Another bites the dust

5 hours in the hairdresser's seat. $151.20 after a 20% discount. A $5.55 parking fee.

Got my hair chemically straightened and layered this afternoon. Now, it's shorter (but not stick straight, thank goodness) than I would have liked it to be, though it was a most therapeutic experience watching the stylist chop off my beloved tresses.

Whatever possessed me to allow the stylist to snip off so much of my locks, I know not - I've been trying to grow out my hair for a few months now. Although, to be fair I must say that I am rather fond of this new length and style.

A new haircut, a new salon, an unfamiliar stylist. I've stepped out of my comfort zone, and the results were more than satisfying.

More than anything else, a rather drastic haircut, to me, always symbolises a new beginning, a shedding of past unhappiness. Today, I leave behind the events which have caused me grief, and in doing so embrace warmly the exciting things which lie ahead.

I belive that the time has come for me to move on. No more tears, no more insecurity, no more sleepless nights. Here, I begin my process of forgetting.

It is going to be a painful process, but with God by my side, as my guide, and all the wonderful people around me, things might not be so bad afterall.


~it is perhaps easier to forgive a foe than a friend...







Colour my world

How long has it been since I have felt this way? How much time has elapsed since somebody has the ability to make my heart skip a beat whenever we interact?

I know not, neither do I wish to remember. Some memories are safer left in the past, best forgotten. That part of me has died, massacred by callousness, murdered by neglect.

A new chapter of my life has now begun, and while new, daunting challenges may come with this process, I welcome them with open arms, knowing that through it all, He is here always.


~Hope is a waking dream







Aftermath

I hear you my friend; hate the sin, love the person.

However, after everything that has been said and done, my nerves are raw and frayed. The carnage speaks for itself. Nothing would be the same again.

In the years to come, I might look back at this stage of my life and be amused, be amazed at how silly and immature I must have appeared as a 21-year old. Alas, at present, the pain is too real, terrfyingly present, almost tangible.

So what happens now?







Picking up the pieces

10 full minutes of solitude. 1 decision.

It was difficult, extremely painful, but necessary.

You are my dear friend, and always will be. Please know and understand that I came in with every intention of keeping my word, but something you said caused me to reconsider.

In the end, it all boiled down to whom I felt would be able to take the club further. We have beautiful dreams, numerous visions, and we can all work towards them together, as a club, regardless of position or power.

If you think that my actions compromised our friendship in anyway, if you feel betrayed, I have nothing to say in my defense. Promises are made to be kept, and I faltered.

Ultimately, my vote was cast with no regret. Put yourself in my shoes, and I believe that you would have done the same. You would have remained objective, would never have let sentiments overrule.

That remains your strongest strength, if you would allow it room to grow.







Topsy turvy

Lunch with Mac yesterday yielded unexpected returns; it was comforting to be able to let go and confide in him. It was even more gratifying to me when I extended a listening ear to him. This is what friends do for one another, no doubt about that.

My secret ambitions, my unspoken goals. Everything surfaced during our chat, and it was wonderful to be able to garner support from a young man I have come to regard as a good friend.

Little private nuggets of information was revealed as well, although that did nothing to alleviate the confusion I am experiencing now.

The process was nothing bombastic, nothing dynamic. Rather, time has taught me to look beyond appearances and to disregard the superficialities life has imparted to me.

How or when you crept stealthily into my heart I know not. You possess few of the attributes I am looking for, yet you have managed, through your gentle demeanour and caring ways, to capture my attention.

Enamoured I may be, but nothing which does not come from God is sustainable. I am treading with caution this time around; without God's approval, I would hold no expectations, nurse no hope.

In time to come, perhaps this too, would come to pass. However, in the midst of waiting, let me savour the sweet sweet nectar of something I would like to call passion.







Hanging on

A 7-hour meeting. A missed birthday. A heavy heart.

Sometimes, the seemingly trivial things are the ones which could break one's spirit. The culmination of all these deceptively benign, little issues can be lethal.

Ultimately, my decision must have hurt, must have surprised those who care. The reasons behind my choice are complex, though I do wonder if it is merely a way of escape for me.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for your offer of your precious time even at that late hour. It meant so much in the midst of my confusion, and I wished that I had the time to talk to you, to communicate my gratitude, to give you that grateful hug.

