Divorce. It's an ugly topic that few dare to explore. In our society, it's almost taboo to bring up this topic, much less be in a midst of one. Yet, in our modern society today, divorces are not uncommon. In fact, it is getting extremely popular amongst couples. Not happy with your spouse? Easy. Get a divorce. Bored of being part of a marriage? Opt out with a legal separation. Basically, the modern man treats divorce like a remedy to marital differences and unhappiness, not unlike the fact that many treat abortion as a form of contraceptive. This mindset is warped, and most irresponsible, but this is what modernisation has done to us. It is a problem of compromise. In providing us with much material comforts, development has eroded our ideals of love and life. Is it bad? It's hard to say, and opinions do vary from person to person. That's the complexity of new age living that all have to deal with but most avoid.

When a couple decides to tie the knot, they have to realise that what they're making is not something that is reversible - it's a permanent vow pledging their loyalty and love to each other for life. Sadly, no one recognises the importance and levity of this life-changing decision anymore. Hence the sky-rocketing divorce rates. In the US, half of all marriages eventually turn sour and end up in divorces. Often, the victims of this mess are not the couples involved but the children borne in the marriage. What becomes of them? If it should be said that children are the fruits of love, then would this change when all the love is gone?

To be frank, I am still unable to grasp the concept of love. Yes, I can comprehend it in a religious form. That is, God's love for all His children. However, when it is translated into the strong feelings of affection and attraction between a man and a woman, the axis changes. We're not sinless and pure like God. In a way, I've always felt that people love for a motive, whereas God loves unconditionally. How many of us can safely say that we care for someone just because we care? Many a time, we base our affections on superficial things, which vary diversely from person to person. For some, wealth is of importance while to others, looks take top priority. How then can we say that we love because we love? Is this the ultimate reason as to why love can and will fade over time? Again, this is highly debatable as no two people think the same way.

Thus, it is not impossible for two people to be joined spiritually as man and wife and not share a common affection for each other. What they love is a fragment of their partner, and usually, it is the glorious side of that person we tend to admire. Think about this: people change, and there's no guarantee that the qualities we admire in our partner will remain for all time. When one changes, do the good qualities flee as well? They might. Whoever deems themself as being in love ought to reflect and to think about this. To love a person would be to accept him for who he is. Love is essentially self-sacrificial, and not many can deal with this facet of it. Hence, what we experience is a mere shadow of what pure, untainted joy can be.

Love in the modern world is blemished and tattered.







There was a bit of drama at home last night. Well, maybe that's an understatement. My dad hit my mom after a fight, and I'm not too happy about that. It has taken me 7 long years to forgive him for being unfaithful and now, I'not sure if I'll ever forgive him and go back to having a cordial relationship with him. It is one thing to shout at my mom, and it is another to hit her. The scars left behind by this may never fade...i'm so lost. But even in the midst of this, I'm thankful to God for being by my side. He has given me the strength to carry on, and the hope that someday, i'll achieve and attain a state of bliss with the partner he has for me. Although I know that much needs to be done to salvage this relationship, i'm sick and tired of all this rubbish. First with my love life, now this. There is only so much I can take before I break down. And believe me, I don't have much capacity left. I'm losing steam. Fast.

You guys may not know this, but i gave my blog address to only 3 people whom i can trust. If you are one of them, you would know that you are special to me, and that I love and trust you very much. I've a lot of pride, and this prevents me from revealing my problems to people. It is a known fact amonst peers that I never cry in front of people, except when I'm close to my breaking point. In the 6 years that I know my grp of close friends, they have only seen me cry once, and that's not a lot, considering that we share most of our problems with one another. then again, since I do most of the listening and none of the sharing, are we that close? or is it a mere illusion on my part? I don't know anymore. And I don't care.







i had a huge bust up with mr dickhead a couple of days ago. one thing i cannot take from people is rudeness. stupidity is secondary. you don't call me, only to hang up on me when i call you back. it is not done. even monkeys have better manners. i'm sure of that. well, in any case, i vented all my frustrations on him, but he deserves it, having borrowed a substantial sum of money from me over a period of two years and not wanting to return it. i have reason to treat him like a pathetic loser, and i'm not sorry about it. i don't really bother if anyone has a problem with me doing this. it is my life, so let me live it the way i want to.

