Tuesday, February 28, 2006
♥ 1:29 PM
Happy at last...I think
These past couple of weeks have been rather kind. I've had a couple of very pleasant surprises from a couple of very nice young men, and I couldn't be more grateful for the sources of distraction.
The random meal, the odd movie date, I have enjoyed them all.
Yet, amidst this haze of supposed bliss, there lies my uncertainty that this feeling of happiness and contentment is too fragile, too transient, too superficial.
A joy ride in a sports car driven by one of my friends would bring me joy, but only for that short duration of time. Likewise, a movie, a dinner, a prolonged chat over coffee, these little pockets of satisfaction wear off faster than the effects of that shot of caffeine injected into my lethargic veins.
Call me high maintenance, label me unrealistic, but doesn't real happiness encompass more than what we are currently willing to settle for?
~Watch the stars crash in the sea
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, February 26, 2006
♥ 7:54 PM
Every Beat of My Heart
So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear
Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they won't disappear
'Cause I don't know
Where your journey goes
Or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart
I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday
They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way
'Cause I don't know
Where your journey goes
Or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart
~Corrinne May~
Bittersweet. That was how I felt when my sister turned to me suddenly and commented that the lyrics reminded her strongly of me.
The memories which still linger. The process of letting go. The hope which I no longer dare to nurture.
Then, the ensuing tear which I could not hold back.
I wonder where life's meandering would take me to next.
Je n'ai jamais cessé de vous aimer
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, February 25, 2006
♥ 10:35 PM
Angel*Dust the spendthrift
Was out with my family today and as usual, I overspent.
Here's a list of what I acquired within a couple of hours:
1) New Nike bag for training (and I had just bought an Adidas one last week)
2) Black beaded top
3) Purple boho skirt
4) Brown layered skirt
5) Pink skirt
6) A pair of pink earrings
Total cost: I don't even want to know.
Amazing. Disgusting. Guilt-inducing.
Talked to my sister about the qualities I am on a lookout for in a mate, and it was extremely liberating to finally be able to recognise the traits which would best complement my character.
Simply put, no one is perfect, but my partner should ideally be:
1) A non-smoker
2) Someone who doesn't drink
3) A non-gambler
4) A guy who doesn't club or has grown out of this nonsense
5) Fillial to his parents and elders
6) A Christian of course
7) Respectable and decent
8) Approved by my parents
9) Someone who is able to tolerate my nonsense
Oh yes, while the superficial world is hypocritically proclaiming that looks do not matter, I stand by my opinion that physical attractiveness (and that in itself is rather subjective) is vital.
No, he need not be drop-dead gorgeous, but seriously, it would not help if your partner resembles a troll in your opinion. I know where I stand, and I am realistic about my expectations.
Alrighty, enough of nonsense. Time to go take a shower and bury my nose in my biz law notes and texts.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, February 24, 2006
♥ 11:50 PM
It's been a long day
After a gruelling week, Fridays are always spent doing a little reflection. Today is no exception.
You told me not too long ago that the person whom I want to and should be with is not you.
That blew me away. It forced me to think, to reevaluate my beliefs, to be honest with myself.
After all that has been said and done, please know that I am deeply sorry for all the unhappiness which I have so selfishly put you through. You were nothing but wonderful. Thank you for all the memories.
There really is nothing else I can say at this juncture.
Please forgive me.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, February 23, 2006
♥ 11:55 PM
Too much of a good thing
My stomach's churning now. I blame Jared for my predicament; he lied to me. Twice. *Grrrr*
Once again, on my way home, many thoughts crossed my mind, stirred up by the conversation I had with Mac this afternoon.
He reiterated the importance of accepting your partner, just the way he is. When two people enter into a relationship, there ought to be complete acceptance of the other party. Yes, you extol and embrace the positives, but the negatives have to be loved as well. They, together, form that person whom you gave your heart to.
Those are the traits which make him special. Those are the characteristics which drew you inexplicably to him in the first place.
On another note, Mac commented on the often melancholic tone of my posts; reading them gives people the impression that I am on the verge of suicide.
Alrighty then, just for you my friend, I shall endeavour to keep the next two posts as happy as possible. :)
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
♥ 10:35 AM
Walk the Line
The movie I caught with a few fencers last night.
Anyone who found the film lacklustre must have overlooked the essence of the film.
The intensity and fervency of Cash's emotions captivated me, made me think, caused me discomfort.
Indeed, the cynic inside was scoffing at the self-destructive nature of the country singer's way of loving Miss June Carter, while the rational part of my being actually wanted to believe that emotions of such great intensity can exist.
In a world where any relationship lasting more than a year can be called a "long term" one, the steadfast devotion of Cash to Carter seemed to take on incredible qualities which are beyond me.
On the way back - yes it was after midnight, and it would have been nice to have some company - I was inundated by a host of feelings. Is it really possible for a man to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally, so faithfully?
To be able to forgo everything one possesses just to pursue that chance at being with that special somebody is scaringly touching. For me, hearing a story like that was akin to witnessing a paradigm shift.
Never have I ever entertained the possibility that a man can continue loving somebody for years and years, hoping against hope that someday, they would be together.
