A fork in the road

Finally went to church again last Saturday after a prolonged period of inactivity in the area of religion. However, instead of attending Chosen Generation at SAC, I opted for the youth service at PLMC. Thank God for the time of worship and fellowship which really helped to put me back into perspective again. I thoroughly enjoyed the service and for the first time in a while, I actually felt that the sermon was relevant to me.

You can be sure that this would be the service which I would be attending from now on. Herein lies a huge dilemma - what am I to do in terms of church membership? For as long as I can remember, I've been an Anglican who worships at St Andrew's Cathedral. To ask me now to uproot myself and to transfer to Paya Lebar Methodist Church would certainly be a gargantuan step for me to take.

No matter, I'm leaving this to God, and I would see where He wants me to worship from here on.

Right, went to school for a grand total of 1.5 hours for Social Psychology class. A waste of time, really, if you were to ask me. I would much rather spend my time completing my BGS readings at home. Ah well, the only reason as to why I'm dutifully attending every lesson would be because I do not want to waste my parent's money. Pramatism has once again triumphed over sentimentality.

Work has been pouring in, and I'm about to suffer from a nervous breakdown. How so you say? Well, picture this: I've been so emotional that the slightest thing sees me dissolving into tears. Things are that bad.

Well, I've to press on regardless and I need to remember that with God here, there's nothing to fear.







Creative thinking??

Haven't been updating my blog thanks to the fact that work is starting to pour in and I'm barely surviving in the sea of assignments, readings, deadlines and project meetings. It's a wonder how I manage to drag my weary self to school everyday. Thank God for the strength and the wisdom I need to sustain myself during this particularly nasty term.

Went for CT make up lesson this morning and well, think it went ok despite the fact that I was suffering from extreme boredom. Ironic isn't it? The schools in Singapore actually have to teach us how to think creatively. Did you know that there are methods as to how to exercise creativity? Wow. I never knew that. *Rolls eyes*

On a lighter note, I thank God for a nice Prof as well as excellent team mates for this particular module. They are people whom I can really connect with and working with them will be such a blast!

Heyhey, time for me to take a shower and off I go again - having a belated birthday meal with my famnily as my dad just came back from Shanghai a couple of days ago.

And Jan, please call me anytime should you need someone to talk to.







Bad bad weather...*coughs*

Am down with a sore throat. Guess I must have eaten something unclean during patron's day yesterday. Argh...I really detest the idea of falling ill. This would mean feeling like crap and having to skip trainings, which have become a staple in my life. I can only pray in earnest that my body would not give up on me at this juncture; not when the under 20s are really really close by.

Patron's day yesterday was rather enjoyable on a whole. Had one MOO burger, and 2 servings of german sausages with mashed potatoes. Upon returning home, I consumed another 2 slices of coffee cake - my birthday cake. Feel like a pig now. Have been snacking on CNY goodies too. This is not good. Time to stop eating like there's no tomorrow. I would kill for a higher metabolic rate right now.

Dawn, Cheryl and Charlene came down looking for me yesterday, and I thank God for the opportunity to finally spend some time with them. They got a glimpse of jerk number 2 and well, guess some things cannot be denied - he's a looker. Pity a soul doesn't come together with the nice packaging.

Enough of bitching. Time to get down to reading up for tomorrow's classes.









Happy birthday to me

Alrighty, I'm 20 and officially old. Gotta run, so here's presenting my new blogskin. Hope you girls like it.







Hope Shanghai's not too cold...

Visited the airport today. Sending my dad off - he's gone to Shanghai on a business trip. It was unreal. Cried when he left. I have no idea as to why I'm feeling so darn emotional these days. The littlest thing can cause me to dissolve into a pool of tears. It's pathetic, really. However, I've a confession to make - I'll miss my dad. Hope the days would pass quickly and he'll be back soon.

