Wednesday, October 27, 2004
♥ 12:41 PM
In case you guys are interested in knowing, I'm sitting here in my school library trying to while away the time I have before my next lesson - yes it's Wednesday which means that I've a 4 hour break in between 2 classes. To add on to my misery, the school seems to think that all students have skins as thick as elephant asses' and so, they happily decide to turn the air conditioning on at ful blast. Granted, I am still able to waste my time and life away at the cafe, but this would mean that I would have to be a second-hand smoker. It's really a matter of choosing the lesser of the 2 evils.
Essentially, I'm currently feeling cold, not just physically but emotionally as well. I find it really hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm currently in a state of limbo. As mentioned in earlier posts, I am currently enamoured with someone who already has a paramour and although I know that he reciprocates my feelings, the idea that I may not secure his heart in the end fills me with immense fear. I don't want to lose him.
For the longest time, I have hoped to find someone who feels the same way about me and when I do finally locate him, guess what? He's taken. Talk about pure dumb, horrible luck. However, I'm still optimistic that he might (cross my fingers and toes) eventually select me over his current squeeze. I'm trying desperately to convince myself that the best thing I can do now is to let him go. If he returns to me, then he's mine for keeps. It's extremely difficult, however, and I find myself growing despondent. Then again, it might just be PMS.
In situations such as these, I trust God and His plans for me. Although I know not what is in store, I have utmost faith that He would never make decisions which would prove detrimental to my well-being. Ironic isn't it? I'm only able to fully comprehend the beauty of God's love in times of adversity. Thank God for his presence and support.
Of course, I've to give Him praise for gifting me with precious individuals whom I call my friends. I have many peers but few friends, and if I have trusted you with my blog address, then yes, you are one of my few friends. Thank you girls for your support and understanding. I would truly be lost without you guys.
Oh well, guess it's time to round off and head to Food Haven for a quick bite before I starve to death. Take care guys, all the best for all upcoming exams!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, October 23, 2004
♥ 4:09 PM
Some people may draw the line at having to butt in between 2 people who are in a relationship but seriously, wld it be wrong to do so if you know that one party is already restless and is ready to move on? I'm not trying to justify my actions - I'm merely stating plainly that I do indeed fancy someone who's already taken and I would definitely fight for him all the way. It may seem rather ruthless but I've to think of my own happiness too.
What I'm asking for is not for you to judge me, but rather, to just understand what I'm going through. You don't have to support me. All I ask is for your listening ear. This is a rather complicated situation but I'm confident that everything will be alright in the near future.
If it's in God's will, then surely it can't be a bad thing. Now all I can do is to pray and hope for the best.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Sunday, October 17, 2004
♥ 4:27 PM
Okay girls...I'm going to tell you something but please do not laugh...I want to share my happiness with those closest to me. Well, the thing is, I think I have developed a really huge crush on one of the fellas from school, and I coudln't be happier abt that. This signifies the fact that I've moved on, and although I feel that there's little chance of him reciprocating my feelings, I'm happy to just have him as a friend. It has been so long since I've met someone whom I'm so comfortable around.
Before you dudettes accuse me of gushing - which is exactly what I've been guilty of, think about this: it's been almost 3 years since I've liked another guy besides asshole, and I guess that reason's a good enough excuse. Sigh, he may not be the most handsome or the most intelligent, but when he's around, the whole room lights up and it's the most amazing feeling of euphoria ever!
Okay girls, time for me to go mug a little bit now. We really ought to meet up soon for a little tete-a-tete. Till then, please take care!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, October 11, 2004
♥ 8:09 PM
I'm so tired! Argh, I've this overwhelming urge to just skip the remainder of lessons for this week but alas, this is not possible as everything is being taught at a breakneck pace and so, to miss one lessons would be as good as academic suicide. Oh well, there's nothing much I can do except to grin and bear it.