Want to know my take on the opposite gender? Here goes nothing: Men are fickle creatures. "Out of sight, out of mind" would be the motto they adhere to. Promiscuity is the lifestyle they prefer.
At times, my cynicism scares me. However, as the saying goes, "Once bitten, twice shy". Can you blame me for thinking the way I do?
Try giving your heart to somebody and watching it being stomped on and thrown cruelly back at you. Then maybe you would understand my apprehension.
Maybe what I need now is a dose of Prince Charming on a white horse and some sleep.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, February 18, 2006
♥ 6:53 PM
A solitary lily
There is something so archingly beautiful about a single stalk of flower - specifically, a lily, in my case. Standing alone, it looks so vulnerable, so very very fragile. Yet, there is more than a hint of strength underneath this exceedingly delicate facade.
That one flower seems to proclaim to the world: "Look at me. I am not afraid of being alone. I am independent. I fear no one, I need no one."
However, let that not deceive you. Take a closer look, and you would find that this is apparently not so. More often than not, this sole warrior would be sitting pretty in a nice vase, immersed in a bit of water. It cannot survive alone. Support and nourishment are both crucial in ensuring that the lily continues to thrive.
Same goes for people. We all hide behind a supposedly magnificent, impenetrable mask. All in the name of self-preservation.
I have been described by many as being a thinker - that is, I appear aloof and distant, choosing not to participate in inane conversations. Someone very close to my heart told me recently that I have brought singlehood upon myself by coming across as being overly assertive, exceedingly independent, and intimidatingly frigid.
"No one would dare to approach and woo you...you are too lofty, too high maintenance" were his words.
That hurt.
I am what I am. Do not expect me to change. Yes, I put on a brave front, but if you cared enough to get to know me better, you would discover that underneath it all, I too, require support. I too, desire affirmation and approval. I too, am fully human.
I like being asked out on dates. I like receiving compliments. I like getting calls because people "just wanna chat". I want to someday be able to rely on the man for whom I have been created for. My desires are the same as any other damsel's.
At this juncture, having reflected on my long conversation with a dear friend, there is a realisation that my formidable facade might have worked against me. It is a painful, and most humbling process, but I will begin to slowly break down the thick brick wall which I have erected around me.
Then, perhaps it would be easier to love me, just the way I am.
I can do all things through Christ, for He gives me strength
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
♥ 1:42 PM
Assumptions, assumptions
Ever noticed how even the simplest error in communication can lead to the most catastrophic problem?
We are human beings, created in God's image. We are dynamic. We are different.
To believe that everyone thinks the same way and hence all relationships can be developed and sustained in the same manner is one sad fallacy.
In the same light, people do peg varying importance to a variety of issues.
Whatever happened to the promises you made?
Beautifully empty, meaningless words. Rich in aesthetics but sadly devoid of any hint of sincerity.
All that was needed to make my day yesterday was a simple message from you. I hankered not after an exorbitant bouquet of flowers nor a lavish meal at some chi-chi restaurant. All I desired was to know that you care, and that I matter to you.
I was disappointed. Yet again.
Maybe you were out partying the night away. Maybe you were with somebody else. The possibilities are endless, and I am too fatigued to explore all of them.
Whatever. Do what you will. You always have anyway.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
♥ 1:45 PM
Here we go again
No, there is no one special in my life. No, I am not going out on a date whatsoever tonight.
Yes,I surprised some friends by admitting that I would be holed up at home tonight, probably reading up for future buisness law lessons and the upcoming mid-term in week 9.
Well, although it would be nice to cuddle up and spend time with that special individual, there is no need to fret over this. I have been alone my whole life, and I am still surviving well. My time will come. I leave it all to God.
It's almost like what my sister said: "You get the things you want, simply by not trying."
While there would be no roses, no candelight dinner, no present wrapped up with pretty pink paper, topped with a sweet little bow, there really is no basis for me to complain.
I have in my hands a lovely family, wonderful friends, and of course, God.
So save all your pitying glances, for though my arms are devoid of the requisite flowers and chocolates, my life is filled to the brim. There is so much more to do, so many places to go, so many people to love.
When my time comes, it would be that much more special, knowing that I have waited my entire life, just for that other individual who would someday complete me.
Essentially, it is not how or where you spend this day, but who you spend it with...
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, February 13, 2006
♥ 5:32 PM
Untitled
Kinda ironic there isn't it?
Anyway, am supposed to be dilligently mugging for IE mid-terms tomorrow but Claire tagged me and I couldn't resist.
