Window to the past

What has happened has happened. The past cannot be altered. I am who I am because of the things that I have gone through.

This week has been a most emotional one for me. New friendships formed, old relationships laid to rest; everything seems like a blur to me.

Through fate's marvelous hands, I am now enriched with yet another confidante. A true friend. A true brother.

Through the support of my God-given friends, I have finally put the past behind me.

Now, as I trudge on towards the future, I would look back on this phase of my life with loving eyes. No more bitterness, no more fear, no more sadness.

Instead, these memories would hold nothing but joy and sweetness. This is the way I want it to be. This is the way it ought to be.

Really, it was beautiful while it lasted. And it always will be.







Wealth

Yesterday was a real eye-opener for me. After catching 4 Brothers - which was surprisingly good, V took me on an hour long drive in his gorgeous Saab and we just chatted.

I realised then that a life of being obscenely wealthy materially is not a life I wish to have. Yes, granted, I want to lead a comfortable life (who doesn't?) but I am beginning to recognise that there is more to life than making money, and making more money.

Money can buy you the fastest car, the biggest house, but it can also bring you more unhappiness than you think. Recalling what V told me about the extravagant lifestyles of the rich and famous in Singapore, I find myself turning cold inside. Never do I want to be surrounded by all the luxuries money can buy only to feel like the loneliest being on earth.

I thank the good Lord for blessing me with this chance to re-evaluate my beliefs.

What good is wealth if you find no contentment in it?







Moving on

As I pen my finishing thoughts to this turbulent chapter of my life, I hear yet another calling me, beckoning me, daring me to take that step and to embrace what lies ahead.

I have seen it all. Felt it all. I am finally done.

There is nothing left to hold on to. Nothing worth looking back for.

What the future holds, I know not, and neither do I care. In faith, I know that where God guides, He provides.

So turn back no longer Serene, linger no more. There is nothing left for you here.







Friendships

Went to school today all battered and bruised - you should see what my right hand looks like now. I must have looked like some badly abused girlfriend to the many MRT commuters who were shooting me curious, even pitying looks. Rather amusing I must say.

I went down to school earlier, hoping to secure a copy of my readings for Theory and Analysis this week, but to no avail. Left with too much time on my hands, I headed for the library and tottered precariously up the ridiculously steep steps to the second level where there are terminals for students' use. Really, the school architect did not factor in the possibility of girls wearing killer heels to school. Not well done of them at all.

Met my sister and my brudder on my way to the SOB for lessons after 20 minutes of aimless mail-checking repeatedly, and I eagerly showed off my bruises to a shocked brudder, who, under some misguidance from my sister, thought that I was a victim of abuse. His immediate indignance did not amuse me.

It touched me deeply.

Now I realise and believe once more that there are people who care about me, who will shield me from any imminent harm. For that, I am grateful. Grateful to brudder Ryan for his friendship. Grateful to God for blessing me with amazing people like brudder.

In class, David too was dumb-struck to see my injury-littered body, even asserting that he would never let his girlfriend be treated this way after fussing over the bruises and scrapes I received from yesterday's training. For the second time within a span of 30 minutes, I felt loved by those around me. The feeling is absolutely uplifting, after having been subject to the equivalent of emotional hell for the past few weeks.

Brudder's words and deeds, not to mention David's concern, brought that wave of much-needed respite from the pain I have been subjecting myself to. There is so much more to live for, and I will no longer hold myself as a prisoner of my past.

Having fully digested Brudder's advice from yesterday's long talk with him, I am now ready to take that first baby step towards recovery.







My Sunday

Was supposed to stay at home to study but didn't feel like it, so I went fencing instead. It was a rather stupid decision to make, given that I've no jacket nor plastron (they're in the wash). Nevertheless I got my dad to drive me there.

Fenced 5 bouts with various people, and my bout with Hukara earned me an injury at the elbow which bled. Watching my blood flow seemed to relieve me of some of the angst which has been building up inside. Sadistic, it may be, but I felt better.

Asked Claire about the club's birthday present to me but have yet to receive a reply. Shall enquire about it when I next see her. Anyhow I've already ordered new shoes from Coach.

Beautiful new fencing shoes. I cannot wait to put them on.

