Pain

24 hours after my massage session, and I am still alive, albeit in some pain. My muscles are still protesting actively to my physician's less than tender ministrations, although it is not so bad now.

There is something about lying semi-nude and immobile on a massage table while being kneaded all over by a stranger. I almost feel like a lump of stale dough which needs immense effort to be made pliable.

Even better, the exposure causes me to feel vulnerable. So much so that when my harrassed physician asked a perfectly benign question regarding the vocation which I wish to pursue post-graduation, my mind activated its mild hysteria mode, which in turn caused me to ramble incoherently like a raving lunatic about how my degree is practically useless and how I am absolutely clueless as to what to do with my life.

Funny how a seemingly innocent question can trigger off such panic. Funny how I have not given serious thought to my future even though decision time is not that far away.

Is it not rather unfortunate that often, there is a trade off between corporate success and passion? The marriage of the two would of course be most ideal, and just about as common as flying pigs.

Oh well, it's like they say: those who can't do, teach. Maybe I should.







Cheerios Terios

Trotted out with my mum yesterday (she took a day's off from work) and you know, I really wonder who's the aging one here. After about 5 hours' worth of just "walking around", my mum remained energetic and cheery whereas I have been reduced to a pathetic semi-vegetative state, with a killer backache to boot.

Yes, the ache is, after a long long night's rest - I am beginning to sound like a grumpy geriatric I know - a mere twinge, which is still annoying nevertheless.

I am 21, not 210. I am supposed to be fit and healthy and bouncy and happy. Alas, the truth always does seem to be contrary to assumptions. At least when it comes to me.

Oh and another thing, dropped by a showroom yesterday and picked up a brochure of the new Daihatsu Terios, and am impressed by the car. It is bigger than my current little automobile (yay!), is an affordable 1.5 litre SUV (double yay!) and it comes in my favourite colour blue (erm, yay!).

While I have always wanted something more stylish and undoubtedly more expensive, this is a nice starting point. Nothing too flashy, not my first choice when it comes to cars, but still rather nice - hey we can't always get what we want. I graduate in about a years' time, and the burden of supporting the new car with my meagre starting salary would fall on my aching shoulders.

Monthly instalments, road tax, petrol costs. Those in itself are already enough to kill.

So, there is only 1 mission left to accomplish: convince daddy that his little girl is not a speed demon who is desperately craving a particular car equipped with a turbo-charged engine which he is eyeing and that she would be contented enough with a moderately sized, moderately priced automobile.







Yummylicious

I chanced upon a stall at a food centre near Chinatown selling delicious muffins in all sorts of flavours (there's even this dodgy-looking prune flavoured one) and I absolutely love it.

At a dollar per pop, the fluffy, sweet treats were to-die-for. In case you're wondering, my favourite is the banana walnut muffin with real banana chunks in it. Sinful. And simply irresistible.

Girls, the next time we have a get-together, you already know what I would possibly be bringing along.

Urgh, just thinking about them is making me salivate like a rabid animal. How appealing.







Disgruntled

I am grumpy, sleepy, and very bored. Freaky as it may sound, being on holidays makes me feel like an irritating invalid; when there's school, there resides a sense of purpose.

Right now, I am just drifting aimlessly from day to day - although "drifting" conjures up an image of a leaf floating on water and I am nothing like that fragile, annoyingly paper-thin leaf.

Maybe I should go on a trip. Yes, that might be good considering that I have always wanted to see Japan and Korea again. There is something oh-so-fascinating about being around people who are similar in appearances - hey I might not be as waif-like or have a flawless complexion but at least we are all yellow-skinned - yet not comprehend a single word which escapes those collagen-filled lips.

The excellent food, wonderful service (sorry Korea, that applies only to Japan) and breath-taking sights do not hurt as well.

Since I have neither the permission of my folks nor the money to pursue these fantasies of mine, I shall have to make do and be content with what I have - my father is a huge advocate of this theory I tell ya.

So here's Plan B: rent crappy, trashy movies, veg out in front of the television with tub of ice-cream in hand and criticise bad acting. (By the way, Meadow Gold's ice-cream is to die for when not compared with B&J.)

Boy is this the season to be jolly (in all sense of the word)...







Hoop-jumping

My father has always hoped for a son. A male child who would do him proud, and carry on the family line. The Ho family is tragically oh-so-traditional in this manner, even in this day and age.