was xmas yesterday...went to church and had a rather solemn service (in my opinion at least). our pastor in charge will be leaving, and another trusted senior member of our congregation would be leaving us upon answering God's calling. they'll be sorely missed. having spent 5 years at the service, i'm suddenly aware of the fact that one cannot afford to get too comfortable. anything can and will happen. in any case, it was a good service, and i really needed to spend some time in fellowship with God's people. now, i'm back to my secular life until tmr, when there's church. i'm pretty excited, and this brings joy to me as i haven't been too enthusiastic abt God for a long long while. now, i'm no longer suffering and i feel good! :)








Slytherin, Ahh I see you seek power and well dog
anything to get it but know this the more power
you get the less friends you have


Be sorted in to hogwarts school
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went out today, and purchased a copy of "A Divine Revelation of Hell". i stopped after just three chapters of the book. i had to get away from it all. the things written were so frightful and overwhelming. i'm scared. Not many things can affect me the way this book does. it's the second time i'm reading it but it still shakes me up emotionally and spritually. there are sins that i've which i'm unable to control, and reading this does not help. i've to be firm, and to take over the reins of my life. no more will material things or immoral things take hold of any part of my life. i'm going to cut out clubbing, drinking and physical intimacy. it's something i have to do. some may be surprised by this change in me but pls realise that it's for our own good in the long run. i dun aim to be cool, hip or popular. i just want to be in God's favour once more. it's my desire and i will achieve it.

I know that Esther and i have gone through things that may have drawn us away from God, but i'm praying for our healing, and it won't be long now before we recover. i must continue to have faith, and i must not falter. i believe now that everything that we have to go through - both good as well as bad - serves a unique purpose. God's trying to teach us something very real, and i'm thankful for this chance for me to grow. in fact, it is a very good christmas present. :)







fed up with the pple i call my friends...i've been looking forward to catching LOTR but guess what? a trio decided to go watch it themselves. talk about being selfish. well...what can i expect from a bunch of spoilt brats? they've parents willing to pay for their exorbitant school fees in the US and down under. i'm not trying to nit pick or be anal here...but we did make a pact to watch the movie together. hence, i turned down other offers but now...what am i to do? it's not the movie that matters to me..it's the way they choose to deal with our friendship. they're not the most tactful nor sensitive pple on earth and so, i shall not mince my words here. it's not as if we're gonna see each other for much longer. so what the heck...let's just get things out in the open. the thing which makes me sad is the fact that they ten to "forget" selective pple when they wanna do stuff. for instance, they have these friendship rings which not everyone has. the reason? oh, onllie the pple from the same sch has them. what kinda logic is that? and we have a little princess who has to get her way. her immature attitude is getting on my nerves. wonder how she's gonna survive in the working world. i'm not gonna confront her. i'll just go watch it on my own. unlike some pple, who cannot even visit the loo on their own.

enough of them. there are two grps of friends in this world. (my world, at least). one would be the one whom you can hang out with but there's no common interests. the other would be the grp you share an emotional bond with. i'm glad to say that i've a grp of special friends whom i can talk to, and laugh with. friends who are not pretentious and who really care. Thank God for this grp of special pple. i would not know what to do without them. they are the ones who have encouraged me when i felt down, and with whom i share my darkest secrets with. thanks for everything girls! you mean the world to me. :)







just came back from yet another driving lesson. will be having lessons almost daily till my test date next month. hope to pass the first tie round but then again, i must remind myself that there are no guarantees in life so let's just take things slowly. i learnt how to park today. and boy, it's certainly not as difficult as pple say it is. i learnt it in under half an hour! here's one for the girls! take it from me, guys are no better drivers than women. :) let's make this clear, the idea that guys are more accomplished than women is a pure myth. all it takes is a lil' confidence. it makes a lot of difference. you'll see. :)

went to ritz carlton for dinner last night, and the waiter who attended to us deserves a special mention. he was polite, well- mannered, and most importantly, he is a hong konger who's here alone, all by himself. through our conversation with him, i came to realise that maybe, i've taken my family for granted. i've always felt that it was nothing to come together at the end of the day and have a meal together. for him, the last time he had dinner with his family was in july. yet, there was something in his eyes....hope, i think, that made him so special, and not at all pathetic. he was proud of his job, humble as it is, and he was grateful and appreciative of the time he has to spend with his family. he wished us a merry xmas as we left, and i couldn't help but feel that christmas is not merely a time of shopping and good food. it is a time whereby christians like myself can reflect on the magnificence of lord Jesus' glorious birth, and when others can joy in the spirit of togetherness. essentially, christmas can be celebrated all year round, in the hearts of everyone in this wonderful world God has created.