Right. Went shopping after sending daddy off, and boy did I splurge. Spent close to $100 on Gucci perfume at the airport, $25 on some keychains - also at the airport. Headed down to Suntec with mummy and sis later on and shopped somemore. Let's see, I spent $29.90 on a Fila duffel bag, $17 on a shoe bag of the same brand, and yet another $26.90 on a key pouch - Fila too. They really ought to hire me as their spokesperson. Think I must be mad to spend so much.

This is not the end, ladies. Went to town with daddy yesterday and bought a whole lot of things too. Got myself a bright orange luggage, 2 skirts from Future State, a top from Forever Orange, one pair of pumps from Mondo, and I got my brows plucked at Hollywood secrets as well. Have been shopping way too much. Time to rest my sore legs and deflated wallet.

Really enjoyed spending time with my daddy. Thank God for that. Just received an SMS from him; thank God for watching over him, and for granting him journey's mercies. Am crying again. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. Miss my daddy so much.

Sorry girls, I'll have to stop here. I'm breaking down all over again.







Happy birthday to me...

Went out with the fencers last night for an early birthday celebratory dinner. Ate at this cosy little place called Curry Favour which I loved. Thank God for the place and the fellowship I had with this group of people whom I've grown close to over the course of these past few months. Thank God for giving me something to be passionate about. Thank God for seeing me through the emotional trials which I have been subjected to these few months.

Upon finishing dinner, the fencers bought Viv and I a cake from BreadTalk. Thank God once more that Sophie was considerate enough to purchase a strawberry cake instead of a chocolate one - I'm not a fan of the thick, gooey brown, fattening stuff which is supposedly better than sex.

Oh well, the best bit has yet to come. Upon leaving Curry favour, we proceeded to the waterfront near Esplanade and we indulged in Baileys and Bacardi. For me, I was feeling upset over his constant flirting with others and so, I drank way too much. 4 servings of Bacardi is indeed a bit too much, considering the fact that it contains 44% alcohol. Think I'm mad.

Was tipsy after all the drinks I had, and I actually SMSed him telling him that I missed him and that he's hot. Talk about doing something mortifying. Note to self: never drink just because you're upset. Second reminder: do not down alcohol as if it was plain water. Alcohol messes with your senses, leading you into doing stupid things which you would leave to regret.

I'm swearing off alcohol and clubbing for the time being. By the way, in case I forget, here's wishing me a very happy 20th birthday.








Some people are just foolish idiots...

Had training this morning, and I found out for myself as to how sickeningly insensitive he can be. In a way, I expect jerks such as himself to exist but I never imagined myself ever developing feelings for the likes of him. To put it simply, when you know fully well that the certain girl whom you once dated still harbours feelings for you, you do not declare openly that you miss spending time with this other girl who is also a fencer. At least, I don't think normal, average guys would actually do that. Not only does this prove to me that he doesn't care about me - he probably never did - it also reveals to me as to how flawed his character is. Everytime I see him, there is a new bad trait which I can add to my already rather substantial repertoire.

On top of that, after novices on Sunday, when we were all having dinner together, he first made a fuss about sitting next to me, later went on to call his girlfriend - he was loud enough for me to hear him even though we were sitting at opposite ends of a huge round table at a bustling kopitiam. I don't mean to bitch, I don't mean to bombard my bored pals with "regaling" tales such as this, but I have to get this off my heaving chest before I explode.

For me, should I find myself in a similar situation, I feel that tge best way to handle it would be to be gentle with the other party's heart. To actually participate in such behaviour only goes to show how ungracious and narrow-minded one is. Sadly, I can forsee that he isn't the first guy to behave this way, and he will not be the last. Right, enough of him.

Will be leaving soon - meeting fellow fencers for a pre-birthday post-novices celebration dinner. My birthday's on Monday if you girls have forgotten :). Righty, time to go doll myself up and try to make sure that the jerk sees what he's missing.

