Monday, May 31, 2004
♥ 2:52 PM
Eat right. Eat smart. Sounds simple, but I can bet you that it's not. It's been madness for me, for I've been trying to detoxify my body and hopefully shed a few kilos in the process. Although I do feel more refreshed, I'm famished too. Imagine having to abstain from the foods which used to sustain me - yummy delights like ice cream, char kway teow and snacks - which I now avoid like plague. Instead, my diet now comprises of minimal oily foods, as well as lots of fruits and vegetables. By the way, I'm drinking water in unbelievably large quantities too. By the end of this period of self inflicted torture, I had better see results. More radiant skin would be nice.
In the process of doing this, I've been wondering if I've gone too far. How long is too long? For that matter, how the heck can people stay on diets like these anyway? There's nothing wrong in consuming mainly fruits and vegetables. That is, if you're a rabbit or any small, vegetarian critter. I love eating healthy, but given a chance, I would much rather gorge myself on Singaporean foods which are disturbingly fat-laden. Oh well, reality bites. Literally.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, May 30, 2004
♥ 11:32 PM
I went for my haircut today, and it was disastrous. There was apparently some sort of miscommunication which led to my hair being cut much shorter than I had intended. Oh, nevermind, says the mother, disregarding the fact that I've spent about a year or so growing it out. Snip snip snip. There goes my precious hair. I'm going to hibernate for a few months till my hair's all decent looking again. Why do strange things always happen to me? I said 2 inches. Why the hell did he have to lop off so much of my precious hair? Sigh...I'll go sleep and hope that I'll wake up tomorrow to find that it's all a bad dream.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, May 29, 2004
♥ 10:00 AM
Seems to me that blogging has become rather popular overnight, and I couldn't be happier. I mean, this is a cheap and convenient avenue for one to vent one's frustrations. It certainly beats self-mutilation hands down - at least to me it does. *shrugs* Would be catching Harry Potter next week and frankly, it is one of the very few movies which never fail to captivate me. Call me immature, or even childish, but I'm not apologising for being so enamoured with this series. At times, a bit of fantasy is necessary to keep us going in this cruel, albeit realistic world is it not? Hope I'm not confusing anybody with my ramblings again.
I'm actually interested in watching some West Side Story ballet production too. If only I could convince myself to part with the sum of money needed to purchase a ticket...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, May 28, 2004
♥ 11:45 AM
Just checked the details of my matriculation online. Whoa, there's lots to be done, and to my utmost horror, orientation promises to be filled with excitement and fun. To all those who dearly relish the idea of a week filled to the brim with inane activities and mindless games, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you actually find such time-wasters fulfilling. What can be so appealing about getting all hot, sweaty and totally humilitated by people you barely know? First impressions count, so the last thing I want would be to run into a gorgeous hottie with my hair all unitdy and my face caked with dirt as well as sweat.
Now, I have to clarify that I'm not an anti-social hermit, and I have nothing against those ahem...precocious, over-zealous counsellors who willingly give up their precious time to "orientate" us freshies. On the contrary, I embrace with my arms lovingly wide open the idea of making new friends, although the way in which it is done during orientations - through embarrassing "forfeits" and the like - leaves a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Of course, I could always skip it and risk being dragged by my hair to school by my mother, which would undoubtedly double the mortification I would experience and hence, orientation is compulsory in my sad case.
Ok, maybe I should alter my earlier statments a little. I am definitely looking forward to continuing my studies, though the same enthusiasm cannot be applied to the week-long, unnecessary suffering I would have to go through before I officially begin my academic life as an undergraduate. Well, I guess you can never have your cake and eat it. I like fudge ones, by the way.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, May 27, 2004
♥ 11:03 AM
My biggest mistake. That's what Ling dearie told me to treat him as. You know, she's not wrong in saying that I should adpot such an attitude. We all grow through our misdeeds. Noone is infallible, certainly not me. I've made some rather misguided decisions which would undoubtedly haunt me for the rest of my days. I do regret giving so much of myself to someone so unworthy but there's naught that can be done now. It's a part of my history. Regretfully, it has been imprinted premanently onto the pages of my life story.
I've voiced my concerns to Ling, and truthfully, the more I ponder over the consequences of my irrational choices, the more feraful I get. There would be repercussions, and I'm petrified that my happiness would be made vulnerable because of this little sordid affair I would most rather forget. What would become of me should news of this leak out during the course of my days in uni? I'm afraid I was stupid enough not to take all these issues into consideration - in my case, emotions took over rationale, with disastrous effects.