yet another boring...lazy wednesday morning. it's kinda breezy. nice ;) would be going for driving lesson soon...so i'll rush through this. *sigh* have been going for daily lessons for the psat week...and it's exhausting. never knew driving could be this tiring. I'm grateful that my dad drives me ard....gosh...how does he ever manage it?

during the course of the past few days..i've been praying for guidance and healing and you know what? i can really feel the pain beginning to fade. Thank You God for this. i've drawn closer to Him and truly, i can begin to feel Him doing his marvellous deeds and i'm happy. really happy. it's a big change from my surly mood just a week ago. Thank You, so much. :)







i love the song featured in my blog. the title of the song is "I Don't Wanna Fall in Love" by Tonya Mitchell. it's a beautiful song. enjoy!







can't wait to catch LOTR. it's the movie i've been waiting for and yet...there's no one i really wanna watch it with. it's a movie i was hoping to share with someone but well...let's just say that it won't materialise. told my folks blunty that they won't be seeing more of him. they gave me looks filled with pity. i dislike that. i'm not pathetic. i just want them to know that we're through. they should be happy. they never liked him anyway. my dad thinks he's dishonest while my mom thinks that he lacks basic courtesy...what's a girl to do? you cannot please everyone. it's not possible. but then again...i know that he's no good for me so guess this may not be a bad thing afterall.

went out with my mom yesterday evening to get fresh shavings for my chinchilla. it felt good...i could really communicate with my mom and i'm thankful to God for this chance. i really needed it to refresh myself. my mom is special to me and she always will be.








just back from yet another driving lesson...thighs are aching like mad...sigh. as i was driving...i was wondering...is life like driving? is there some final destination which we are aiming to go to? if yea...then what is it? i'll be going to uni next yr (hopfeully!!) but even then, what am i working for? when i'm in uni, i would be workin for my degree...when i graduate..i would be fighting for a job...when i have secured a stable job...i would spend my whole life working towards a better pay. when would it ever end? gosh...at times i feel tired just thinking about what is to come.

went to carrefour yesterday with my folks...and i wasn't in a good mood at all. of all things...my dad had to ask me to invite him to some christmas dinner. what could i have told him? there's nothing more i want to say. i know i shouldn't have screamed at my mom the way i did...but i couldn't help it. she was being a bit of an irritant and i was vastly annoyed. sorry man....i didn't mean to. but sorry is one word which does not come easily to me. i've too much pride. is it a bad thing? i've too many unanswered questions.

was reading A Divine Revalation of Heaven by Mary K. Baxter. i was so convicted upon reading it that i wept. really, tears just seeped from my lids. i couldn't control it and neither did i want to. there's so much inside me now that crying is instantly therapeutic. God is good. All the time. i can truly believe that now. it's been a long while since i last felt so close to him. will try to be more devoted in the future. i need that. i want that. i revel in God's love and i feel more whole now. healing will come as soon as i can find it in my heart to let go of whatever i need to surrender to Him...i'll be whole again. someday.







okayz....had a rough night yesterday...was angered by a person i ought not to care about. what the heck...i should just wipe him off my life. he's not worth it and it's high time i realised it. no matter how i've tried....it's always been me standing alone...fighting to keep this friendship afloat. and i'm sick and tired of it. i'm chucking it out the window and i'm walking out of this shithole. who the hell does he think he is? he hhas no right to play with me and then just throw me away. i'm not a toy. i'm a human being just like his precious little ex. what's the point of me trying so hard when the other party doesn't care? his ex his ex his fucking ex...that's all his stinking horny brain can think about. go fuck her then....being the slut she is...i'm sure that wouldn't be a problem. i'm done with this...why bother being nice....he wants me to forget him...he wants me to hate him. well...he got his wish...i hope he's happy. bastard. stinking asshole. i've never felt more affected. but it's all gonna end soon...i've never felt more liberated.