Oh yes, thanks to food from a certain fast food restaurant, I suffered from food poisoning and threw up thrice last night. Isn't it the most
fruitful way to spend my Sunday evening? To add on to that, I've been having weird cramps which drive me absolutely nuts and trust me, Í'm this close to losing my sanity. Imagine this, you're a desperate student trying to cram in some last-minute reading before school when you're hit by the strongest wave of nausea later. The next couple of hours would be spent with your head in a toilet bowl, emptying the still distinguishable contents of my dinner ingested some hours earlier. Disgusting.
Right, enough said, time to get down to work - I've to type and send out minutes of my group's meeting to everyone. How fun.
I hope I survive the rest of school term. Wish me luck.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
♥ 2:57 PM
I'm halfway through my term break and I still feel as weary as before. I know some friends are worried about my current state of mind, but let me assure everyone that I'm fine, and that I'll somehow find a way to survive. Life can really be a huge burden at times, though ultimately, I'm still optimistic that things will work out beautifully according to God's will.
Alrighty, having met my Comms group yesterday, I feel much better. They're just such a lively bunch and I thank God continually for gifting me with a ahem, dynamic group such as this. Yes, some many comment that it's rather strange of me to choose to work with guys and guys alone, but let me clarify that this is not because I'm guy crazy but due to the fact that I do work better with guys. Enough said. I don't see the need to justify my actions to anyone - those dearest to me already know me well enough to draw their own conclusions.
It's sickening how when you manage to clear the pile of work which has been dumped on you, yet another equally huge heap replaces the previous one. It's almost as if I'm living in a world where nothing but work exists. Heck, I haven't been to town in ages. And yes, I do want to do a little bit of shopping from time to time - but I've not time. What the hell.
Right, so here's a little low-down on my pathetic existence. Now, I've to get back to work before going out later on - gotta attend some CCA gathering at Bedok. Sigh.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, October 04, 2004
♥ 7:30 PM
Broken
Seether feat. Amy Lee
I wanted you to know
I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
This song really touched me when I heard it, and it's one of my personal favourites right now. It's almost as if I am able to feel the anguish of the singers and this sensation's morbidly awesome. At times, I just allow my grief to take over and surprisingly, this move is therapeutic, although I wouldn't recommend this to anyone out there. I'm afraid to say this but I've always been a closet weirdo and I always will be.
Seriously, it is my personal belief that we have to experience the pain we've kept hidden in our hearts in order to move on. It may hurt - heck, it would definitely rip you apart momentarily - but at least the suffering's short term. So go ahead, just let your emotions run amok for a while if you dare. It may help you as much as it does me.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, October 01, 2004
♥ 8:08 PM
Do you feel despondent everytime someone whom you value and cherish as a friend does not reciprocate these feelings? I don't know about you, but I do. Although I keep telling myself to let go and just cease to regard this particular individual as a confidante and pal, I'm unable to do so.
It feels terrible whenever I read his blog and everyone around him receives a special mention from him. Everybody but me. What am I then? His girlfriend gets a poem written by him and yet, despite having stood by him for 3 years now, I do not even deserve a cursory mention. Honestly, I have given him everything I've had to offer, only to have them cruelly flung back in my face. How many more times am I going to inflict torment of this nature onto myself? How much more of this can I take before I shatter once again? It's been 3 emotionally draining years and I can take no more of this pain.
This rejection wounds me more than I would care to admit, and I'm sickened by my lack of restraint when it comes to how much I'm willing to sacrifice for him. And in case you're wondering, no, he does not read my blog and so, would never know the indignity I have bottled up inside my increasingly lonely heart.
In fact, only a handful of buddies around me know of the existence of this "diary" so to speak. You know who you are my dear girls and I thank God for blessing me with each and everyone of you. You guys are all so beautiful to me. I would be lost without you. You were the ones who helped me get back on my feet again when I stumbled; you were the ones who were there for me, through the good times and the bad. Thank you so much for putting up with all my nonsense throughout the years.
My dearest heavenly Father, please take away some of this hurt; I can no longer bear everything by myself. I'm so tired and broken.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
