I've a new blog skin. Think that it totally represents me. This is how I feel inside. Dark and dead. Ironically, my fave colours when it comes to colthes are, well, black and red. Life is full of ironies. Full of deceit. Full of heartbreak. Full of unhappiness. What then are we living for? There's absolutely no value in doing the things we do apart from serving God. Love? Friendship? Fuck it all. I've no interest anymore.

Although I sound mighty depressed again, I thank God for His timely interventions with regards to my education. It has been announced that the SAT component has been scrapped, and I couldn't be happier. Thank God for His goodness and His mercy. I would be totally lost and broken without His support. He has always been there for me and yes, He'll be with all of us through our most difficults trials. He is, and will be my life from now on. Nothing holds much value for me anymore. I just wanna obtain my law degree and to look after my parents well. Yes yes yes, stop asking. I want a man who would love and take care of me. That's all i ask. To have a happy family. To be truly joyful for once in my life.

In the midst of all my confusion. God presented happiness to me last night while I was in church. For the first time in years, I felt jubilance seeping through my weary bones. Thank God. Really, this could be a turning point in my life. I'll be able to do much more for Him in uni I'm sure, and I'm more than willing to. Honest.







I'm so confused. What's up with me? I know he's no good for me yet I keep going back time and time again, only to get hurt each time I go near him. I'm so tired. Too tired. I'm hoping that God will help me out of this. I've fallen into this deep, dark pit and I cannot get out. I'm so scared.

I've to be strong for my friends and family. That's why I refuse to acknowledge that I've already began to crumble a long time ago. Won't somebody come and help me? I feel like I'm trapped in this gas chamber where death will be gradual and painful. Why doesn't he care? Why is it so hard to love me a little? Am I so detestable? You're a bastard who ruined my life and destroyed my self cofidence and you damn well know it. Fuck you. And fuck your judgemental mother. I know she thinks that I'm a slut compared to the "paragon" you're dating. Fuck you.







Carrie Bradshaw angrily screamed to Mr Big that he seemed to possess some sort of radar that could detect her happiness and he would then swoop down to shit all over it. Well, Miss Bradshaw is right in pointing out the existence of guys like Mr Big. I'm speaking from experience.

Let me explain ladies and gentlemen. I was beginning to move on and yes, I've been much happier but look who chooses to pop up again when I told him distinctively that I NEVER wanted to hear from his stinky selfish self ever. He told me that he likes giving people surprises. Well, I think he's just being a jerk by expressing his immense joy at having found a girl who makes him far happier than I could.

All those comments about me being fat, insensitive and the like hurt me so deeply that frankly, I lost total confidence in myself and even faith in God for a period of time. Thank the heavens that God gently ministered to me and held me strong, else I would have crumbled a long time ago. Is it merely Murphy's law or could it be possible that all bastards know exactly when to spring back into our lives again after cruelly wrecking them? I've observed that this pitiful plight doesn't only befall me but a significant number of women as well. Fuck them all. And you know I never say that.

I'm angry. Good and truly angry with him.







I've been feeling lost lately. Nightmares have become my bosom buddies who visit me everynight to serenade me with their unearthly music. I guess it's due to the stress I've been under as my results will be released soon. I have faith in God, no doubt about that, but I've no confidence in myself. Although this may be so, I still thank God for keeping me healthy and sane throughout this whole time. There came to be a point in time whereby I wanted to just absent myself from my exams but God's prodding and encouragements kept me afloat and it's a victory in itself to actually successfully sit for all my papers.

Blessed be the Lord God almighty.

I was watching Sex and the City yet again (it's the second last ep already), and Carrie was confiding in Miranda that whenever things are going well for her, she tends to think of Mr Big (her jerk of an ex-boyfriend) and what it would be like to be here, experiencing happiness with him. This evoked a somewhat strong reaction in me as I too, go through this. Even though he has treated me badly, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be standing here with him, holding his hands and just feeling secure in his arms. Well, maybe all women are alike in some way or another - the problems we face are universal. Gosh, I love the show and would miss it when it's all over. I mean, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda have been such fun and the genre of comedy on television won't be the same anymore without them.