He gave me a lift home today, and the awkward silence was overwhelming. Trying to make conversation valiantly when you don't know what to say was such an arduous task. I tried everything, but in the end, it takes 2 to clap. The silence was proof of how we have failed to even remain as friends like we said we would. I no longer want to do anything. I am just so tired.

The defeat I felt caused a mini meltdown upon reaching home. Someone ought to be home. But noone was. I vaugely remember throwing down my bag and blade, then curling into a ball in one corner of the empty house and just sobbing.

I am only human. Just because I appear "steady" and strong, as my mum puts it, does not mean that I am incapable of grieving. I would usually brush it aside and plaster a smile on my face but not today. Today I gave in to my emotions and just let the tears flow.

Only God can fix my brokenness. Only He is capable of healing the wounds which have been inflicted on my already fragile heart.

I am no longer in control. Neither do I want to be.







22 years and counting

Today marks the 22nd year that my folks have been married. 22 years ago, they stood before their loved ones and spoke vows which would bind them together for life.

"For better or for worse. Till death do us part." How beautifully poignant.

It is amazing how love conceals the flaws in your partner and makes them all the more lovely in your eyes. It is amazing how the love between two people can still be so evident after 22 long years.

This is nothing short of a miracle presented by God.

Here's to 22 magical years, and the many more that would follow.







Wishing and hoping

Am supposed to be partying away and getting drunk at ChinaBlack this evening but decided against it. Drinking can only take my problems away momentarily, and the disgust I feel towards myself after a wild night of partying is a high price to pay for that few hours' of gyrating on a crowded dance floor.

It seems that everywhere I look, I see happy people. Correction, make that lovey dovey couples. Although this has never bothered me before, it is beginning to. It has been a long time since I have felt this alone.

I have been single my whole life and have always been comfortable with my marital status. Till recently, that is. Seeing my sister developing a budding friendship with the young man she is enamoured with has not lessened this awful feeling.

I wish I could cry. Letting my tears flow has always been therapeutic but now, I find myself strangely stoic. I wish I could just let loose all inhibitions and wail, but I find mysef being unable to do that.

Friends have told me to take singlehood as a blessing, and I agree that it does come with its own set of advantages, but I guess I've had enough of it. I long for someone to hold me, for someone to talk to me even when it's 4 in the morning.

This weird feeling of helplessness started when my pet passed away early one morning in June. When my mum delivered the news at 6 in the morning, I remember just standing there, not knowing what to do. A part of me was screaming out for help, but I knew I had to remain calm. The tears did not come until hours later.

I was desperate to call someone, but there was noone I could get at that ungodly hour. I needed to be held, but there was noone there.

Just for once, it would be a blessing to be able to have a strong pair of shoulders to cry on. For once, it would be nice to be able to stroll down the street hand-in-hand with that special someone, oblivious to the world around us.

As my parents celebrate 22 loving years of marriage tomorrow, I am full of hope that sometime soon, my happiness will find me.







Because I'm a Girl

Watched an MTV by Korean girl group KISS and it was oh-so-moving even though it seems fantastical.

An innocent girl, armed with nothing but love, falls for a photographer after a chance meeting. It's like a love at first sight scenario. Their paths cross once again when he patronises the salon where she works as a shampoo girl.

Fumbling, she awkwardly tries to shampoo his hair, with disastrous results. Blushing profusely, she apologizes. The next scene cuts to her, having dirtied her clothes, needing to change into something clean at his place.

Glancing about her, she spots 2 snapshots - one of her, the other of him. She cuts off a part of the snapshop with her pouting and attaches it onto the picture with him looking pensive.

Now the picture looks like one with her kissing him gently on his cheek. Smiling, she pins it onto his noticeboard, then prances into the darkroom.

By a tragic twist of fate, she upsets a bottle of potent industrial-strength solution and is subsequently rushed to the emergency room, having injured her eyes. We see him sitting outside the ER, deep in thought.

Next we know, he's destroying the picture put together by her, and he also sells his beloved bike.

Following this we see doctors removing bandages from her eyes and they flicker open to see happy faces greeting her with cake and sparklers. She goes back to her own life, thinking about him periodically.

One day, she strolls to a place they once visited and lo and behold, there he sits, with his dog. she realises that he is blind. With a rush of eomtion, she finally puts 2 and 2 together to find out that he has donated his corneas to her. Tears running down her cheeks, she moves forward, though neither party speaks.