"Well fuck him. And you know I never say that." - Carrie Bradshaw







I'm not a girl, not yet a woman

Yes, I know this may make it look like a pre-pubescent teenager, but I really like this track by Britney Spears. Note to readers: I enjoy listening to her songs, but this does not indicate that I support whatever weird lifestyle she has chosen for herself. Moreover, I have reached a crossroad in my life whereby I'm supposed to act like a mature adult when officially, I am not one yet. Sounds confusing? Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

Recieved the final ranking for the fencing novices 2005 today. 14th out of 27 female participants. Disappointed with my results. Though not dismal, it's by no means fantastic either. It's alright, I'm going to press on and try mybest in the upcoming under 20s. Thank God for bringing me thus far, and I believe that as long as I walk with Him, everything will turn out okay.

Was conversing with Ron last night while sending him home, and I inadvertently blurted out the fact that I'm still not over a certain someone. Given the fact that the 2 guys are good friends, I wonder if he'll rat on me. I hope not, for it was never my intention to inflate his ego any further than I have already. Come to think of it, although it has been said that women are vindictive creatures, I am in favour of the notion that men are not any better either.

Thinking back, I've realised that men can be every bit as bitchy as women. Whatever devious deeds women are capable of doing, men can perform them even better. Hence, the myth that women are the only bitchy ones on this planet has been dispelled.

Sheesh, and men complain that they cannot understand women.







As the dreaded day approaches...

Slighty less than a week to go before I turn 20, and let me reiterate the fact that no, I ain't happy about that. The thought of me finally becoming an adult terrifies me; there's so much more responsibilities which comes with blossoming into a real woman. While some may point out that you will gain a greater degree of freedom, I still maintain that it is always better to remain a child for as long as one can. I for one, have never relished the idea of growing up as much as my peers do.

No school today, but as always, there's tonnes of work to complete - I am lagging behind on my research as well as readings. Note to self: please complete journal for Prof Chung's Sociology class tomorrow. He's one Prof whom I really admire and I am going to work my ass off this term for a good grade in his class. Besides, my dismal GPA could do with a little perk-me-up.

Read Janise's blog and was amused by the chain of unfortunate events which rained down on her within the span of 1 day. It brings to mind once more Murphy's law. Isn't it odd how everything bad seems to happne all together? It's as if bad luck or whatever you call it can sniff you out when you're having a bad day and it would then happily try to add to your distress. Strange really, how this world operates.

The world may seem crazy at times, but perhaps the reverse is also true. It's not the world that's insane - it's us. Think about it.







My life's kinda boring...

Had only one lesson today - Social Psychology. I would like to comment, first and foremost, that although SMU encourages students to speak up during seminars and to play a proactive role in the learning process, I'm sure this does not include throwing in your own opinions which are totally irrelevant to the subject being studied. By doing this, these idiots are not only effectively wasting the time of other more discerning beings, they are also hampering the progress of the seminar.

What frustrated me further would be that the Prof did nothing to halt those blabbering idiots who were seriously getting on my nerves. Let's hope the next few lessons would go more smoothly than the last 5 have been. *crosses fingers*

Was reading the newspapers when I came across an article regarding the courtroom etiquette of young lawyers, and frankly, I was rather taken aback and disgusted by the antics which these young guns get up to. How in the world can you manage to absent yourself from court without a valid reason? Call me judgmental, but I feel that being professionals, these so-called superior beings are still severely deficient of required common courtesy. Being late but not apologetic is certainly unaccpetable, even on a daily basis. NUS is so wonderfully efficient in selecting these "elites" from the hundreds who apply for a place in the coveted faculty.

Enough of this, now it's time to get back to work.







My first fencing Novices

Had novices today at the Clementi sports hall. First and foremost, I would like to thank God for seeing me through. Thank God for all my victories as well as defeats - through them I learn to be a better competitor with regards to fencing. I was remarkably calm mostly and all praise be to God for this.

Round robin was not spectacular. I won 2 bouts and lost the other 2. Felt that I could have performed better. But oh well...

Victories

Serene Vs Claire 3:2
Serene Vs Yvonne 5:1

Losses

Serene Vs Geraldine 3:4
Serene Vs Nora (I think) 3:5

Was seeded 12th out of a total of 27 fencers; am mildly disappointed but hey, it's a good learning experience. Fenced my first DE bout against Claire (again!) and won 10:9. Didn't feel good having to knock my teammate out but that's life for you.