Speaking of departures, I've been getting bad vibes from my friends. I think maybe, that our seven-year friendship is falling apart. There's something missing and I feel it. There's a void that incessant talking and desperate attempts to cover up awkward silences cannot fill. All good things must come to an end, and perhaps, it's time to let go of this flimsy excuse of a bond that we've all been clinging onto. I read Val's blog, and I guess she feels the same too. That's life I guess and Val dearie, feel free to call me and to share with me your burdens. Same goes for Ying too. Let me know if you have any problems. I'll gladly listen. You've both been great friends. Really.

Life has taught me many lessons, and the most painful one would be that of love. I flinch everytime I recall how deeply I've been wounded by him, and yes, it would take me a long while before I warm up to a person of the opposite sex again. However, I must learn to pick up the pieces and to hold my head high again. I've done so, because God was there.

Parise be to God.







I had actually completed a post which I wish to have published when Blogger chose to screw up. It destroyed my post. Wiped out. Annihilated. What a pity. What a crying shame. Life sucks...?

Ok, so maybe what I had written was not meant to be published. Maybe. Anyhow, I thank God for the day of rest which He has given to all at home, and also for helping to soothe my raw, edgy nerves. I trust that He will see me through everything, including the impending release of my 'A' level results. I trust Him totally. Praise be to Him.

I met up with my girl pals for dinner last night, and guess what, this girl was lamenting about her inability to hook up with a guy. my reaction to that was surprisingly strong - I was deeply disgusted. Being 19, we are in our prime, and really, when it happens, it happens. No point worrying about it prematurely. Love is really not as sweet as it seems. It takes a lot of faith, effort, as well as commitment. It's no ride in the park, and yes, I am not exactly looking forward to experiencing t again so soon.

I have better things to do. Like blogging.







Had a terrifying dream last night about a haunted hotel where I was putting up. Faces etched into muddy soils, hands that appear out of nowhere to grab you each time you walk past. Sheesh, I can feel shivers travelling in continuous waves down my spine. The whole dream was so morbid, so dark, so disturbing. Wonder if it meant anything.

I was praying last night when I came across a very interesting scripture which tells of what sexual sins to avoid. Came from the book of Leviticus I think. Very engaging read. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Just realised that most of my entries sound very dull, and serious. I don't have a clue how I should write in order to liven up my blog entries and well, I shan't care until I think of a way. That's life all you dudes and dudettes. Take it easy. Relax. Breathe. Thinking back, this blog was birthed for the purpose of holding all my grievances with regard to him. The guy who totally broke my heart and tormented me for two years. Well, that agonised stage is now over, and I have discovered that I'm capable of writing happy entries too!

As it is, life is too short for us to wallow in self-pity, so I figured, why not just make the most of the time you have left on this pathetic earth and try to achieve happiness? Sounds good yeah? I'll make it my goal for the year 2004. Of course, I'll try to serve God more too.








I realise that I've been blogging a lot. Like almost every single day. Gosh, this is creepy, by my standards. Guess I've been a bored bored girl.

Met up with my friends yesterday, and I was strangely compelled to buy two articles of clothes that one, are not nice at all and two, do not suit me even a little bit. There you have it. Another act of impluse. Really, my parents are really smart not to grant me a supplementary Visa card even though I asked for one. I would bankrupt them in an instant.

I finally heard from Dawn! Seems like an eternity since I last saw her. Wonder how she's doing there. Is she homesick? Is she healthy? I sound like a mother hen already. But no matter, I miss her dearly. It's strange how we never ever notice what we have till it's gone. So strange.

SO hungry. But there's nothing to eat at home. Shall go rummage for some form of sustenance. Have a good life all you mortals out there! Be happy!







