Why do I still miss you?

Went for free fencing today out of sheer boredom. Didn't fence well at all as expected but this may not be a bad thing as I was given some time to do a little reflection while I watched others fence.

Looking at him fence today somehow brought back many memories which, for some strange reason, made me really sad. I was reminded of how I used to look on him with pride as he fenced; how I used to cheer for him; how my heart would skip a beat when he received hits from his opponent. These little triggers almost caused me to break down as I started to remember the way we used to exchange secret smiles; the manner in which he would subtly show me affection during trainings; our secret rendevous before and post training sessions. Gosh, I hate myself for doing this but I miss him terribly.

I miss the way he would embrace me and kiss me whenever I feel down. I long dearly for his precious company. I yearn for our little talks while cuddling. Most of all, I just feel so lonely without him around. His beautiful smile always brightens up my day. Friends have asked what the "Yd" written lovingly and carefully on my mask stands for. I can only tell you that at the time it was written, it stood for "Y's darling". It may no longer be true, but as long as I've not gotten over him, I will not remove this mark which was made during happier times.

There's no chance that this would ever be read by him, but I would really want to tell him this:you have been the one constant in my life who never fails to bring a smile to my face; there has never been another guy in my life and in my heart after you.

You're still my darling. I love you.







My Friend

My friend, I stand in judgment now,
And feel that you're to blame somehow.
On earth I walked with you each day,
And never did you show the way.

You knew the Saviour in truth and glory,
But never did you tell the story.
My knowledge then was very dim,
You could have led me safe to Him.

Though we lived together here on earth,
You never told me of His second birth.
And now I stand condemned
Because you failed to share Him then.

You taught me many things that are true;
I called you friend and trusted you,
But I learn now that it's too late -
You could have saved me from that fate.

We talked by day and talked by night,
And yet you showed me not the light.
You let live and love and die -
You knew I'd never live up high.

Yes, I called you my friend in life,
And trusted you through joy and strife.
And yet coming to this end
I can no longer call you my friend

-Author unknown-







Tired. Tired. Tired.

Rested for a full day today with the exception of a small trip to Thomson Plaza to get my eyebrows shaped and some nice apples. Overcharged me for the eyebrow shaping by $1 but since they did a pretty decent job I decided not to pursue the matter. Oh yea, bought a loaf of bread from NTUC FraiPrice too - Bonjour wholemeal loaf (Yum!). Met many idiotic drivers as usual on the road - why can't those obtuse maniacs understand that the signal lights are there for a reason? Sheesh. And mind you, I may be a lady driver zipping around in a puny car but I am not a pushover. Geddit?

Talking to Cheryl about relationships, and I truly realise how empty I feel at times when I'm all alone and in need of a strong pair of arms to lean into. It is precisely moments like these that I find myself drawing nearer to God, turning all my vulnerabilities over to Him. And this is a good thing. Although sometimes, I do believe that too much of a good thing is bad. Don't you?

Sigh...life really presents many paradoxes which never fails to confuse and antagonise.







I'm burning out. Fast.

Went for fencing this morning. Reached the salle at 10am and was there till 1.30 pm. Didn't do well, yet again, and am extremely disgusted with myself for my outbursts. Why am I unable to control my emotions? Maybe I do have that loose screw somewhere up there.

Ok, so training was disastrous. What can I expect when I'm so unfocused? Truly, I'm beginning to experience what people commonly call a "burn out". Besides being unable to concentrate on fencing, I've lost all drive when it comes to school work as well. It's not that I'm physically tired. I'm not. Rather, it's a mental fatigue which is slowly sapping me of all my energy and vitality. Scary. Think I need to take a break.

However, all's not lost. At least not to me. Made an appointment with him so we would be meeting up tomorrow if nothing crops up and he doesn't play me out. It's been some time ever since I've been out with a guy. It's an even longer time since I've gone out with an attractive, sincere, and totally nice guy.

Yeah, so as for now, I'm feeling pretty excited.







Unresolved issues...wish you girls were here with me

Went for fencing training last evening and found myself being unable to focus (yet again!) and hence, I subsequently ended up feeling utterly frustrated with my inability to fence properly. Want prove of my inadequacies? I fell on my ass during drills because I was not concentrating on what I was doing. Mortifying, disgusting, disgraceful.

Asshole 2 was trying his best to ignore me (as usual) so I returned the treatment. Like the saying goes, "do unto others what you want others to do unto you"; so if he wants to ignore me, then don't blame me for following suit. I can't really be bothered anyway.

Recently, I've been hit by this overwhelming wave of fatigue which has caused me to slip into periods of depression without much provocation. This has affected all aspects of my life. Friendships, relationships, school work, training, the list goes on and on. What in the world is wrong? Frankly I've not the faintest idea. This cannot be good.