Proceeded to the top 16 where I was taken out by Shan Shan. That match killed me emotionally - I broke down publicly after that. I knew that I had the ability to beat her but yet, I allowed my emotions to get the better of me once again. Final score? An embarrassing 9:15.

Alright, this has been an eventful day, and I'm beat. Still, I know that my job's not done yet. The national under-20s will be in 2 weeks' time, and I cannot wait for this chance to pit myself against fellow fencers once more. Thank God for this golden opportunity; I will make full use of it.

Essentially, I got further than I expected today not by my own strength but by God's blessings and mercies. For the first time in eons, I realise the importance of entrusting everything that I undertake into His loving hands. This is only the start - from now on, I will gladly let God be the guiding light in my life. Thank God for everything.







Completely snowed in...

Alright. Haven't been updating my blog. I truly apologize - have been really busy with work and training. Most days, I get home at around midnight, which leaves me with barely enough time to complete my work and readings. That said, I would have to admit that yes, although this is only the second week of school, I find myself lagging behind already. *Argh*

Thank God for the past 2 weeks. They haven't been the greatest, but then again, things could have been much worse. Thank God for giving me the strength to pick myself up again emotionally. Truly, I know fully well that the healing process has begun, and if I do not resist His efforts, I would be fine before no time.

Thank God too for bringing me to the fencing novices to be held this Sunday. I haven't been remotely spectacular in my fencing despite putting in plenty of effort, but I would nevertheless like to commit this whole event into His hands. May the results be glorifying in His name. Speaking of fencing, I'm taking a brief respite ie: no fencing this week. I need this break to catch up on my work and sleep. So hopefully everything will turn out fine this Sunday.

Oh yes, had democracy class yesterday and didn't realise that Reuben - Cheryl's brother was in the same class. Whoa! What a small world. I found him familiar but couldn't be sure. Yep, guess that's it from me for now. I need to get my readings done before BGS quiz later.

I can't believe that I'm sinking in work already. Good grief.







Ushering in the 2nd week of school...

Am beginning the second week of my new school term with a Social Psychology seminar later on in the afternoon. This would be followed by fencing training in the evening. I can hardly wait - would be getting my new blade today! *cheers* Thank God for this gift and praise Him for having gracious parents who are more than willing to allow their daughter to spend ridiculous amounts of time and money on a sport they deem as being too violent for her own good. It's amusing how my parents would fuss over the bruises which I get during training, and even more so when I begin to count the number of injuries I sustain while fencing.

This is not merely the second week of school - this is also the week which novices would be held. Even though I know fully well that I possess neither the skills nor speed of many other fencers, I'm comforted and encouraged by the fact that I've God on my side. As I like to remind myself: "When God is here, there's nothing to fear!" May the results of this novices be glorifying to His holy name. Although I've yet to compete, I would hereby like to lift all victories to Him as a form of sacrifice and worship. I am going to do my best and leave the rest to God.

My sister went for CHC's service yesterday, and she returned with a vastly encouraging message for me from God - seek God first, commit myself to church and my life to Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour and everything will fall into place. It might not be easy, but I can be assured that once I accomplish that, God will take full control of my life and things will not fall into ruin the way they are going currently in my life. Thank God for this message in my time of need.

For that matter, my results for this term would also serve to be a form of sacrifice to God. I've always believed that the academic progress I've accomplished comes not just as a result of my efforts but largely from God's blessings as well. I would not be standing here today - a university undergrad had it not been for God's guidance and mercies. Thank God for His love and His divine interference in my life.

Essentially, I feel that the time has come for me to fully seek and serve God. Thank God once again for finding me when I'm lost. Praise the Lord.