The morning is beautiful. Thank God for His marvellous works of art. I got up at 7.25 am; it is relatively early but somehow, I could not get back to sleep anymore. I dreamt about my family last night, and how we all shared a feast. It made me miss my grandmother very much. She is the most benevolent, loving and generous woman I have ever met. She radiates a warmth which no one else does in this cruel, bleak world. I love her alot, and I have been praying that she would come to know the Lord soon.

I wrote an email to Dawn yesterday. I know pretty well that she should be too busy settling in to check her mailbox but I could not help it. I guess I'm suffering from some Dawn withdrawal symptoms. Wanted to go shopping yesterday but there was no one to go with. Or rather, there was no one I wanted to go with. It's just not the same as my other friends all have vastly different tastes and it's hard to go shopping with them as there would be conflicts for sure.

I heard that the "A" level results would be out the week after next. Although I am alarmed by the news, I have faith that God will see me through this, and my results would be sterling, at least by by own standards. God has been very forgiving and patient with me, and I thank Him for that. Life has been different every since I turned back. This reminds me of the story of the Prodigal Son. Strange.

Whatever it is, I believe that we should all live life to the max, because You never know if it could be your last.







Dawn left yesterday night. The whole experience was almost surreal, like we are all meandering in a dream and would wake up sometime soon to find that nothing has or will be changed. However, reality bites, and one of us has left. And now, there were six. Although I feel a deep sense of loss at having to part with one of the best friends I have found, I am happy for her. She is going to pursue her dream and surely, that cannot be a bad thing. Despite this, there's something inside me that tells me that things will never be the same again. How would she be the next time we meet? Would she already be so deeply steeped in the Australian culture and way of life that I can no longer communicate with her? These are questions that truly frighten me.

All these doubts aside, I have to thank God for gifting such a wonderful friend to me. Not only do we share many interests, I felt that unlike some friends and I, I could truly be myself in front of Dawn. She's a God-send and yes, I wish her all the best in all her future endeavours.

When all the tears dry, I am left with the reality that there would be a void in my life which none but Dawn can fill. All those shopping sprees, bitching sessions, intellectual conversations will be fondly remembered by me. I'll miss her very much. It is strange how I always felt that I would never be so badly affected by a buddy's departure. Perhaps I have distanced myself too much from all the complexities of human emotions. It is now time to face the truth: I am human and therefore, am not infallible. This whole concept is foreign to me, but doubtless, it exists.

Dawn, this entry is dedicated to you. We will always be friends.







13th February, the eve of V-Day. The group of us went out for a last get together before our beloved friend Dawn leaves for Australia to commence on her degree in Vet Science. We went to Tambuah Mas for good, authentic Indonesian food. It was a bittersweet gathering of sorts for even in the midst of the laughter and hearty banter, we all knew that this would be one of the last time we would be together in a group, in this fashion.

Post dinner, we headed down to Embargo, where Dawn and I, who were itching for some fun, proceeded to Centro to drink, dance, as well as make merry. Again, I could not help but feel a great sense of loss, as I knew that things would never be the same again. who can guarantee that nothing would change over the course of our year-long separation? As it is, people make adjustments to their lives all the time. Nothing would ever be the same again.

However, a strange event lighted up our evening. This bouncer actually tried to pick me up, not once but several times. I was intimidated but we had a good laugh when we were on our way home.

14th February, a day for love birds. As mentioned in previous postings, I've never had a boyfriend before and so, I've not experienced the sweetness of celebrating this day with my significant other. As fact, V-Day has never really affected me. Although this might be so, this year's V-Day is special, owing to the fact that I got to attend the MTV Video Music Award (Asia) with some friends. We held standing tickets, which means that we can dance and party with the musicians that came down. For some of my friends, the draw of the evening would be 5566, Gareth Gates and the like. For me, I awaited with baited breath the sterling performances put up by Black Eyed Peas as well as Simple Plan. Awesome. Simply marvellous. Took my breath away. Literally, because I was really dancing to their songs.