My dreary day was brightened finally when I chatted with him via MSN for a couple of hours. It is so refreshing talking to a guy who's not trying too hard. It is thoroughly enjoyable being able to communicate with a man who's not afraid to say what he feels. Yes my dears, I am officially smitten with him. Being with him simply puts me at ease and I feel that I can say whatever I want without being judged. However, like I've said in earlier posts, the chances of things proceeding beyond friendship between us aren't very high, and this distresses me to a certain extent.

Argh, why does every good thing come with some sort of liability which cannot be ignored or overlooked?







What am I to do now?

Went for a bbq at Sentosa last night, and despite my misgivings, I had a blast. On of the reasons why would be due to the fact that he was there. Not asshole 2 but the indian guy whom I'm enamoured of.

In this time and age, where can you find men who would relieve you of ur handbag just so that you've your hands free to eat? In this time and age, how many men would wait downstairs until you're safely home after dropping you off before going off?

Yep, I am besotted with him and it's not hard to see why. He's a gentleman and which girl doesn't want to be romanced by one?

One BIG problem. He's an Indian and I hail from a traditional chinese family. Aside from familial objections, there would be other issues to deal with including having to settle differences among culture and beliefs. This is not a matter which can be settled overnight and hell, I wish I knew exactly how to act right now.

Serene is one confused girl currently.







Yet another loss...how many more can I take?

Lost the under-20s team event. Feels terrible because I know that I wasn't fencing at all. I was just standing on the piste acting as a target board for my opponents. Embarrassing really, but at that juncture, winning was not on my mind. In fact, fencing wasn't even my top priority. And I was standing on the piste! Really, I should learn how to focus.

I attribute part of my failure to one of my teammates, whom I shall not name. Why do you think that you will motivate me by shouting rubbish instructions at me while I'm fencing and ordering me as to what to do on the piste before my bouts? What makes you think that you're that terrific? If you really are as good as you think you are, show it to the world by winning something. Why are you still medal-less till now? Why are you such a bitch?

I'm no less a girl than you. I do not have to take shit from you. And you know what, from now on, don't count on me trying to be nice towards you despite your bad behaviour. Honestly honey, it doesn't prove a thing except that you have parents who do not know how to educate you properly. Either that or your character's simply flawed.

I hope you can live with yourself after all you've put people through.







There's never a dull moment in life...

Fencing under-20s team event tomorrow, and can't say that I've been performing well. Fencing training today was less than ideal. I not only blew my top over very minor matters but also tried my best to provoke him. Bitchy bitchy bitchy me. But then again, I might be PMS-ing so there. Coach spoke to me about my lack of control over my emotions and yes, it was a rather sobering experience. I am thinking that I might just have some sort of anger management problem. Oh well, there you have it...I'm a closet nut case.

I know this may seem amusing to those who know me very well, but I'm not kidding. I have developed a crush on one of my team mates. This may not seem surprising until I reveal that he's an Indian (!!!) and a Sikh at that. Talk about the ironies of life. Will show you girls his pic if the opportunity comes by.

Right, had CT presentation today and it is with regret that I bid my awesome CT mates adieu. I thoroughly enjoyed working with them and should there not be a CT group, then I would never have met my cute Indian (he has Japanese blood by the way).

In all this day hasn't been a most pleasant one and I can only pray that tomorrow's fencing competition will bring some much needed joy into my life. I'm so tired...a medal of any colour ought to perk me up.







Ok, yet another V-day spent alone...

That makes 20 V-days now. Not that I'm complaining; singlehood does have its plus points too. However, as I get older, I do feel a tinge of something - it could well be envy - whenever I see happy couples strolling down the street when I go out. How does it feel to have someone by your side? How wonderful is it to have that special someone to hold you whenever you need to be held? These are questions which, as of now, are unanswered.

For those not in the know, I've never had a boyfriend before. Ever. I've never been in love, have never received chocolates or flowers in my life, and have never had the pleasure of introducing a nice young man to my family and friends before. At times, I do yearn for it. How nice it would be to be in an exclusive relationship with another being.

Although this may be so, I am not dismissing the fact that with a relationship comes numerous responsibilities which I may not be mature enough to handle as yet. Plus, every relationship is a risk. It may sound daunting, but it's a chance I want to take. This is a manner in which I can grow up.

Well, I may feel alone but I know that I'm surrounded by loving friends and family as well as a gracious God who cares for me more than anyone else in this world. Ok, Happy Valentine's Day to each and every reader of my blog. Love you all.







What goes around comes around

I have no idea as to why I have chosen to title this post as such. Oh well, I can be one confused female at times.

Went over to his place for a fencing get together last night but chose not to stay over. Had a lot of fun talking to the rest of the fencers and I thank God for the opportunity for us to have this little get together just to let our hair down a tad.