You know who you are; please know that just like you are always here, always near, so will I be.

On a completely different note, I would like to convey my best wishes to a most special person in my life. Thank you for your friendship, your support, your love.

Sorry I could not be there.

On the 20th of March, 20 years ago, the world welcomed with wide open arms a squalling infant who became my best friend the day she was born. Since then, we have weathered through many storms together; we have had our ups and downs, our fights and disagreements. The journey has been long, but filled with exciting, beautiful memories which would remain even as the world as we know it fades away.

Here's wishing my lil' sister Sharon a belated happy twentieth birthday. The way ahead may be paved with much obstacles, but you are a fighter; you will do okay. Believe in your abilities - you will go as far as you want to go.

Thank you for twenty awesome, awesome years.


~God will lead the way, when there seems to be no way







Freaky Friday

Nah, my Friday was nothing like that. In fact, I really enjoyed myself last night.

Headed to school in the afternoon and was exposed to the merciless sun. Not wanting to stare at the offensive ball of fire in the face, up came my umbrella. Alas, my inept fingers struggled in valiantly vain to return my disobedient parasol (alright, umbrella) into its case before waving a small white flag in an act of surrender.

Met Jeremy (aka Mr Loo) for a movie screening in school after retrieving my laptop charger, thumb drive and optical mouse from Ben - I'd stupidly left them behind after our IE meeting. Strange how immensely I enjoyed the movie despite having no prior knowledge of what it was all about; I wasn't even privy to the title of the movie (now blissfully forgotten, given my talent for retaining names) before the film started.

My original plan was to meet up with the fencers for Jason Mraz's concert after having dinner with Jem but the company was good, and the conversation, excellent, so I happily let time slip by me unnoticed until Sophie rang and I realised that I was not going to be able to reach the Esplanade on time. Nevertheless, I popped in during the interval "just to say hi" before ascending the Esplanade's roof terrace; yes, I did pay $32 for the ticket but that's besides the point.

We parked ourselves at one spot of the roof terrace listening to E.I.C. play to a free audience at the amphitheatre downstairs, while chatting about everything under the sun. It was a refreshing and invigorating experience to be able to express myself without fear of being judged by others; it was with much regret that I departed about 2 hours later, Jem in tow.

Bumped into the fencers once again while going home but didn't have much to say. It's strange to realise how truly little I had in common with the people I have really cometo regard as the closest group of friends I have. It was equally saddening to discover the superficiality of our so-called friendship. I have never truly belonged, and I wonder if I ever will. I had earlier confided in Jem of my reservations and the relief which flooded me was exhilarating.

The walk to the station was long, no doubt, but when there is a friend beside you, somehow the journy doesn't seem as long, nor does it appear to be as tiring.

At the end of the day, I suppose this is what really matters: having real friends around you; friends who will rejoice with you during the good times, and commiserate with you during the bad.

To everybody who has been by my side, thank you. You do not know how blessed I truly feel, having been gifted with the love of wonderful individuals like all of you.







Pandora's box

I really wonder what went through the head of Pandora when she opened that little box she was specifically warned against ever looking into.

The same goes for people. What possesses us to venture into the unknown, seeking out problems we are better off not knowing about in the first place? What exactly is that mechanism in us which pushes the human subconsciousness into deliberately stirring up trouble which would otherwise be contained, and would never surface?

Ignorance is the key to bliss. Or so some would contend. At times, I concur; what you do not know has no ability to harm you - or so my stubborn mind chooses to think.

Yet, there is this flaw inherent in me, this incessant need to pursue perfection, right down to the littlest detail. Again, I am going down a slippery slope here, for there is no perfection is there?

It is a mere perception; an illusion adopted by idealistic thinkers in hopes of achieving a state of contentment.

Fights could have been avoided, arguments prevented, and disappointment circumvented if I exercised that little bit of self-restraint at appropriate times.

However, this is what makes all of us unique - our ability to think for ourselves and to make differentiated decisions. Compliance would doubtless bring about acceptance, but the thought of living life by someone else's rules sickens me. God did not pain-stakingly create each and everyone of us individually only to have us act like robots out of the same artificial mould.