Of course, I could just pretend that nothing ever transpired between the two of us, but I would be lying to myself, and I detest that. This would make me nothing more than a coward who runs away from her problems. My friends who know me better would understand that I'm one who would willingly take the bull by its horns rather than bow down to obstacles. One way or another, I'll have to find an ideal way to solve this problem. Wish me luck. I think I may be needing it.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
♥ 11:46 AM
There's always this point in your life when you feel like certain issues which matter in your life are spiralling out of control. I'm going through this murky patch currently, where things are so ambiguous to the point where I'm so perplexed that I'm losing sleep. I hope sincerely that we can remain friends, and only friends. Like I said, no point burning bridges now, not when he could play a big role in my life in the indistinct future. Although I truly do not feel anything for a certain someone anymore, I somehow still receive mixed signals from him, and that's puzzling. I'm intrigued, though not necessarily bothered. Does this make sense to you?
On top of that, there's always the other issue of choosing the right school to go to. My dear Li Ying is right in rationalising all the benefits and disadvantages of schooling here as well as overseas. Even if we have narrowed our choices down to the three universities we have in sunny Singapore, there are still gargantuan decisions to be made. Besides the problem of which university to enrol ourselves in, there's another problem of selecting the "right" course to read. Mind-boggling, yes, but I guess it can be fun to a certain extent.
For all it's worth, I feel that life brings with it challenges which we must conquer, and in the midst of it, we have to find our own happiness. Essentially, I've decided that true contentment lies in our hearts, not circumstances, and definitely not creature comforts. It's undefinable and vauge, but it most certainly exists in a magnificent myriad of forms.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
♥ 10:38 AM
Okay, I'm officially bored. There's nothing to be done at home. LY dearie, if you're reading this, maybe we could just chill at my place some time this week? Could visit the gym or go for a swim. Better yet, we could just do a little catching up. It's been eons since we last did that.
I wonder at times what exactly is it that we're living for? The mundane nature of life gets to me occasionally, and I've been thinking: why are we working so hard at school for? After years and years of studying, we graduate and begin working. All for the sake of accumulating material wealth on this earth which is transient. Maybe I'm wrong, but I do find life a tad meaningless when I've time to sit down and reflect on my past actions as well as my future ambitions.
Would a coveted Lexus truly make me happy? I really have no idea anymore. Enlightenment would be most welcomed.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, May 23, 2004
♥ 3:51 PM
Just for the record, I've been pain-free for exactly a week now! *yay* I never thought that it would be so easy but there you have it - I'm alive and kicking once more. I'm guessing that the crucial point for me would be last Sunday, when I told myself that I'm walking away and never turning back. It was at that precise moment that I was liberated from all my bondages and baggages. I'm young, and I should be enjoying the freedom which I am fortunate enough to possess right now.
I've stepped out of the shadow which has loomed over me, influenced me for over 2 years. I'm free. Finally. My thanks to all the amazing people who have supported me through this unbelievably chaotic time. Those who have been a huge motivational factor in my messy life these 2 years, thank you so much for your time as well as your understanding.
In the midst of all my new-found jubilation, I've God to thank to. Somehow, I can sense that He has never forsaken nor forgotten me. If anything, He has been amazingly patient and loving, always telling me that things will get better before I even realise it. Thank God for seeing me through this rough patch.
Oh well, the true test will come when I have to face him again in school. I believe that I would have healed completely when I'm able to gracefully be a friend again. I hope this happens soon, as I would not want to burn any bridges, especially not this one. I've spent too much time and energy on it as it is.
Thank God for this period of respite from all my pain and burdens.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, May 21, 2004
♥ 11:28 AM
It has been told to me that you'll never be able to totally eradicate the memories of your first love. That may be true, but think about it: everything which happens to us become a part of us, and so, how can it be said that only first loves would be immortalised in our often complex minds? For that matter, most things which take place in our lives will be kept deep in the recesses of our brains, waiting for us to sift through them when the occasion calls for it.
However, this is not to say that first loves become any less important to all of us. No, this maiden venture into unmarked territory becomes the fundament of our future love lives. Through this experience, many learn to love and to bravely move on when love chooses to desert us. It's a process whereby we truly learn to love not only others but ourselves as well. Lovers will often bring out the hidden qualities in us, and these newly-discovered traits will undoubtedly play a gargantuan role in the road which lies ahead of us.
Upon further thought, I realised that just because you've kept these memories locked in your heart doesn't mean that you've not learnt to let go. On the contrary, I believe that once you're able to convert these intense feelings of affection into mere saccharine sweet memories, you've had it made - this first love is no longer a part of your present. Slowly but surely, it has become a figment from your past. A shadow that is alluring but has been rendered powerless and so, can longer hurt you.
For me especially, these few weeks have seen me trying to pack my hurt and pain into little boxes, and to store them deep into the storage compartment of my heart. I've succeeded somewhat, and I couldn't be happier. Although scars may remain when the wounds have healed, I take comfort in the idea that without these falls, I would not be the person I am today. Of course, I'm able to accomplish all this thanks to my Heavenly Father, to whom I owe all my achievements so far to.