Gambling was the main draw of the evening and since I'm an absolute moron when it comes to activities like such (what the heck is ban lat?) I was left out of the action. Spoke to his mom quite a bit and I do like her a lot. She has such a sweet and cheerful disposition that it's almost contagious. Was really touched by her recollection of her difficult recovery following a stroke 4 years back and am glad that she is rather healthy currently. Thank God for people like her to inspire me when I'm feeling lost and unsure of myself.

My parents invited the fencers over to dinner tonight and although only 4 people turned up I was grateful. Had a hearty steamboat dinner followed by a private screening of "Cats and Dogs". Really lame show. Was rather entertained throughout the entire movie. Was even more amused when my mom commented on how eligible one of the fellas was. Although to be frank, I do share the same sentiments. Shhh.....

Yep other than that my week has been meaningfully boring. Ha, what the heck. 3 mid terms and a fencing competition coming up. I had better begin studying.







My Chinese New Year 2005

Went to my dad's godparents' place in the afternoon for lunch. Yummy! Curry, pig's trotters, ngoh hiang. My first stop of the day. Met a whole bunch of reltives and was subjected to the usual "wah, so big already", "so pretty now" and "how come still got no boyfriend". Oh well, that I can accept, but what really pissed me off was one beautician relative of mine commenting on how much fats I have around my waist, and how chunky my arms are. Didn't help that my mom agreed whole-heartedly and even begged her to perform some wonderfully miraculous slimming procedure on me Hey, I may not be skinny but that doesn't mean I'm fat. Even if I am, I do not wish it to become a discussion topic. Boy do I feel so good about myself now.

Next stop: 2nd Grandaunt's place. From Changi to Clementi. My feet ached from driving for an extended period of time under horrendous traffic conditions - my car's a manual one. Stayed. there for a couple of hours and managed to do a little bit of eating (again!!) and catching up with my cousin who happens to be deliciously eligible - he's track captain of CJC. Ok, was about to suffocate due to the oppressing heat and boredom when parents announced that we should get going. Heaved a sigh of relief before realising that this meant I would be driving again.

Last stop of the day would be my uncle's place near Boon Keng. Stopped for a really fattening dinner of curry, stewed duck and the like. Had a slab of fruit cake later and somemore assorted goodies. Heck, I'm fat already anyway. My uncle's wife asked me to bring my boyfriend along next time round. Me: smiled feebly and said okay. What's up with the whole boyfriend issue anyway? Sheesh.

Alrighty, going to my grandma's place now. Food food and more food. I am so screwed. Have a happy 2nd day of the new year!








Happy CNY - ushering in the year of the rooster

Well, it's not exactly new year yet - there's still approximately a quarter of a day left.

Anyhow, went to grandma's place for reunion lunch this afternoon, and stuffed myself with bee hoon, soups, chicken curry, sugee cake and the like. Feel like a pig. Really. Then rushed down to school for AS lesson and after that, dashed back home. Now I'm blogging.

Met him in school today (can I get any luckier?) when I went for lesson. Sigh. Lesson was quite a drag owing to the fact that I didn't really want to be there. Was good seeing all my school mates though. I do enjoy my lessons with them. Thank God for that.

Talked to my relatives about my relationship problems, and all my aunts came to a common consensus that asshole 2 has a really dishonest face. Was taken aback by their lack of restraint in their criticisms of him but well, am glad that they were honest with me. Will endeavour to forget him as soon as possible. That's the task I set for myself in the new year. Of course, that and getting integrated into my new church as well aw studying extra hard to salvage my GPA.

Will be eating yet again later - reunion dinner with my paternal side of the family - and I am beginning to really worry about my weight. Sheesh. Right, need to go watch a bit of tv now before the riotous (and annoying) bunch invade my nice little home.

Happy CNY everyone!








Ladies' Epee National Under-20s (Individual)

Had a really bad day at the Clementi sports hall today. Thank God for seeing me through it though. Went through round robin with 2 wins and 3 losses. That sucked. Was knocked out by a novice later on. That was an even bigger blow. However, one thing remains - God was there for me and He is holding me in His embrace even as I am currently blogging with a weary spirit.

Things didn't look up when he came. To me, he is a constant source of unwanted attention and a part of me really wished that he wouldn't show up; the other more shameless part desperately wanted him to just treat me nice. I'm pathetic. Think it's PMS.

Coming up I've the under-20s team tournament on the 20th Feb followed by FS open on the 27th. Thank God for these wonderful opportunities for me to test the waters and to gain some fencing experience.

Gave Jared a lift home today and was pleasantly surprised by how easy it was for me to tell him the whole story about asshole 2. Maybe it's the fact that I find him really attractive - he's 25, and he has just returned from Virginia for a few months. Or maybe it's because I was thoroughly exhausted and was suffering from a bad case of verbal diarrhoea. I don't know. All I know is that he has every intention to seek out asshole 2 and to talk to him regarding this. I'm not sure if that's a good idea.