is shopping really as therapeutic as pple say it is? to me, it's just a way of escaping from reality for a while. do we really want it? is it even meaningful to buy your way out of your sorrows? i've no idea. I'm just in a turmoil right now. but i'm thankful that this experience has drawn me closer to God, and i find that by switching my focus unto Him, i'm more at peace with myself. guess i'm gonna really involve myself in the church's ministry and to do what i can to help the community at large. it's more meaningful than sitting around, moaning and moping over essential nothingness.

my closest friends will be leaving me soon...we'll be separated in a few weeks' time. it's sad how lfe changes as we grow older...how everything gets worse with time. it shows me that nothing is permanent except God, and at times, it's utterly depressing. i feel so helpless at times but what can be done? i'm merely a small, lonely soul in this vast universe. basically, i think loneliness is a state of mind, and i'm angry that i'm unable to snap out of it and to live life to the fullest. but i'll have to try. nothing lasts forever. not even life...and before i know it, i would be dead. no longer lingering on this earth. i would have gone on to a better place (hopefully). some times, i hope for God to take me hime and this frightens me. why am i thinking of death when there's so much more i can do for God's kingdom on this earth? again, i've no answers. but then again, there are no answers to some of life's biggest questions....







Which Sylvia Plath Poem Am I?

by echoing








Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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just woke up...washed up and had breakfast. Will be going shopping later. what else is there to do in S'pore? you either go to some beach, or you hit town. kinda boring. but think i would be looking for a holiday job soon, to earn some work experience and pocket money ("go earn yourself some CPF" my mum told me some days ago) Sigh. It's a chore having to wake up early in the morning and drag yourself to a place you detest, and to do menial work that bores you. but guess that's what the working world is about. all this talk about offices being drowned in office politics is not making me feel any better. *haha*

A couple of my pals will be leaving singapore soon...gonna study abroad. will miss them dearly but i know that we'll see each other very soon. I trust that God will take care of each and everyone of us and that He'll keep them safe. that's really comforting.

Read esther's blog and i do feel for her. emotional pain can be the worst torment one has to go through...i've experienced it firsthand and i'm determined to help her get through this. dunno if i would be as effective as her close friends....but i'm more than willing to try. she has been a darling and i do not wish to see her like this.

HCJC party next week...my friends would be going...so guess i would be too. Yet another chance to get hopelessly sotted and embarrass myself *haha* but it's always fun when you're with good friends! i'm kinda excited...shall go rummage for a top to wear later...need to get it ironed and all. can't believe some friends of mine would enjoy clubbing that much. I'm amazed...but then again....the chance to let everything go is refreshingly liberating and i'll have to admit that i like it too. well...so much for wanting to settle down and to be a good nice girl.... :)







my com's screwed...how nice....shall go tinkle with it....dunno what the heck's wrong though *shrugs*







heyz...my blog has music...."perfect" by simple plan. enjoy! i know lotsa my pals like this particular track :)







it's boring to just stay home....but nvm...at least i can get some well-needed rest. thinking of going to watch "love actually" but really, all i want is to catch LOTR! gosh, have been waiting for so long....and it's the only movie i'm looking forward to watching (Harry Potter onllie comes out next yr). i like the storyline, as much as i adore the actors cast. well done peter jackson.

Christmas is approaching, and well, i'm not really in a festive mood, so it doesn't make a diff to me. what makes this christmas even more depressing would be the fact that it would be the last one my friends andi would get to spend together before we go our separate ways....*sigh* well, i guess a bit of a distance could do us some good....we've been spending way too much time together. it's always good to broaden one's horizons and to make new pals. though i'm gonna miss them very much...wow...it's been six yrs already.

i still recall the times we spent in sngs when i first entered....the eight of us were from the same class....and we grew together....fights could not break us up....and after all that's been said and done...we're still close as ever. i'm ever thankful to God for friends like this bunch of wacky girls. it's always nice to have buddies ard...i know i can count on them no matter the circumstance. thank you girls for the excellent memeories...and don't worry....i'm gonna move on....no more nonsense abt me being sad and insecure!