Is this a turning point in my life? I hope it is.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
♥ 9:41 AM
I've been trying to sort out my feelings, and miraculously, I don't feel that upset anymore. Right now, what I'm experiencing is a feeling of apathy that's seriously quite welcoming. My thanks to all my friends who have kept me in their prayers and my pillars of support through this "crisis". Thank the good Lord too for His guidance and His grace - He has begun the healing process in me and it's so real that it's almost tangible. Praise the Lord for His great mercies and deeds.
Just last Sunday, I was deeply depressed but right now, I'm feeling a lot of energy(emotionally at least) and I just want to jump out of my seat and to do something enjoyable today. Obviously, my disposition has been much improved, and I'm more than glad for this U-turn. I've never felt so liberated in a long while now. I hope this is here to stay.
Speaking of happiness, I'm excited at the prospect of going back to school once more. Too bad I'll have to wait for a few more months as school only reopens in August. I'm not usually an extrovert but I'll make an effort to appear friendlier during orientation. Guess it's going to be something different for me. I thank God for choosing this route for me, and I've faith that it'll all work out in the end. Admittedly, I had my initial reservations with regard to my ultimate decision to head for SMU instead of NUS or NTU but at the back of my mind, I knew that I wanted something which defied conventions - I did not wish to take the tried and tested road. Strange, but this is me.
Life has just started getting better. Thank God for that.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
♥ 10:42 AM
I wish I could stop being so fickle but well, I'm unable to control myself so here it is: my new look! I really liked the colours and all so I chose this particular one. Enjoy!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, May 17, 2004
♥ 8:57 AM
I went car shopping 2 days in a row...I know I'm sorta jumping the gun(legally I can't drive yet) but I caouldn't help it. The array of sleek, beautiful bodies is simply irresistible. In case you're wondering, I finally settled for an economical vehicle I call "my little midget" - a cobalt blue Kia Picanto(manaul). It's time I kickstarted my life again. I'm not that little twit still in love with him anymore. I've so much more to accomplish in this life on earth which God has given me.
Speaking of which, one of my goals would be to discipline myself in terms of my diet. I'm prone to snacking and am magnetically drawn to desserts, especially fudge cakes and ice cream. This cannot be healthy in the long run and so, I'm planning to cut most of it out of my life. So here's goodbye to unwanted weight and obesity-linked diseases.
I've been thinking through a lot of things, and trying to sort out my feelings. This is no small task as there are many skeletons in my closet which I want exhumed forever. This may take a bit of time, but I trust that with God on my side, I've nothing to fear nor worry about. I have complete faith in Him, and in the promise that He'll never test us to the point whereby we would shatter. God is good. All the time.
After all that's been said and done, I think it's time for my bowl of cereal...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, May 16, 2004
♥ 11:07 AM
I changed my blogskin again! I think I may have way too much time on my hands. In any case, hope you guys like it and I guess there would be more changes coming your way. Sheesh.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, May 14, 2004
♥ 1:24 PM
I kinda find the lyrics of this song meaningful...at least it reflects my current state of mind.
Everytime
Britney Spears
Notice me
Take my hand
Why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?
Everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
After all...
After all... *~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
♥ 5:09 PM
I've been lied to again. What is wrong with me? When would I truly see that he's insincere and has no real intention of being my friend? I guess I'm just totally cluless when it comes to affairs of the heart. A lot of people are usually rational people elsewhere but whenver the subject of love is breached, they become blubbering individuals who are incapapble of coherent, rational thought. Sadly, I'm one such person.
Anyway, found this skin which I kinda liked so it'll have to do for the time being. The colour's not my favourite, but admittedly, it's not all that bad. Well, I've a feeling the reason why I chose this particular skin was because of it's title: And He Left Without Saying Sorry. Sounds a little bit sad but this is how I"m feeling right now. Betrayed and shockingly unloved. What is wrong with me? I can't afford to fall apart again. Not at this time when I'm on the brink of full recovery.
I know this may sound a tad annoying but truly, I can't help but feel for him. There's just this quality about him which has endeared itself to me so much so that I cannot let go easily. Call me pathetic, silly, whatever. I'm just being frank here. No point lying to myself any longer. I'm so sick and tired of all this pretense. Why should I force myself to feel happy over his new-found love? I'm only making myself more miserable.
To all my friends out there, sorry for bringing this up again. I'm really sorry.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
♥ 3:50 PM
I'm currently looking for a new blogskin, which would be dramatically different from this one. So watch this space!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, May 09, 2004
♥ 8:27 PM
I believe that I've come to a turning point in my life. Upon some self-reflection, I've come to realise that my perception of things have altered quite a bit. The things which used to occupy a large part of my life now seems ridiculously trivial and childish. Slowly, as I gravitate towards God, this radical change would undoubtedly be magnified even more.