I wonder if this is the motivation behind the frighteningly incessant need for me to live my life to please my parents, to hopefully become that perfect daughter, to achieve more than any son of theirs ever could.

The schools I've chosen, the decisions I've made, they have all been tailored to suit my father's whim and fancy.

However, despite all the contorting that I've done, it never seems to be enough. There is always someone better, there is always that elusive goal which I've failed to accomplish. It was not sufficient in the past, is not enough now, and perhaps, it never will be.

You know, the scariest thing is, all these unhappiness could easily be self-induced. At the back of my mind, there surely still exists this little voice telling me that my parents do not love me purely because of what I've achieved thus far.

Now all I've to do is to clear the clutter in my heart and uncover this bit of hope.







Fragments

Jigsaw pieces, when viewed individually, might seem nondescript and even dull, but with time, effort, patience, the completed puzzle can be so beautiful.

While some pieces - which often make up the mono-coloured background or night sky - all look the same and are indistinguishable, there is only one (and I emphasise, one) manner in which these pieces will interlock nicely, perfectly with one another. Any mistakes, and finishing the entire puzzle will prove almost impossible.

The tapestry of life can be viewed in the same manner. Although we are tempted to think that insignificance comes with the idea that we are but one of the over six billion people currently dwelling on this planet we call earth, and we might thus be tempted to fall through the cracks a little, contribute a little less, relax a little, this is apprently not so.

Without that single component, however tiny it might be, something would always be lacking. Our actions, more often than not, affect the people around us. These poor souls, in turn, would respond in a manner which could cause mayhem to those connected to them.

Yes, all this may sound flowery and even distasteful to some, but whenever the urge to quit, to throw in the towel and to crawl beneath my quilt in a bid to hide from disagreeable circumstances, I need to believe in those words just to be able to carry on.

At a time whereby I am plagued by confusion and the desire to run away, all that is holding me together is my love and consideration for others, however scarily fragile it might be.







Not all who wander are lost...

Have you ever flown a kite? If so, have you ever noticed how difficult it would be for your beautiful kite to soar if you stubbornly refuse to loosen your hold over it when necessary? In the midst of your struggles, have you ever wondered why, despite knowing that the best way for the magnificence of your kite to be exhibited to the world around you is to let go, you are unable to do just that?

Kites, being made the way they are, can only succeed in their function should they be free to go wherever the wind takes them. The same can be said of people. Although a certain degree of control is still required in order to prevent widespread chaos, restricting an individual is akin to suffocating him; in being unable to maximise his potential, the accompanying frustration is unimaginably painful.

In the process of finding one's true capabilities, mistakes would have to be made, dead ends would have to be met, tears would need to be shed. Although seemingly fruitless and unrewarding, the journey can be said to be the most important aspect ultimately.

The next time you see someone who seems to be without a vision, without a goal, without direction, and are tempted to pity him, hold that urge, rein it in. In our anxiousness to judge, we tend to conveniently forget that at some point in our lives, we all have to drift for a bit, before regaining that motivation to reach for our goals.

For all you know, that solitary wanderer is on his way to becoming the best that he can ever hope to be.







Happy Mothers' Day!

To all mothers out there, take some time off, relax, and soak in the love around you. Goodness knows you bunch deserve it, what with having to put up with haughty bosses, temperamental husbands, fussy in-laws and disobedient children.

Went for my first massage session today, and boy did it hurt. Under the less-than-gentle ministrations of an absolutely angelic chinese physician, I emerged from the treatment room 2 hours later with new bruises and fifty dollars poorer.

Whoever said that massages are meant to be relaxing and oh-so-heavenly should give my new physical therapist a shot. I spent a good half of the time trying not to wring her neck for putting me through sheer agony while she chatted away animatedly, almost nonchalant to my scrunged up face and obvious panting.

Anyway, being the sadist that I am, I would be returning for regular treatments at least twice a week, until my "condition" improves; clucking her tongue in disapproval, the jolly middle-aged mother of 2 remarked on how bad my blood circulation is.

Oh well, it's like they always say: no pain, no gain. The only thing I can do now is to grin and bear it.

Wish me luck.







Temptations...

Wolfed down some butter cookies (a whole lot of them I can tell you) after dinner yesterday night and felt bad instantly. I had already eaten my fill - yummy claypot rice which I whipped up - and for the record, I do not even like butter cookies that much.

Control. I need to control myself.

By the way, I would be dishing out a (hopefully) delicious herbal chicken for dinner tonight. Cooking for my family has become a routine for me since my mum went back to work after her operation.