As my year as a sophomore draws to a close, as I become an adult and come into my own, there is an insatiable need to distinguish myself, to find my place. For too long, I have been letting the trends of the world lead me by the nose. For too long, I have been trying to live up to the standards of those around me.

There is a need for change, and change is always good, in my honest opinion.







Incorrigible

The overwhelming urge to shop assailed my senses as I spontaneously went on a retail binge after class yesterday.

My wonderful spoils are as follow:

1) A beaded belt I don't need
2) White skirt with embroidery
3) Brown V-neck & V-back top
4) White corset-like top with lacey trimmings

The best part of this whole experience is: the one item which I needed to purchase was a pair of peep-toe shoes.

Nevermind. There's time yet.

Just realized how utterly brainless and bimbotic this post sounds. I blame school for sapping me of all my intellect.

Anyway, worked with Bro Ryan during MPW class yesterday - I deliberately swapped groups in order for this to materialisme(didn't feel like talking to strangers) - and I dare say that I am looking forward to working with him again in the future.

For now, it's time for me to ingest another one of those pretty pink pills.

Yes, I am still sick.







Pretty Pink Pills

No, I am not a junkie. Fret not.

Finally surrendered to the piteous cries of my body (I hope you're happy now!) and allowed my dad to drag me to the good ol' clinic which I have been visiting since my preteen, adolescent years.

It's funny how the decor has hardly changed over the past 14 years. The same wooden, scarred benches still faithfully line the walls of the clinic. The same old cupboards are still used to store the tonnes of medicines stocked by the clinic. The same familiar faces mend the counter, barking out names at random intervals. The same, familiar odour of medicine greets you upon entering the small, nondescript little clinic.

Anyhow, I emerged from the doctor's office with the knowledge that my lymph nodes are inflamed, four different types of medicine and $18 poorer.

Beaflu is the name of the pretty pink pill which would hopefully alleviate my headache, stuffy nose and bodily ache. I would be religiously popping these drowsiness-inducing babies for the next few days.

Having ingested one of these magic tablets, my addled brain commanded me to sleep, sleep, and sleep. There goes my carefully laid-out plans to finish my biz law readings on tort (insert pained expression) by tonight.

Urgh, I hate being sick.







Sick again

The late nights, workload, stress and other miscellaneous issues which I fret over have taken their toil on my health - I am feeling a little dizzy and under the weather (am currently nursing a sore throat and flu). Oh boy do I feel so good now.

Went to school this morning for a research study, then rushed home with breakfast for the family and a little rest; it's back to school again later for a meeting with my MPW prof. Was looking forward to a little time to myself tomorrow but my mum needs to return to the hospital for a check-up. Here goes another day spent at KKH.

Although the week has been tough, I thank God for providing me with the much-needed distractions - without them, I would have well and truly broken down. With so much to do and so little time, the luxury of mulling over my problems (I have way too many of them to be frank) has eluded me.

That may not have necessarily been a bad thing.

I need more time to come to a decision. There is much to consider. Please be patient with me for a little while longer.


What wouldn't I give to have your loving arms around me...







My so-called friends

Here's a big thank you to all concerned.

Thank you for showing me how much you care, for revealing how much I can rely on you when help is needed, for telling me where things are headed.

You lot were always around when it's time to make merry and have fun, but where are you now when I need my friends the most?

No phone calls, no messages, no friendly hugs, not even a whimper at all.

I wonder how I could have been so blind all this time.

Whatever the case, it is better late than never. Now I realise who my friends are; people who love me, care for me, and would weather the storm with me.

To these people, please know how much every single gesture meant to me.

Thank you for offering a listening ear, for giving me undue support, for taking time out of your busy schedules to spend with me.

You people have clearly shown me what being a friend is all about.

I am ever grateful to God for gifting me with each and every one of you.







Blessed to bless

Visited Mr Loo's church last Sunday and a pastor mistakenly thought that Mr Loo and I were married - to each other. The shock which reverberated through my body triggered an automatic reaction very typical of me: I laughed out loud, right in the dear preacher's face. How very mortifying.

Come to think of it, to resemble someone of a marriageable age is somewhat scary. It means that (cue horror music here please) I am aging. Oh well, guess that's the way the gigantic chocolate chip cookie crumbles.