this would be my new yr resolution....pls remind me constantly of that :)







had prom last night...kinda dull and boring. but at least it took my mind off certain things which i badly needed to block out. am i trying to escape from my problems? maybe i am, but i don't care. it makes me feel better. i've no idea how it started, but it seems to me that everything i do, i do it based on how he would feel. when i go clubbing, i don't allow guys to pick me up....when i go shopping, he would be on my mind. and it stinks. big time. why should i feel so loyal when he's out painting the town red with an ex whom he's still hung up on? why should i bother to please him? why should i care? in the end, i'm the biggest loser in this cruel game. and i detest that. guess i brought this upon myself and now, i don't even have his resoect anymore. i'm such a failure at times.

speaking of clubbing, i went to embassy. ladies' night. drank for free, and got myself half drunk. sub-consciously, maybe i had wanted it to happen. the feeling i get from consuming alcohol can be superb, but yet, upon snapping out of my drunken stupor, i feel very lonely. my christmas wish this year would be to have a significant other to spend it with. i want to wish him merry christmas and to whisper softly into his ear the three words i've never said to anyone : "I love you". a simple wish, but so hard to achieve. it takes very little to make me happy, and this makes everything even more pathetic cos to me, the world is a big freaking mess now and i'm stuck in this whirlpool of emotion which i cannot get out from.

I want to hate him. I want to have nothing more to do with him. I wish we had never met. but it's too late.







changed my blog skin....just feeling a bit tired of the old one.... *sigh* my thanks to ying for all her encouragements...really needed that. *thanks* have been feeling down, dun even feel like attending prom tmr..what's the point? hai...but my appointments with the make up ladya and hair dresser has been made, so what the heck....let's just go for the food. what's up with this prom nonsense anyway? why would pple get hyped over getting their hair tortured and their faces painted? it's like a freak show....wonder why the hell i'm going. nothing makes sense anymore...what a screwed world we all live in...or is it only me? whatever...







met up with the object of my affection yesterday...he said things that really hurt...that i never had a chance with him. well...maybe i'm being a slut...but i still care...i don't want to see him unhappy. I never imagined that i could feel this way about anyone, but apparently, i can. and i can love very deeply too. he does not return my feelings at all..and there's nothing i can do. his ex wants him back and honestly, there is no way i can compete with the smart, beautiful girl he was once with. who am i trying to kid? i wonder how i'll be able to live this down....wonder how long i would continue to hurt. i hate this. i hate myself for loving him, for having met him. twice.

I was on the road to recovery...why did i have to met him again on my birthday? why can't i escape from this web of misery? life is so cruel. I just want to stop hurting. is it so hard? my proud heart will be broken again when he returns to his ex. but i've to be strong, and whatever happens, i'll be happy if he is. all i ask is for his happiness. he'll never love me, but a part of me always will. memories of his warm embrace, tender kisses, will stay with me for a long time yet. and i'll be hurting for a long while to come.







okayz...was trying to play some online game when a porn pop-up appeared. very disturbing. that was followed by the warning that my com's being tracked. what kinda rubbish is this? i was just trying to play my damn game. gosh, gave me a scare. dunno what the heck that was.

received news of my friend being mistreated by her good-for-nothing bf...what the hell was he thinking when he tried to take advantage of her? if it's consensual, i've nothing to say but in this case, he tried to force himself on her. talk about being a bastard...sigh. guess there are problems aplenty everywhere.

it's my sis' third day on her job attchment. sounds fun really. maybe i should go find a job too *hahaz* wonder if it'll do me any good...anywayz, she seems to be having fun...her mentor's nice and friendly and she's made some new friends. good for her i say! :)

read esther's blog, and just wanna say that whatever you need, feel free to come to me. if it's something i can do for you, i would. you've been a great friend to me these past 2 years and i wanna be there for you whenever you need me. don't forget that k? :)

nuff said...shall try to trace the origins of that disturbing pop up and the threatening msg saying that i've been tracked. so dumb.








You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.

As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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The rants, the raves, the lady herself


22 going on 23-year-old Trinitarian
A fresh SMU graduate on a job-hunt
Zips around in a pretty red Civic


God, family, friends =)


Chick lit
Chick flicks
Good Korean drama serials =)

Sharon
Janise
Glenn
Kevin
Claire
Hanwen
Elaine
Pei
Michelle
Lizzie
Leonard
Aloysius
Clement
Jon Choy
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