Alright, that's all I have for today. Am emotionally and physically drained. Sayonara. Till we meet again.








My life thus far...

Went for sociology lesson this morning at 9 and was stuck in there till 12. Brought my laptop along just in case I needed to take notes but ended up surfing the net instead of listening to prof Chung. This is bad. I ought to resist the temptation to bring my laptop to school in the future. By 11 my poor stomach was growling. Friends beside me pretended not to notice. 11 plus, one friend farted. Really loudly. I acted nonchalant. Before I knew it, lessons had ended. Phew. I survived yet another sociology class. Now if only I can remember enough of the lecture in order to write my learning journal.

Headed to Thomson plaza with my folks. Bought a whole lot of fruits and some snacks. Putting on weight fast. This is bad. I must learn to control myself a little bit more. Had Japanese food for dinner before heading for church.

Service was awesome - my one highlight of a really mundane week. Cried while pastor prayed. It has been so long since I felt a conviction which is so strong. I am beginning to feel a connection with the church although it remains to be seen if I would transfer my membership from SAC to PLMC. Leaving it to God to decide.

Right, fencing under 20s tomorrow and thank God for the calm He has instilled in this wild bronco of a heart of mine. I'm just going to relax, have a nice rest and see how far He takes me during the national tournament tomorrow. It's my big day. Thank God for giving me this opportunity to fence.

Time to go rest my weary body. Thank God for everything.








A weighty issue

Made a startling discovery today. Think one of my BGS groupmates might be suffering from an eating disoder. It's a wonder how nobody has realised this before me. I remember her being fleshy in a really healthy way last semester, and comparatively, she has lost too much weight. How could I have been so blind not to have notice those excessively skinny arms and sunken cheeks? She resembles a walking skeleton. This deserves some attention, although I know not how to broach this sensitive subject.

Speaking of weight, I was talking to my friends regarding this issue today during social psychology class. Turns out that one of my friends used to be a victim of our society's warped vision of beauty. She's beautifully voluptuous by nature, and I happen to find her absolutely gorgeous. To lose those desirous curves of hers would be a crying shame. And guess what, she's one hot babe who never lacks suitors - including caucasians.

She revealed that she was pressured into losing weight due to the fact that society dictates that skinny = beautiful. How illogical is that? Everybody is born different. Some "lucky" ones are naturally slim whereas others like myself are gifted with curves. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because we are not equipped with androgynous bodies does not mean that we are ugly. God made all of us in His own image and so, we are never ugly.

I want to let all my friends know that should men be enamoured of you because of your looks, or body, then you're better off without him. I have fallen prey to the skinny trap before, and let me tell you this: it is not fun struggling to transform your body into a shape it wasn't meant to take. Take it from me, embrace your femininity and love your body, and men will naturally love you. All girls are pretty in their own ways, and there really is no need for you to starve and even resort to potentially lethal pills just to feel socially accepted.

Trust me, each and everyone of you girls out there is wonderfully perfect in the eyes of the man God has intended for you.









Rotting in class...

Am sitting in Evans SR2 now, having yet another Sociology lesson. This is the first time that I'm blogging during lesson - probably be the last too. This isn't right. I really ought to be concentrating on my prof's delivery of globalisational processes, but really, I'm too tired to stay awake.

Haven't been sleeping well too. Late nights, fitful sleep. I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm a mere humble mortal who needs rest and play too. Currently, my week goes like this:

Monday: Get up at around 8 plus 9. Do my daily exercise. Go to school for Social Psychology lesson. Come home. Do work.

Tuesday: Rest day! Try to finish readings. Go to school for project meetings. Come home. Do more work.

Wednesday: Lessons begin at 10.15 am and end at 6.45 pm with NO breaks in between. AS in the morning, followed by Sociology and Democracy. Rush down to ubi for fencing after school. Get home at around 11. Bathe, try to do some work.

Thurdays: Lessons begin at 1.45 pm and end at 6.45pm. Social Psychology followed by BGS. Rush down yet again for fencing after school, and reach home at around 11. Stay up and try to complete AS work.

Friday: CT from 12.00pm to 3.15pm. CT meeting before school. Fencing training from 4.30 onwards. Get home at around 11 yet again.

Saturday: BGS meeting, AS meeting, CT meeting...you get my drift. Hurry down to church after meetings and get home at around 10 plus.

Sunday: Breakfast with folks, then off to ubi again for fencing. Get home in the late
afternoon and help with some housework before doing work again.

There you have it. A typical week for me this term. My parents and sister hardly see me anymore. Thank God for helping to see me through this incredibly heavy term. I will survive.

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