Imagine what the situation would be like in Thailand when I would be exposed to and surrounded by delectable desserts made with tonnes of coconut. It's a miracle Thailand is not filled with obese people.

With the trip coming up, discipline also needs to be put in place in the area of money. If I want to shop over there, then I have to tighten my belt - literally - over here.

Sadly, I have never been known for my thriftiness.

Now I sound utterly and hopelessly bimbotic. You can almost imagine me in a nauseatingly frilly pink outfit complete with a giggly persona.

How amusing.







The beginning

"...and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in His ways, and keep His decrees and commands, His law and requirements, as written in the law of Moses, so that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you go..."

1 Kings 2:3

Although I do entertain, appreciate and even relish the idea of gaining recognition from my peers through my actions, it is now apparent that what is more important would be to please God and to serve, rather than be served.

Yes, it may be irresponsible in the eyes of some for me to abandon the commitments, I have made my choice.

The relevant documents are in place, payment is ready to be made, and I cannot wait to embark on the exciting journey which awaits me.

My maiden venture overseas without my parents, the first completed consent form which did not require my parents' endorsement. I am scared, but really exhilarated at the same instant.

Yes, of course, my luggage will probably resemble a beached whale, bulging at its seams and all, but hey, we all have our quirks, and one of mine would be the inability to travel light.

So just for the record, here are my plans for the rest of my holidays:

1) Complete my term 3A (that's in a couple of weeks' time)
2) Meet up with my gal pals for a much-needed reunion
3) Prepare for mission trip (that would take a week or so)
4) Go on my first mission trip - to beautiful Chiang Mai no less
5) Begin serving at the Potong Pasir ward permanently
6) Start on yet another law module in term 3B

Then, it's back to school for yet another hectic term...to commence on what would be my final year as an undergraduate.







When dusk falls

Look out the window just as the sun is setting, and you will be awed by the beauty which greets you.

At this magical time of the day, the sky transform into a magnificent kaleidoscope of colours, becomes a canvas for the Lord's masterful hands.

Take some time to take in the miracles of nature; I never did until recently, and boy, have I been missing out on the good things.

As my sophomore year draws to a close, my experience thus far is almost reminiscent of the evening sky; a colourful, attractive tapestry is now mine for keeps. There have been good times and laughter, and there have also been times of grief and tears.

There is nothing I would change, nothing I regret. I am proud of how far I have come, and the accomplishments I have achieved.

Now, at this juncture, there is somebody I want to meet, but I don't know who...







Cooking up a storm

Those in the know would understand that I find it therapeutic to shut myself up in the kitchen for a few hours and produce a good meal for my loved ones. While my mom thinks it an absolute chore to slave over the stove, it is a most rewarding activities to me.

With Mothers' Day round the corner, there is no better way to show my appreciation to my mummy than by giving her something nice and sweet - literally.

The delectable (I hope) present: A chocolate walnut brownie decorated with coloured icing.

Although it would be near impossible for me to enjoy the fruits of my labour given my toothy problem, I do so love creating treats for my family's enjoyment. I can hardly wait.

Alas, there are a lot more readings to tackle - ridiculously long cases - which would need to be completed before Friday's class. Urgh, I just need that little bit of willpower. Focus, I need to focus.

One more lesson to the weekend.

Two and a half more weeks to the end of term 3A.

Twenty more days to my dental surgery.

Can life get any more exciting?







Here's the verdict

Been to the dentist, got an X-ray done, and therein contains the cause to what has been giving me grief.

I'm suffering from an infection due to the problematic growth of my right wisdom tooth. The big, obscene tooth is currently lying at an awkward angle, and it would never grow out normally; a dental surgery would have to be done as soon as possible to contain and cure the infection.

Imagine my chagrin at having to fork out over $400 to put myself through more agony. Wait, there's more. Due to the fact that summer term only ends in 3 weeks' time, that's the earliest date whereby the horrifying procedure can be carried out. The hectic timetable of term 3A makes it impossible for me to take the requisite one week's rest following the operation.

Oh well, at least the dreaded deed would not be done for some time yet. Beneath my nonchalance lies a terrified girl. I have never had to have any part of me sliced open and stitched up again, and I do not relish the whole idea of it.

Whatever it is, I'll just have to grin and bear it, knowing that my Lord and Saviour is standing by, holding my hand, reassuring me all the the way.

The rants, the raves, the lady herself


22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
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