However, there are still some troubling issues which I've yet to resolve. One main thing would be my inability to let go of my feelings for someone who has taken away a huge chunk of my esteem and confidence. Although I know deep down that he's bad news, I can't help but get myself involved whenever he needs me. I would just like to guve him a tight slap and walk away but I lack the strength to do so completely - detachment has never been so hard.
Many friends have urged me to take this bold step and to not care anymore, but how can I do that? Would merely throwing away 2 yrs' worth of friendship help me to heal faster? I really don't know anymore. At this particular crossroad, I find myself undecided. M intuition has left me, albeit only temporarily. I hope its holiday ends soon. I need it more than anything else right now to guide me. Well, come to think of it, I've God on my side, and when God's here, there's nothing to fear, so I think I'm just fine.
See, I'm beginning to contradict myself. How pathetic is that? No matter, I'm sure things will start to look up soon. My most current dilemma would be chossing the course and the university to go to. I've just received news from NUS, and it has offered me a choice of 2 courses: Business and Social Science. Although sorely disappointed that I was deemed unworthy of their law school, I'm glad that I at least have some choices. NUS has always been regarded as the best, and yes, it has to be, at least to the majority, for it has been around the longest. Yet, I'm reluctant to go there and be moulded and shaped like my predecessors. Well, I've one more week to make up my mind, so I guess I've my work cut out for me.
Life brings with it many twists and turns, and we must always remain flexible in order to avoid being eliminated in this highly competitive world.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, May 07, 2004
♥ 9:36 AM
Yet again, I've changed my blogskin due to the fact that I could not read my blog entries without hurting my pupils *guffaws* My thanks to Esther for her support during this period of time whereby I'm not getting any from the rest of my friends. Thanks girl, you're a real blessing to have around.
At times, it's disheartening to hear disparaging remarks from friends about the choices I've made in life. Although I've been feeling really hyped about starting school again, remarks like "what the heck are you going to do with that degree of yours?" can dampen my spirits quite a bit. Nevertheless, as I have said, God will see me through everything - I've the utmost faith in Him.
In times when we feel like throwing in the towel and just walking away, remember that what is happening to us happens for a reason. For that matter, I'm proud to announce that I'm starting to recover from the emotional blow which I've suffered and I'm beginning to realise that there's so much more in life worth living for. Just as Esther has said, I need not worry too much about relationships because God knows the exact match for us and He'll gift us with him in His own time.
For everything which He has seen me through, I give thanks and praise to the Lord God Almighty.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
♥ 2:53 PM
I realise that it's a tad hard to read my blog entries cos the colour of the words are too bright. No worries, I'll try to fix it yeah? Thanks for putting up with rubbish like this. I actually didn't feel like blogging but well, I guess people do change their fickle minds from time to time.
Was talking to a friend yesterday, and I felt slightly disappointed by her lack of support in terms of the course and university which I have chosen. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing, and so, I do not need anyone to nag me in hopes of me making a u-turn. Not going to happen. I like my life the way it is, and I'm proud of the decisions I've made. The last thing I need now is for my close friends to disapprove of what I want to do with MY life.
True, there might not be very bright prospects ahead of me due to the general nature of the course I've chosen to take, but I believe that God will provide, since He has put me here. I've no complaints. So what if I've failed to accomplish what I want to do - to gain entry into law school? There's a reason behind everything that happens, and I've faith that everything will turn out more than ok.
To all my friends out there: You've only so long to live, so grab this chance and do what you want. As long as it's legally erm, legal and morally acceptable you're safe. I think.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, May 03, 2004
♥ 12:41 PM
I've changed my blogskin yet again. I guess this is my way of constantly keeping myself up to date with my emotions. In these past few weeks, I've been through a lot of restructuring spiritually, with God at the helm of course. At long last, there is this sense of reconciliation with the Holy Spirit and I'm thrilled at the prospect of playing a more active role in church.
Although there are setbacks which I've been through, I know that I'm not alone - I've God, my family as well as my friends rooting for me all the way. Readers of my blog, you know who you are, and I thank God for you and all your kind words of encouragement. Without you guys, I would have crumbled eons ago. I'm not kidding.
At long last, I've convinced myself that I no longer want to be part of the illicit little affair which I've been carrying on. This is not only a result of Dawn's pleas but also the work of God in my life. I felt extremely convicted while I was praying one night and it was then that I decided to extricate myself from this mess and to walk away. No tears, no regrets. This is something which I should have done months ago. It hurts me deeply to let go, but some things are just not meant to be.
I know that I've disappointed many friends by betraying my own conscience and starting up with an attached guy, but I want them to know that it was pure folly, and I've promised God that I would give it up completely. It is neither right nor healthy, and I would refrain from getting myself involved in the affairs of the heart until God gives me the go ahead.
Hopefully, I've put my life back on track once more.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