Sweat and tears

Went down to Clementi Sports Hall today together with 7 other fencers to recce the place - novices will be held there - and also to play badminton for a couple of hours. For the record, I'm a tennis player and as such, badminton is certainly not the sport for me. To the unintiated, badminton and tennis are 2 similar sports, but that's not the case. The techniques employed are totally different and so, I played badminton today with the grace of some clumsy ogre with little psycho-motor skills.

By the end of the 2 hours, I was bathed in my perspiration and I was ready to just drop dead in the middle of the sports hall. Talk about exhibiting some semblence of elegance. What comforted me was the fact that everyone else was in the same state as I was.

However, I would have to admit that I did have fun with my fellow fencers, and I thank God for the opportunity to bond with them over lunch later on as well. Thank God for an excellent president in Sophie. She's someone who has so much charisma that she's simply irresistible.

So much for the "sweat" part. Now I shall proceed to the "tears" portion of the day. Having finished our games of badminton, we went off for lunch at a nearby Japanese eatery. The food was affordable but not fantastic - as expected. During the meal, he whipped out his mobile phone to arrange a meeting time with his girlfriend; of course, the prospect of him meeting her saddened me but being in public with others around, I had to remain stoic and not betray any hint of my emotions. It was difficult, more so when others started to ask him about his girlfriend.

Of course, I know my place, and so, I really possess no right to be upset. He was never mine to lose in the first place. To my credit, I felt that I handled the situation rather well, even managing to laugh and joke with the others during the course of our meal. Thank God for giving me strength; thank God too for replacing my anxieties and sadness with a calm which I haven't felt in a long time now.

In all, I suppose I've had a great day so far, with the exception of the tinge of jealousy I felt when I heard his conversation with his girl. Oh well, this is life: you can't have your cake and eat it.








5 down, one more to go...

So far, I've had BGS, AS, Democracy, Social Psychology as well as Sociology this week. This leaves me with CT tomorrow and I'm most eager to know how the course would be like. As of now, I'm pretty satisfied with the way my classes are going, but it's still too early to predict if this opinion will remain unchanged throughout this term.

AS was pretty interesting, though I do feel that essentially those with higher IQs will score better in the exams. I had a ball of a time trying to complete my first AS assignment and will commence on my group project pretty soon. Guess I'm going to start becoming real busy real soon. *Sighs*

On another note, I had my first BGS lesson today, and may I say that it was indeed a rather interesting experience. My prof turned out to be a pretty attractive male who set us rather strict house rules. They include the banning of food during class (argh!) as well as the fact that toilet breaks can only be taken during, er, break times. I sympathise with those who have pea-sized bladders.

Today also marks the 4th time this week that I'll be fencing. While some of you may gasp and call me crazy, I'm actually enjoying training. To me, it's not just a sport - it's an activity which I am really fond of. Just to show how committed I am, I've decided to invest a further 300 plus dollars on a superior blade. I feel that in the long run, this is an excellent investment. Ah, I'm in an ok mood for the first time in weeks.

First week of school, and all is well....for now. Thank God for that.







Talked to my sister just now, and it's good to finally get everything off my chest. For some time now, I've been wallowing in self-pity, and it is affecting my ability to perform to the best of my abilities. Having sorted out my feelings, it's time for me to move on - I've been stuck at a cross road in my life for far too long now.

Here's the lyrics to a song by HillSongs which touched me deeply.

Title: Still
Artist: Australia Hillsongs

Lyrics: Still
Words and Music by Reuben Morgan

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are god

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust







First day of school and Social Psychology

Today marks the first day of the new school term, and I had but one lesson today. Attended my first Social Psychology class and may I say that my Prof for this particular course seems like a pretty nice lady to me. I'm hoping that I would have a good term under her guidance. That aside, what made this whole experience even more interesting would be the fact that both Ron and Junyuan - my fencing seniors - are in the same class as I am.

That indicates that (or so I hope) that class would never be boring for me. Hell, just seeing them waltz into class late caused mirth to bubble up within me - and it's difficult to smile these days where I'm concerned given my recent heartbreak. I'm beginning to feel that school might not be as bad as I had imagined afterall.