Here goes nothing! *deep breath*
SE7EN things/people that make me smile:
1. Starting my day with a prayer
2. Jesting with my sister Sharon
3. The adorable sight of him fooling around :)
4. Feeding the crippled black cat downstairs
5. Fencing after a long week at school
6. Spending time with my family
7. Seeing a rainbow after a storm
SE7EN ways to win my heart:
(would be nice to have someone actually do these things...hehz)
1. Be willing to accept me for what I am (fats, bad-temper and all)
2. Knowing when to give me those little calls to show that I am remembered
3. Spending time with me. (doesn't matter where we go)
4. Seeking my parents' blessings before courtship begins
5. Introducing me to your lovely family
6. Just be your goofy self (I like men who are not afraid to be silly)
7. Giving me a nice shoulder to lean on after a long day in school :)
SE7EN things I believe in:
1. Jesus as my Saviour and my Lord
2. The written word of God - the Bible
3. Love (my time - and guy - will come!)
4. The vows of marriage
5. Brushing my teeth at least twice daily
6. Manual cars being better than auto ones
7. Retail therapy ('nuff said!)
SE7EN things I'm afraid of:
1. Losing the people I love
2. The dark
3. Having to sleep alone in a dark bedroom
4. Heights (but I still love the Equinox!)
5. Failure in all sense of the word
6. Gaining weight - so bimbotic but so true
7. Having to be alone. Forever.
SE7EN things I do everyday:
1. Brush my teeth (hygiene is important!)
2. Pray pray pray
3. Laugh too loudly at inappropriate times
4. Er...bathe?
5. Thinking hard before I fall asleep
6. Wish for my new car to appear
7. Talk to my parents and sister
SE7EN things/people I want to see right now:
1. My SNGS clique (miss you all so much)
2. Fireflies
3. A beautiful rainbow
4. My new car...
5. Hmmz...him :)
6. Daddy, Mummy, Meimei
7. Kiki, my darling baby girl
SE7EN people who should also do this:
Oh well...not going to be evil *grinz* and arrow anyone. So please take the time to respond to this little tag if you wish to yea? :)
Now back to International Economics A...Happy Valentine's Day in advance!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, February 12, 2006
♥ 10:16 PM
No more tears
Big girls do not cry.
I won't. Not anymore at least.
Everybody has to grow up, has to leave a little bit of themselves behind. Right here, I am unburdening a heavy load. I am deserting it. In time to come, I might even forget.
Revelations can be most painful at times.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, February 10, 2006
♥ 10:26 PM
Frustration
Hell week is almost upon me.
2 mid-terms, 1 paper and 1 other inane assignment. Throw in assorted meetings, church and time spent with the family and you would understand why I have been in a daze of some sort for a few days now.
I suddenly cannot wait for the week-long respite from school to come.
On a totally different note, training today showed me how disgustingly unfit I have allowed myself to become. It's amazing what 3 weeks of inactivity can do to you. Good grief, I felt like a 21-year-old trapped in a geriatric's body. It was almost scary. Almost.
Training took my mind off things a little, but I felt a certain somebody creeping stealthily back into my consciousness on my long drive home. I am still awaiting an answer. I am still holding on, hoping, wishing, praying. God alone knows the desires of my heart. He alone knows what is best for me.
Until He has made his response crystal clear, I would remain passive.
Afterall, patience is indeed a virtue.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
♥ 3:52 PM
Desire
Lust. I can feel it pumping through my veins.
An uncontrollable urge to get my hands on my baby threatened to assail the rest of my senses.
Waiting is such an agony. I cannot wait for the day when we would be together.
It would be just you and me then. No one else would matter.
I would lovingly protect you with all I have. I would caress your sculpted body with reverrant hands.
You are so beautiful. So perfect.
It was worth the long and painful wait for you. Your appearance would make everything alright.
Just a while more my baby. Just a little while more.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, February 05, 2006
♥ 8:06 PM
What goes around comes around
I've lost my desire to fight. The need to hold my beloved blade in my hand is gone. The allure of winning bout after bout has dissipated. All that's left right now is a feeling of emptiness.
Granted, this term hasn't been the kindest to me, and amidst the incessent demands of schoolwork, sport would definitely have to take a backseat. The promise has been given to my folks. I would endeavour to see to it that they are not disappointed.
Disappointment. The one emotion which has been the bane of my existence for the past week or so. The one emotion which I do not want my parents to ever feel again.
Increasingly, with V-day approaching, I find myself becoming envious of my friends who would have somebody special to spend it with. Essentially, the whole commercialised idea of spending exorbitant amounts on bad food and awful flowers drives home the fact that at the end of the day, there is something oh-so-desirable about having a comfortable shoulder to lean on at the end of the day.
It is, after all, not as easy as it seems being single all my life. Imagine never having been presented with a single stalk of flower, never been out on a V-day night, never known what it is like to have someone I can call my own.
Imagine again how much hurt would be inflicted by insensitive comments by tactless individuals during this period of abject loneliness.
I desire not your "gift" of red roses. Your cruel jibe made it very clear to me how much I really mean to you.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, February 02, 2006
♥ 1:36 PM
Lies, lies and more lies
I do not know about you, but to me, promises are very important. Especially when they come from friends and people whom I love. Promises are accepted whole-heartedly by me because of this little thing I would like to call trust.
It is bad enough when promises made are broken. It is even more hurtful when you discover that you have been lied to.
Of course, I have often reminded myself that it is unwise to blog when I am feeling upset, but certain grievances need to be aired. No, I do not need anyone to "talk about it" with me. At times, all I want is to vent all my frustrations. Simple as that.
I did not force your hand. You could have just said no. There was no need to lie.
There, now you've angered me and spoiled my day. I hope you are happy now.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*