With a sigh, he picks up his walking stick and leaves, apologizing softly when he bumps into her. She makes no move to stop him.

The End.







Dreams

I spied you amongst the many others in the crowd. You saw me. You smiled. I held my breath as you navigated your way through the rushing throng of people to get to me. I exhaled in a rush of relief and thanked God silently when you finally got to be by my side.

Then, everything fell into place and I felt alright again. To have your loving arms around me takes away the trials of the day which I had to endure. To look into those soulful eyes of yours draws me into another world where only the 2 of us exist. To feel your lips touch mine melts away all inhibitions I might have had prior to meeting you.

Hand in hand, we stroll past all the harrassed people, past all the obstacles which threaten to separate us. In this manner, we would walk until the night fades away and it's time for me to wake up and face another day.

Wiping away tears which had already dampened my pillow, I force my weary eyes open. Dreams can sometimes draw you into a haze of happiness till the time you wake. But I would not have it any different.

If I could have it my way, I would fly back into your arms. If you would only say the words, I know I would succumb. If only we had met under a different set of circumstances. If only.

"But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you"

- James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"







Such is life

Time is not a good measure of how well you know a person.

How true. You can be in a relationship for years and years, but still feel like a stranger is the one kissing you goodnight. This is of course nobody's fault. People change, and at different phases of their lives, they would need different people.

You see it all the time. Couples get together, fall madly in love, then the magic fades, and you find that the person you love is no longer there. Time is never an accurate indicator of the strength of any relationship. It means nothing that you have been in a relationship for 5 years or 5 days. For the record, my parents only dated for 3 short months before deciding to get engaged.

Come this Saturday, they would be celebrating their 22nd year as husband and wife.

It is distressing to see or read about couples who tie the knot because of a sense of familiarity - "I've been dating this person for so long, so it's a natural progression". I do wonder if people who plunge into marriage because they simply cannot contemplate the repurcussions of breaking up can be happy after they are married.

If the love is no longer there, and the couple isn't moving in the same direction anymore, then how can a marriage operate normally?

When couples come to a crossroad in their relationship, there are 2 routes to take: one would be to ignore all the cracks in the relationship and to trudge on. Another would be to do an honest evaluation and decide if there is still a real possibility that the couple would have a future together. My applause goes out to those who are able to rationally decide to part ways amicably when both parties realise that things are headed nowhere.

To me, that is bravery. To me, this is what love is about. It's never about possession. It's never about taking the easiest way out. Learning to let go, learning to love again, is undoubtedly tough, but it would be even more tragic to let an already long-dead relationship drag on. It is neither fair to the person allowing this travesty to carry on nor to that other being praying for his/her soulmate to come along.

To step out of one's comfort zone may be hard, but it is pure stupidity to allow oneself to be stuck in a rut, just because one is too scared to do what ought to be done.







Overindulgence

I had SO MUCH mooncake today. The excess sugar is making its way to my thighs, stomach, butt, arms, even as I speak. How depressing.

Then again, it was my darn choice to consume so much of it so I can't complain can I?

It's ok, the battle with the bulge(s) begins tomorrow. This time I'm so dead serious. No more snacks, desserts, oily foods, and the like. I am so going to drop those kilos I've piled on since holidays started.

On the whole though, the company was fantastic. Went to HW's place together with some other fencers for a get-together and may I say that I had a really awesome time not doing anything at all. The mooncakes were good, the moon was beautiful, and the people were so fun to be with.

JY sent the lot of us home later - he's so darn nice isn't he? - and I got a chance to finally talk to my folks. Although it was painful to hear what they had to say, I am still grateful to have that time with them. Praise God for that.

Every experience strengthens you in a different manner. And while this particular one has left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth, I know for sure that I am now a stronger person.

The worst is over now, and I can finally breathe again.







Full Moon

Tomorrow marks the 15th day of the 8th month on the lunar calendar - otherwise known as the mid-autumn festival. To me, the whole notion of enjoying delectable bites of a chinese food we affectionately call "yue bing" or "moon cake" while moon-gazing is terribly romantic. Sitting under a beautiful full-moon wrapped in the arms of a lover - utterly lovely. The only catch would be that I am single. Oh well, I can still eat my mooncake. Lots of it.