Thank God for this fresh new beginning, and praise be to Him for granting me with excellent course mates once more. I know fully well that being a people person, the students whom I stuy with would impact me greatly. Hence, being gifted with friends whom I enjoy being around does make a difference. Thank God.

Thank God too for the rest He has granted me. I'm feeling energetic and ready to go. May the new school year be enriching and exciting. I can hardly wait to embark on the rest of my courses.







Ushering in the new me...

Second day of the new year. One day closer to my 20th (argh!) birthday. *Takes a deep breath*. Somehow, the prospect of me leaving my teenhood behind terrifies me. I'm officially old. Being 20, I'll be in limbo - I'm neither a teenager anymore, nor am I an adult. Guess there's going to be an identity crisis of sorts as far as I'm concerned. My metabolic rate is going to start dropping, my biological clock will begin to tick - really loudly, I'm going out into the workforce soon. What's not to like about becoming an adult? It's going to be full of fun and laughter I'm sure.

With this transition, I feel that it's time to leave a part of me behind. No longer am I going to hang on and wait for him. I'm better than that. I'm fully capable of more. Why should I subject myself to his odd, hurtful behaviour? Yes, from this year on, I resolve to be emotionally more independent and I'm going to accomplish that. No more tears are going to be wasted on a wastrel who can go fly his bloody kite
for all I care. Goodbye to the gullible Serene.

Say hello to a brand new me.







The new year brings with it new hope...or does it?

2005 was heralded in without the usual fanfare. Instead, it was marked by an unsually sombre mood. As the death toll for the tsunami disaster continues to rise, the region despairs, with many families ushering in the new year with the death of a loved one. Even as we - people who are seemingly unaffected - enjoy ourselves, let us not forget those around us who are grieving. Slip in a prayer or 2 for our brethrens who are in turmoil.

For those who are currently going through a rough patch in their lives, here's a little something to remind you that we are never alone:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2

As I follow the news these past few days, I'm constantly reminded of how fortunate I really am. Although I'm frequently seen lamenting about the state of my life, I have to admit that I'm already many many times more blessed than the people around me. Thank God for placing me where I am. Praise be to Him for His goodness and mercies. Without Him, I wouldn't be half the young woman I am today. Praise the Lord.

While watching television this evening, I came across a channel screening SHE's new music video, the title of which I know not. What I do know is that the MTV was immensely touching, and yes, it did bring me to the brink of tears. While most music videos can be deemed as being trashy, this particular one featured a story of 2 young lovers who were separated during the Chinese revolution, only reuniting some 40 years later.

This may seem like just another sappy love story, but what touched me was the fact that the hero waited 40 years for his heroine to reappear in his life. In this time and age, faithful men like him are endangered, if not extinct. Meanwhile, the young lady got married, and is a happy grandmother. Despite the odds, she eventually gave up her family and the life she has built to be with him.

Unrealistic, but undoubtedly heart-wrenching. Does a love so strong actually exist? Is there a possibility that somewhere out there, there's a man so devoted to me that he would put his life on hold just for me? Even as I struggle to recover from my failed relationship, I still hold on to the hope that all's not lost. Someday, in God's time, He would provide me with someone who would love me the way I deserve to be loved. I've discovered that in a relationship, it's not totally a matter of who loves whom more; rather, the issue here would be compromise. It takes 2 hands to clap, 2 to tango. In the same way, when a relationship fails, there is no right or wrong party. Both have to share the blame equally.

Like my sister said when she watched the MTV :"he made the choice to wait for her; she shouldn't have to give up everything to be with him just because of obligation". We're all entitled to make our own decisions, and as such, there's no one to blame but ourselves when things do not turn out the way we would like them to. It's time I started to shoulder some of the blame and to move on as soon as possible.

In life, there's never a clear answer; it is our perceptions which make the difference. Happy 2005 and may the new year bring you many more blessings.

The rants, the raves, the lady herself


22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
A fresh SMU graduate on a job-hunt
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