Sunday, November 28, 2004
♥ 10:43 PM
How do you mend a broken heart?
Finally, the holidays are here, and for the next few weeks, I can leave all my project meetings and assignments behind. At long last, I can truly take a break, take a deep breath, and really do a little bit of self reflection. Of course, I would definitely spend more time on fencing now that I've free time on my hands.
Self reflection. These 2 words scare me. Evaluating my actions during the course of these past few months is going to be a painful experience for me. Old wounds would be probed and opened once more, tears are going to be shed, but what has to be done has to be done. Looking back, I realise that most of the time, I've been too giving, and I've lost myself during the process of opening my heart up to that particular someone whom I'm deeply enamoured with.
Oh heck, I'll just take things one step at a time and attempt to unravel the mystery that we call life slowly, at my own pace. Given my current state of mind, this would be the wisest route to take to recovery. At this juncture, I feel a need to thank God for His strenth, His guidance, and also for bringing me back to Him once more. With God here, there's really nothing to fear.
After all that's been said and done, I feel like I'm back to square one. Sigh.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
♥ 2:30 PM
One down, one more to go...
Alrighty, I took my STAT101A paper this morning and it was pretty terrible. I was completely stumped by 90% of the questions and I did prepare for this particular exam. At least I think I did. Oh well, one down, one more to go - psychology paper on Friday morning - then it's party time my darlings!
Okay, I gotta thank God for seeing me through the paper this morning. It is by His grace that I was able to complete some of the questions. I could never have done it alone. Thank God for His wisdom, and the strength He has given to me. Thank God for everything. I have faith that despite all my misgivings, everything will be alright in the end.
I know fully well that I ought to be mugging for my psychology exam, but somehow, I am so tired or rather, I'm so distracted that I am unable to settle down and really concentrate on what I am supposed to cover. I've been doing pschology for the past week and frankly, I'm rather sick and tired of it already. Fine, so I'm not an exemplary student but my dearies, you girls know that I've been this way ever since secondary school. Sigh, some habits die hard.
Speaking of had habits, I realise that I've been eating way way way to much and I've been putting on weight ever since school started. Time to do something about this. Right, ok girls, I'm gonna do some exercise and then it's back to my books. Drop me smses after all your exams yea? It's high time we met up!
Till then, all the best to those still having exams. God bless!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, November 19, 2004
♥ 8:22 PM
There's a time for everything...right?
I'm on study leave this week. Guess the school is really kind to allow us one whole week to ourselves so that we can hopefully devote all of our time to our books and readings. Well, contrary to their belief, many of us - me included - have digressed quite a bit. Many of my friends have been meeting up with their boyfriends as well as their buddies. As for me, I have been alternating between studying and self-reflection. Fine, ok, not self-reflection; rather, I've been thinking about him. Yes yes yes, I do miss him a little. There, I've said it.
Well, I don't really mean to consciously think about him and the times when I'm with him, but whenever my mind has some spare time to wander off, it inevitably drifts off to my little hidden land of happiness. Regardless of what my friends have told me about him, no matter how I've tried to convince myself that he's toxic, the fact remains that I truly was happy whenever I was him with him. Even sitting there, waiting for him to get his hair cut seemed to me like the most fulfilling task I've ever had to do.
I know I'm drifting off into a land of fantasy once more, and I do request that you girls who are faithfully reading my blog just allow me this one moment of indulgence. I need that. I see this as my one moment of folly, an exhibition of my weakness and vulnerability, but at the same instance, I'm hooked on it. This is a paradox, and I admit that I am at conflict with myself. More than ever, I am turning to God for support. More than ever, I need His love and guidance to see me through this tumultuous time.
Thank God for showing His mercies and love. I know fully well that my strength comes not from myself but Him. I'm thankful that He has continually shown me the right path to take, and the paini feel is remarkably less than what I have expected - this can only be the divine hands of God at work. Thank God once again for His goodness.
Now, it's back to work again. I really need decent grades in the upcoming exams, especially for stats. Oh well, I believe that God will see me through everything. God is good, all the time!
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, November 15, 2004
♥ 10:25 AM
Letting Go
I've been thinking things through these past few weeks, and I've finally come to a decision that yes, I should back down and let go of what isn't mine to have in the first place. There is no more point in trying to deceive myself. There is no reason for me to go on hoping for the impossible. What's done is done, and I've no regrets whatsoever. The times which we have spent together will lways remain as tender, sweet memories.
Here, I would like to give God all the glory and all the praise for seeing me through, for granting me the strength to stand firm on my choice and not waver. It hasn't been easy, but I will not falter with God behind me all the way. All thanks and praise be to Him for His goodness and mercies. There is no one like Him, and I've began rediscovering His faithfulness and His love. Thanks be to God and Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour.
Honestly, this past month has been absolutely crazy, and I've mostly been to caught up in this craziness to realise that I've neglected God. I've strayed from my calling and I've lost faith. However, God's faithfulness has ensured that I've not fallen apart, and that I've remained strong in the midst of adversity. Thank God once more for His tremendous love and support.
After having weighed my options, it's clear to me that I do not want to play second fiddle to any girl, no matter how much I may love a guy. Although the prospects of being his girlfriend by the side seemed to be sufficient to keep me happy, I know now that this is not real. There's no way I can share my man with anyone else. And I shouldn't. I deserve better.
After all that's been said and done, I'm glad that I've finally realised what I want. I've matured, and that's just fabulous.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
♥ 10:08 AM
The Ultimate Stupid Act
Okay. I admit, I'm dumb. Next week is study week for all of us who have been slogging for the past 3 months, and instead of setting it aside for some desperately needed rest and study time, I just had to sign up for some bloody CIP. What the heck was I thinking?? Was I even thinking? Damn.
Right. Yes girls, I've been in a snitty mood for a week already, and it's going to persist till my exams are all over. I've put on a shitload of weight which I hope to lose over the hols too. Life really stinks. It's as if it can detect when you're already close to the brink of insanity, and it would then deliver another blow to you to bring your morale down one more notch.
Alrighty, gotta head out now....going to do my stupid CIP now. Laterz galz.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Thursday, November 04, 2004
♥ 12:46 PM
I'm currently sitting in a GSR, doing nothing because my team mates are late. This is infuriating. Look at it this way: You've been through army, been exposed to the rigours of life, and yet, upon ORD, you seem to become, well, stupid all over again. For the life of me, I cannot imagine how someone can be an hour late when you jolly well know that we have a presentation later and hence this meeting prior to this. What's the point in turning up 20 mins before the presentation? Life is so strange. Ok, he's finally here. I have to go. Wish me luck.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
