I don't know anything anymore.
By putting these ideas together, I've come to the conclusion that love is but an illusion. There can be no real love. It is only what we want to think it is. You really think that your lover has given his heart to you? Dream on. I told my friend the other day that there is no real point in gifting her virginity to her boyfriend in order that he would remember her when she goes overseas. Her perception of love is different form that of her boyfriend's, and that is the eerie part. In giving herself to him, she sees it as sealing their so-called love relaitonship. I think not. What the guy merely feels is an instantaneous physical pleasure, which is transient, and this has no impact on him emtionally whatsoever. All guys out there who wish to sleep around before marriage, yet hanker after pure, chaste girls, get this: reality bites. Should all guys feel this way, there would be no virgins on earth in reality. However, virginity is yet another issue which can be hidden behind a smokescreen, and so, it can be based on perception as well. You want to believe that the love of your life is a virgin, untainted by men? Go ahead. Reality is perception anyway.
Back to the issue of love. In giving your heart to someone, everyone hopes that they would receive the other party's affections in return. How often does that happen? We see broken hearts everywhere. Sane people coming undone undone because of love. Pardon the pun, but this is madness. I cannot understand how perfectly intelligent people can be transformed into pathetic, blubbering fools. I have been a victim before, but now I'm stronger and I'm smarter. I will not fall prey to this malicious predator again. That would be making the same mistake twice, and get this: I am no fool.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, January 01, 2004
♥ 7:18 PM
There was a problem with my blog just now. Wasted time trying to rectify it. Blah. Okayz, celebrated the coming of 2004 at centro, and was surprised that I was admitted...i am underage. Well, the place was good but the music wasn't. They played trance. Sheesh. Anyhow, I made a couple of new friends, Elynn and Grace. Very nice people whom I had fun with...well, Grace did get horribly drunk but it happens. All the time in fact.
My new year resolution would be to clear all the junk which has been occupying my heart and to devote more time and effort to church. Oh yeah, I wanna get my drivers' license too. :)
Saw my Poju off today...she went to Germany and won't be returning anytime soon. It was sad...I was badly affected, but i thank God for giving her to me as a good friend. We had loads of fun together, and it was good while it lasted. I wish her all success. She cried at the departure gates and I got teary eyed too. We don't know when we'll next see each other but we'll always be friends. Thank God for her.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 7:16 PM
there's a problem with my blog. Shall try to solve it.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 6:58 PM
Was out with friends at Centro last night. It was a good place...nice, lively crowd and good looking dudes. But something seemed to be lacking amidst the frivolous drinking and dancing - a touch of humanity. I dunno, but somehow i felt a little bit cold, and it's not totally the air conditioners' fault. I see people drinking, rubbing against each other, and realised to my horror that i'm no different. It's kinda meaningless and yes, I'm ashamed to say that I enjoyed every moment of it.
Instead of sitting down with my family members and to take some time to talk to them, I was out enjoying myself with strangers in a cold, dark, smelly place. I dunno what I want anymore.
Saw him again a couple of days ago. It was nerve wrecking to be so near to him. His scent, his gorgeous eyes....they affect me so much that I lose my ability to think. Essentially, although I cannot exactly say why I'm so devoted to him, I feel for him more than any guy I've ever dated.
He showed me this book of his own poetry, and it hurt to see that he had written poems dedicated to many girls, but not me. As I flipped through page after page of his beautifully written words, the hurt just became so unbearable that I could not speak. When quizzed as to what was wrong, I merely commented that I was tired. How long am i gonna delude myself? It's not going to work. He's just making use of me. It won't change. Ever. My status in his life will remain low and there's naught I can do abt it.
What a way to start a new year.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*