In fact, I goobled down so much of the sinfully fattening dessert that I felt this urge to hop on my treadmill and try to burn off some of the fats I had consumed. So that was what I did. 35 minutes of pounding away on a synthetic rubber track left me totally exhausted, but at least I do not feel so guilty anymore. Or maybe I should. It's hard to be a girl I tell you. We have to look nice and act perfect 90% of the time, and don't argue, we all tend to do that. It's part and parcel of being a female.

"You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to"

So goes the lyrics to "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch. Was listening to it today (don't ask me why) and these words kind of captured my attention for a while. I had a thought upon finishing the song : does it hurt a female more when a relationship fails?

Think about it, often, we hear sob stories of how women attempt to hold on to a relationship desperately even though they know that it is not working out. There is this in-built mechanism which triggers this immense sense of insecurity everytime a female contemplates the notion of being alone once more when a relationship ends. Do males feel this way?

I do wonder from time to time.

Could this phenomenon arise from the age-old saying that the man has nothing to lose regardless of what happens to the love? When a man is an experienced bed-hopper, he is respected by others in his circle. A female equivalent will probably be termed a slut. Even in today's modern world, how many men are willing to settle for a wife who is not a virgin? Conversely, how many women actually expect to marry virgins?

If you look at it this way, once a woman consummates the relationship, she is considered as being sullied and so, is undesirable. Could this be why females find it harder to "let go" and "move on?" I really have no inkling.

Whatever it is, my heart is still open, and I am still hoping for that special one to make an appearance. This mid-autumn festival, one girl out there would be holding a little paper lantern, whilst making a heart-felt wish under the watchful eye of a perfect full-moon.







Jaded

I feel so tired. Have been finding it increasingly hard to get through the week in school.

Exhausted. Yes, that can be the word used to describe me. Fencing clinic seemed to drag on and on. Every minute felt absolutely torturous. I felt suffocated. I could not wait to get out of the gym. Just the prospect of having to help out again tomorrow feels me with dread.

Yet another day of facing him. Yet another day of him shooting me icy cold stares. Yet more of him giving me the cold shoulder. I have been trying my best to be normal. Why can't he play his part too? It irks me, but I am so sapped of my energy that I frankly could not give a damn.

"Why bother with someone who doesn't care?" is the advice I have been receiving from well-meaning friends. Yes, how right they are. I have never been a mellow or meek girl. You want to mess with me, you will have to pay the price in full. I promise you.

You want to avoid me? You want things to get from bad to worse? Fine. Have it your way. Two can play this little game.







Angel by Sarah MacLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here


Kinda sweet song...I don't usually go for such tunes but this struck a chord.







Lazy Hazy Day

Woke up at 9 this morning, which is really late for me. Well technically, I got out of bed at 9 today. Was awake since 7.49 am but felt too lazy to get up so I just cuddled my smelly old bolster and did a spot of thinking.

You know how it is when a myriad thoughts come flying into your head and you find yourself being unable to stop the whole thinking process? Yeah, that was what happened just a few hours ago. I could not bring myself to sit up and begin my day. And so begins my slack-and-do-nothing day.

Well, correction, I do have to pay a visit to school later to print my readings. other than that I'm pretty much a free agent - for today at least.

Was watching Sex and the City the other day, and I couldn't help but feel that life is meant to be screwed up. So Miranda has a lazy ovary (the right one has ceased to produce eggs) and her ex has only one testicle due to cancer. They bonk once and bam! They fall pregnant.

Charlotte meanwhile, has been trying for a child for 2 husbands. And when she finally gets her wish, she (surprise surprise!) promptly miscarries.

It's depressing how life makes it such that you never seem to get what you want while others obtain them so effortlessly. Isn't it so? How many times have you really really really prayed for something, only to see the friends around you getting it. Everyone is happy except you.

Sheesh. If this is applicable to everyone, then I wonder if anyone is happy. What a scary thought.







How come so blue?

I am not happy. I am unhappy with my fencing. I am unhappy with my love life. I am unhappy with school.

I cannot understand myself. Why is it that others seem to be able to move on gracefully whereas I am stuck in the rut?

I really ought to stop being a deluded idiot and get a life.

If only things would get better.







What makes me smile

I'm in this strange, strange mood. Think it could be PMS. Then again, maybe it's just me.

Thinking back on the conversation I shared with some fencers over a fantastic dinner (due to the company and not the food) last night, I realised that maybe it's time for me to tone down a little.