On a different note, I read a dear sister's blog post which provoked a myriad emotions to be stirred up.

The fragility of life portends that we might not live to see tomorrow. Transience characterises our existence. Nobody knows what the future holds.

A disturbing notion, but no doubt true.

There is so much more all of us hope to accomplish, so many people to meet, so many places to go. If you should die before you wake tomorrow, what would be the one thing you would regret not having done?

Think about it, and maybe the choices which we all make would be more informed ones.







F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Thank you so very much.

For ensuring that I returned home safely after yesterday's training; for your encouragement and personal notes when my results fell short of expectations; for keeping me awake and motivated through those long long lessons; for the more than 4 precious hours you spent with me over the phone last night.

You (yes, I do believe you know who you are) have been the most wonderful and supportive friend through these tough weeks. Do not, for even a nanosecond, feel any inadequacy of any kind on your part - you really are rather awesome the way you are.

Know that your concern is much appreciated, and your friendship, treasured.

It is more than enough to know that I am surrounded by friends who care and whom I hold dear to my heart.

To all those special people who have given me ample warnings, who have cautioned me against giving a second chance to someone undeserving, I apologise for my folly. An extension of friendship to an indifferent individual would yield naught but regret, disappointment, bitterness.

Sometimes, it is perhaps best to harden one's heart in an act of self-preservation. I have done it once, over 3 years ago, and it is with great reluctance that I administer the same treatment once more.

You were right all along my dear. Double-headed serpents cannot be trusted, cannot be relied on, cannot change.







Random ramblings

It's amazingly difficult to apply varnish on your nails yourself and be able to do a perfect job. Guess that's why there are people out there making a more then decent living out of painting nails - hey, we pay $59 for a mani+pedi ok?

Or maybe I am just a klutz. Anyhow my toes (ok fine, my toe nails) are now blue.

Oh yes, on another note, do not attempt to send ridiculous emoticons to me via MSN when I am having class. A few of those innocently cutesy figures have sent me into laughing fits in class, attracting stares from amused coursemates and annoyed professors.

Imagine this, amidst a solemn discussion on suicide, you hear this strange muffled sound of badly suppressed giggles not unlike that made when you try to suffocate a pig.

Bad? It gets worse. The culprit then goes on to disguise laughter by coughing, making it appear that she is suffering from some mysterious, contagious disease which results in bouts of hacking coughs.

So, in order to curb the spread of and to cure this unknown sickness, kindly refrain from showing others weird emoticons during class.







Obligations

Was given an opportunity to revise my initial decision and to take part in Selangor Open. Was extremely tempted for a while there.

However, I am aware that I am first a child and follower of God, then a daughter to my parents and lastly, an individual free to do as she pleases.

My mom would be undergoing a hysterectomy on Monday. She would be hospitalised for at least 3-4 days subsequently. Given this situation, the last thing a daughter ought to be doing would be to abandon the family in pursuit of self-interests.

Although she would have gladly given her blessings should I opt to leave her side, I want to be with her.

Call me stupid, label me dumb. I do not care.

I am needed here. That's that.

The rants, the raves, the lady herself


22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
A fresh SMU graduate on a job-hunt
Zips around in a pretty red Civic


God, family, friends =)


Chick lit
Chick flicks
Good Korean drama serials =)

Sharon
Janise
Glenn
Kevin
Claire
Hanwen
Elaine
Pei
Michelle
Lizzie
Leonard
Aloysius
Clement
Jon Choy
Blogskins
Blogger

designer: FILLINTHEBLANKS
image: foto decadent
brushes: 1 2 3
image hosting: imageshack
fonts: dafont Fonts for peas
edited in adobe photoshop cs3



11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005
10/01/2005 - 11/01/2005
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007
04/01/2007 - 05/01/2007
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007
09/01/2007 - 10/01/2007
10/01/2007 - 11/01/2007
11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007
12/01/2007 - 01/01/2008
01/01/2008 - 02/01/2008
02/01/2008 - 03/01/2008
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008
04/01/2008 - 05/01/2008
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008
06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008
07/01/2008 - 08/01/2008
08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008
09/01/2008 - 10/01/2008
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008
02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009