That aside, my sister told me that evening that she spotted him with his new girlfriend. I admit. I was saddened by this revelation but then, life has to go on. Thank God for the strength He has given me. I will go on. I have to. In any case, I wish him all the best despite him having taken advantage of me and breaking my heart. God has given me the courage to face the gargantuan task of moving on and I will make full use of it. Thank God for all His grace and goodness. I will be nothing without Him.







I'm not going out today. I'll be staying home and doing nothing. Well, maybe I'll go fiddle with my guitar later. Seriously, life is meaninglessly mundane is it not? Daily, we go about doing the same things over and over again. It has become a fixed routine which is frankly, rather dull. However, I've come to realise that happiness is what you perceive it to be and so, whether or not we do eventually live in bliss is heavily dependant on the way we construct our thoughts as well as the way we go about executing tasks.

Yesterday, I met up with Janise. It has been eons since we went out alone. Anyway, although we went from Orchard to Suntec, doing nothing but browsing, it was relaxing. Just strolling along the busy streets of Singapore, watching people. This may seem a little strange, but do try it. It's almost therapeutic. Ok, so I admit that we did buy a little something each. Jan bought a set of false lashes while I purchased a jacket from Dorothy Perkins. At $43, I should think that it was quite a splurge. I mean, we do not really need jackets in Singapore do we? Oh well, guess it's another one of my impulse buys.

Valentine's day is coming up. And I'm not excited at all. I'm 19, and I've never spent this day with someone special before, so frankly, I can't be bothered with this rubbish. It is cliche to hear bitter people comment that Valentine's Day is commercialised and the whole notion was conceived to fleece lovey dovey couples of their money, hence I shall not go into that. I'll just be sitting around talking with all my single, and yes, attractive friends. Whoever said that only ugly, undesirable spinsters are single ought to be shot and hung. Take the cue from the lovely ladies from Sex and the City. Enjoy singlehood. It's the best fun you'll ever have.

And that, ladies and gents, is the undeniable truth.







I've a new blogskin, with rather cute music to boot! *happy* It's basically a more childish, tinkly version of Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" and I really fancy it. Think it kinda complements the skin. Well, that's all from me for now. Just came home and am dead beat.








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I just read Val's blog. Hmm...just wanna let Val know that if I can pick myself up and carry on with life, then she can too! It's essentially a step of faith - I lifted everything to God and truly, he has aided me tremendously. It's all about faith my dears. It's good to see that most of my pals have started to emerge from the pits of despair that they've been in. This is the power of prayer. :)

Whatever it is, I feel that I've become increasingly brave and yes, I'm so much happier these days. There was indeed a period of time whereby I sank into the murky depths of depression but it's all over now. I've emerged victorious and I'm proud of myself. Thanks be to God.







Another Monday morning. Well, I had a dream last night regarding the collection of my 'A' Level results. Frightening. Truly disturbing. I'm beginning to believe that perhaps, I'm too stressed up and uptight about this whole matter. I must learn to have more faith and to trust that God will see me through all these things; all burdens I have He will remove once I surrender them to Him. Thank God for all His goodness.

My aunt's flat burned down a couple of nights ago. It's miraculous that although the flat was charred, no one was injured. Thank God. Somehow, the childrens' room caught fire and yes, flames soon consumed the entire flat. Some of you might have even seen it on the news.

Another event that took place would have to be the death of one of my best friend's grandfather. Although his death was imminent, hearing about it still shocked me. Will be going down to the Singapore Casket today with friends. Hope everything is find.







Finally, there seems to be a breakthrough in my life. Thank God for that. I've become more positive as a result, and pieces of the "me" I've lost are resurfacing again. Thank God again for that achievement. I'm no longer the moping, moody individual. That was never me in the first place.