For too long, I've been trying to survive without the help of others. For many years now, I have stuck to the belief that noone will and can help me except myself. This has caused me to evolve into somebody I do not want to become. Somebody who's needlessly harsh. Somebody who's cold and detached. I may laugh, but am I really happy? You often see me with a smile on my face but could this all be a facade?

Essentially, very small things can make me happy. God giving me confirmations of His enduring love. A friend remembering to call me to ask about me. Drinks and chilling out with loved ones. Spending time at home with my parents - something I haven't done in ages. Him (although he's no longer a part of my life) SMS-ing me at the weirdest times just to remind me to drive safely. Very small gestures. But I do love receiving them.

It's amazing how the simplest things in the world can make you the most jubliant of souls in this world. It's also very sad how people often don't realise this fact.

I ought to think about my life, and how I can bring a smile to those around me. I guess I have to admit that I can no longer do this all by myself. It can be so devastatingly lonely.

And loneliness scares me.







Life's a big fat TV show

I must endeavour to lose some weight. I feel fat. I look fat. Urgh, this is really getting to me. For the record, I have never been skinny, and never will be. I have a figure which was all the rage during Marilyn Monroe's era - fleshy and curvy - and it sucks to find girls all around me looking slim and nice without much effort.

Alright, so I admit that I'm not the smallest eater in the world. For the record, I had a serving of the most disgustingly greasy chicken chop topped with fries and baked beans, follwed by a gigantic bowl of cheng tng. As if that wasn't enough, I snacked a bit upon returning home. Talk about a healthy appetite. Blah.

If I get any bigger, I won't be able to fit into my fencing outfit anymore. If I get any fatter, I would look gross.

That's it. This Mid Autumn Festival will see me trying my darndest to control myself and to eat in sensible quantities when mooncakes - snowskin ones - are presented before me.







I like dorks

Went to school slightly earlier today to purchase my case study for next week's TWC. Bought on Josh's beahlf too, so I'm effectively $10 poorer. Had such a terrible time trying to find the GSR I was supposed to go to. Must have looked like an idiot shuffling from one end of Biz block level 2 to the other.

Met Carol later on half an hour before class to make a copy of our readings for T&A but alas there were NO READINGS to be found. Some selfish fella had beaten us to them. Oh well.

Talked to her about certain issues, walked to 7-11 at Plaza by the Park and back to SESS again. Guess what? We ran into the mysterious being whom I'm rather enamoured of at the moment and I was glad for the chance to talk to him.

"That's the guy I'm into" I muttered not too discreetly once we were out of earshot.

"He's a nerd!" was her reply.

Hmm, somehow, I've also thought of him as having a studious look. Definitely not geeky or anything like that. Anyway, I find myself being very attracted to him for some reason, and I'm gald that the reason is not his looks. He may not be drop-dead gorgeous, but he really has such an endearing personality. *grin*

Fencing follwed later on in the evening and while the fencing itself was uneventful, the conversatonal topic started by Jared was. Let's just say that it had to do with sex. I would love to continue this debate with him tomorrow. Let's just hope he turns up for training.

Thinking back, this week has been kind to me. Thank God for that. I really needed the break in order to recharge after an extremely draining week emotionally. Now I'm really looking forward to school, church, fencing, and spending time with my family. Come to think of it, I cannot wait for training tomorrow. *smile*

Let's hope things remain this rosy.








My fencing team! 








Me and my babelicious fencing sistas! 








Fencing Pesta Sukan 2005! 








Ian, Elaine and I...Freshmen bash Rendezvous at Chinablack 








Elaine and I, at Rendezvous 







Reflections

I realise that Rendezvous was mispelt "Rendevous" in one of my previous posts. Not going to change that post. Sometimes mistakes are for the better.

I have been thinking about the past week. Tumultuous, painful, unforgettable. The tears have dried, and someday, the pain will fade. For now, an eerie numbness fills that little void in my life recently vacated by someone.

For the first time in my life, I have learnt to love somebody. For the first time in my life, I was able to express this thought. For the first time in my life, I was rejected.

With trepidation, I wrote those three little words on your palm. I stared at you, wondering. You did nothing. Merely smiled and said "ok". If only you knew how difficult it was for me to articulate those words. If only.

For the first time, I cried for you, for me, for us. Cried for what it could have been. Wept for what was never meant to be. Looking into your eyes, I see amusement. Do you know how much that hurt? No, of course you don't. You do not get it, you never did, and never will.

No, I am not angry. No, I do not blame you. What happened between us will always remain as happy memories. No doubt about that. To you, I might have been just the flavour of the month, but to me, you meant the world.

As I close this chapter of my life, one thing remains unchanged. About a year ago, I once told you that regardless of your decision, I want you to be happy. As long as I am able to see you smile, it would be enough. This thought still holds. Be happy always, that's all I ask. You have my full blessings.

Know that no matter what, I would always be cheering you on in all you do. Know that I am so proud of what you have accomplished in the sport you love and excel in. Know that I would always be your biggest fan.

Most importantly, know that I love you.







Eat, drink and make merry

Have been drinking for the past couple of days. This could be the reason behind my fatigue. It has been a good two days though.

Met Eunice at Wala Wala for drinks yesterday afternoon/evening and it was a most enchanting time. Nursing drinks, chilling, talking. Fantastic. It's funny how you do not realise just how much you have in common with a person until somehow, you are given this fine opportunity to have a nice long chat and there you discover that you have a friend waiting there all along.

Just spending a lazy afternoon talking about anything under the sun was so relaxing that I found myself unwilling to leave. We really ought to do this again in the near future.

Post Wala Wala, I went to the airport to see FL off. Was the latest to arrive amongst the fencers who were present but no matter. *shrugs* It was good being able to talk to Claire and to share with her my latest development on the romantic front. I am oh-so-excited over him and it was liberating to tell a girl pal about him.

Oh goodness, how I love spending time with the girls. Beats having a boyfriend around anytime.







Rendevous

Freshmen bash 2005 proved to be a more memorable experience than I had expected. The company was fantastic and I had such a blast.

Hung out with my sister's OG - 88 you guys rock! - and met many new friends. Friends are always good, no? In any case, it was refreshing to just throw caution to the wind and party on with my new friends.

Was amazingly thirsty and so, when the bar opened at 10 and the guys bought drinks, I gamely downed too much alcoholic beverage at one go. Not a wise move. Although I am no dainty lady when it comes to drinking, too much too fast is never a good thing.

I could barely walk straight for the next couple of hours, but the dancing was awesome. One of my best clubbing outings ever. Sensational. Thanks 88 for making the night so special!

Well, one of the night's highlights would be that I did meet someone to whom I was instantly attracted to. *grin* So what happens now? I know not. Let us just wait and see shall we?

Rendevous 2005. Simply sensational.







Time heals all wounds

No body said that loving somebody would be easy. However, whenever the image of love is conjured up, the idealist in all of us tend to extol the joys of this overwhelming emotion while blatantly ignoring the part which says that love too, is meant to hurt. It can bring 2 souls together in the most amazing way, but let us not forget that love has the ability to destroy one when things do not turn out the way we expect them to.

Why am I saying all this?

Simply because I am nursing a broken heart. Do not worry, Serene is a strong girl. She will survive. You girls all know that.

Karen told me that when love is reciprocated, it can and will multiply and bloom into something so amazing, but when it is unrequited, it has the power to ravage a person emotionally. How true.

Although I am not exactly on the verge of killing myself, the fact remains that the hurt lingers and probably would for a while yet.

Through prayers, I believe that my heart will learn to love again. Through God, I know that I will only grow stronger through this hellish experience. Through Christ Jesus my Lord and Saviour, I will become a better person for the man God has intended for me.

Upon reflection, I have to admit that in this tricky business we call love, there is no one to blame. I do not blame him. Neither should I blame myself. We all make mistakes. The important thing to do would be to pick yourself up again when you stumble.

Someday soon, the tears will dry, the pain will fade. What will remain, however, would be the memories we have shared. Honestly, being with him made me happier than any gift could. In him, I discovered the wondrous feelings love can bring about in you. I have no regrets. Given another chance, I would not have done things any other way.

It's all been done. It's all been said. Time for me to move on. Time for me to grow up. One unforgettable chapter of my life has finally closed.

Yet another beautiful one awaits me.

The rants, the raves, the lady herself


22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
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image: foto decadent
brushes: 1 2 3
image hosting: imageshack
fonts: dafont Fonts for peas
edited in adobe photoshop cs3



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