Hey fellas, the real me is back! :)

A couple of days ago, I had a very engaging conversations with a fine young man whom I find rather level-headed and down to earth. He's destined for great things with an excellent personality like his. I enjoyed every moment of the chat we had, even though it caused me to miss American Idol 3 - one of my favourite shows. Through him, I find that I've gained not just a new friend but also a new perspective on some issues regarding life and love. He's so positive that man, it's infectious. My gratitudes to God for gifting him to me at the time when I was on the verge of collapse.

Speaking of the almighty Father's works in my life, I sense a revival in me. To be able to choose having fun - I was going to go clubbing with friends at Chinablack - was a huge accomplishment. The feeling of being on fire again is awesome, and I don't want to just be a bystander anymore in God's mighty plans. This is the time for me to give something back to Him. In fact, this is the first time in eons that I've felt so jubilant.

Is the worst behind me? I certainly hope so.








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I think my father's having an affair. It wouldn't be the first time, but well, I was very affected by this revelation. Often, I would feel very envious of people who seem to have it all. Good boyfriends who love them and complete families. In truth, my family hasa been broken for many years. Although my parents are still together, I feel that for a long time now, my father has stopped loving my mother.

Whenever I think about this issue, a sense of grief overwhelms me, rendering me paralysed by all the pain that has gripped me and held me hostage. The institution of marriage no longer holds any meaning for me. My heart has been broken, and mayhap, it may never be the same again.

Sometimes, I wonder why God has chosen this rocky path for me to take. Why me? Why can't I have the idyllic life I have been yearning for? It has been years since I truly felt happy. I'm a prisoner of my own emotions. This is suffocating me. However, I know I have to press on. God has a plan for me, and yes, I will follow Him. All the way.







"Where is the love?" Well, that is a question which I would like answered. Increasingly, I find myself detached from this planet which I live on. How do you deifne love? Does it even exist? If so, in what form does it come in? Undeniably, there's God's love, and yes, cynical as I am, I believe in it. I have faith in this awesome power of my Lord Jesus Christ. Besides this, what else is there? Can love be found on this earth?

Is having sex love? Is the act of giving presents love? I do not think so. Many a time, young people are swayed into beginning a sexual relationship as to them, it exemplifies love. How many truly agree with this stand? I know I do not. Many men use this ruse to bed girsl, and it's despicable. To the girls, it is a sacrificial act of giving love. To their male counterparts, it is a relaease of pent-up sexual energy. How can this farce be love?

Gifts, some might say, can represent people's love for one another. I beg to differ. How can material goods be symbolic of the most complex emotion of all time - love? Yes, I admit, I am disillusioned and saddened by the things that have taken place in my life, so much so that slowly, I am starting to think that perhaps, there is no true loe between a man and a woman. That is why marriages fall apart, and heartbreak exists. We have come to take this emotion called love for granted. We have mercilessly slandered it, and reduced it to a mere feeling of mild affection, or even lust. How ever did this world get turned upside down? What am I, a commoner, a normal human being going to rely on now that society is in shambles?

I do not even dare to think about that.







Today's Hari Raya Haji...a public holiday. But really it makes no difference to me. Everyday's a holiday right now. At least in the simplest, most obvious of ways. By the word "holiday", many would conjure up images of bliss and happiness. Definitely not what I'm feeling right now. Although I'm fairly stable now in terms of my emotions, I still feel a deep sense of loss and an overwhelming feeling of grief. A part of me died, together with the friendship which I ended the monday before. Like most deaths, this one is most painful and yes, although I would truly hate to admit it, I'll never forget this.

I've been trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter, that I can be indifferent and to forget him. Who am I trying to kid? It's not going to happen. The things that happened during the course of this turbulent relationship caused my perception of many things to change. One of them being that things might not work out the way you would like them to. For instance, I've always had this perfect picture of my dream guy in my mind, and I never expected someone quite the total opposite of whom I would like to date to come into my life; neither did I expect myself to fall so deeply for someone like him. But the bottomline is that it happened. And I'll take it as my biggest learning experience, and mistake.

Expect the unexpected.

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