Wednesday, September 29, 2004
♥ 9:00 PM
Have you ever wondered why happiness and all things wonderful seem to pass you by? Is it just me or are people just so hostile these days? Truly, I don't feel like I can fit in anymore, and I carry this burden around wherever I go. Although it has been said that the world is exactly how one perceives it to be, I can't help but feel that it's not me...it's society.
Although life hasn't been kind to me, I know that I can find solace and support in God. He's the one who loves me the most, and I can always rely on Him and joy in His unconditional love for me. It is in times like this that I feel particularly wretched. I don't deserve His love, His blessings, His mercies, but He provides them to me cotinually regardless. Thank God for His goodness.
Oh well, guess I'm not as happy as I appear to be. Then again, we all hide behind facades do we not?
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
♥ 12:24 PM
Have you ever had to suffer the indignity of putting a great deal of effort into a friendship, only to have that person drop you like a hot potato all of a sudden? I have, and the feeling irks me so much that I have this great uncontrollable urge to scream at him, and to give him a good kick in the balls.
I've done nothing to deserve this, and I will not allow all my hard work to go down the drain like that. Avoidance is not the best way to end a friendship, and being mature young people, I've no inkling as to why he has chosen this particular method to deal with this situation. If that's how it's going to be, then don't blame me for being ruthless.
Don't be mistaken - I can be a saint - but rub me the wrong way and I guarantee you that the claws will come out. And trust me, it will not be pretty when I decide to retaliate. Here's what you get for crossing me.
Serene is one angry bitch as of now.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Monday, September 20, 2004
♥ 7:10 PM
Okie dokes, got back my mid term paper for Psychology, and thank God that I did not fail. In fact, I got a B-, which to some is really disgraceful but I'm just thankful to pass given the fact that I didn't really have enough time to prepare for this particular test. Thank God for His blessings, thank God for seeing me through this. All honour and glory be to Him. Truly, this is testament of His love and concern for His children.
Having said that, I have to admit that I've been far from committed as a Christian, and it just gets harder and harder as I get busier with each passing week. However, I promised myself that things have to change, and with proper time management, I'm sure I can conquer anything that stands in my way!
By the way, wanna let all my pals know that I miss them a lot, especially after I started school. thank you galz for everything you've given to me.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
♥ 2:12 PM
It's 2.15 pm and I'm in my school library, wasting my life, my time, my youth due to the fact that I've a close to 4-hour break in between my only 2 lessons for the day. Total time of these 2 lessons: 3 hours. See what I mean? All the idocry's killing me. My life does not make any more sense, and my LTB course is driving me up the bloddy wall and down the other side. I cannot take it anymore. I'm seeing my group mates more than my parents, and this is just scary.
On another grave note, I had my psychology mid-term 1 today, and although it wasn't horrendous, it wasn't that bad either. Thank God for seeing me through my very first exam as an SMU student. Praise His holy name that I did not break down upon seeing the stacks and stacks of readings which I did not even skim through right up to this morning. Thank God for all His blessings.
While we're on the subject of God's blessings, I've a story to relate. Well, it's more like a testimonial but anything goes
la. I was at Potong Pasir the other evening buying dinner, and I almost met with an accident on my way out of the car park. I mean, I missed the next car by a hair's breadth! It was so amazing, and I did not doubt even for a second that it could only be God at work. I thank Him for sending His angels to guide and protect me, and I thank Him for loving me so much and so unconditionally even though I've been a rotten Christian - can I even call myself one?
Okay, from there, I'll head back to Grumble Land. There's just so much to be done and so little time. Reading after reading greets me when I get home, and the thought depresses me thoroughly. I don't even have time to maintain my blog properly anymore. This sucks. And I meant that.
Well, this is it. I'm gonna change my blogskin now. To hell with school.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Friday, September 10, 2004
♥ 9:51 AM
Sigh, life's been so hectic that I can't even find time to revise for my psychology mid term that's coming up really soon - this coming wednesday to be exact. Am I screwed you ask? Well, depends on how much you value a good grade for this course...er...of course. For me, I want nothing below an A- and the pressure's stifling me. On top of this, there are projects and various assignments which would no doubt further sap me of my already fast-depleting energy. What wouldn't I give for a breather! Sheesh, whoever said that university would be better than JC ought to be taken to a dank, musty room and shot. Twice. That's what you get for fibbing damn you. So let's all not be liars here yea.
Did my individual presentation for Communications class yesterday, and am thoroughly dismayed by my lacklustre performance. I practised, I researched, and yet, when I was standing up there, I lost all rationale and even misplaced the fact that I had all my data in the sheet of paper I was holding. In a nutshell, I feel like I've betrayed myself.
However, every cloud has a silver lining, or so they say, and I thank God for seeing me through this whole ordeal. Personally, I could never have completed the speech on my own. He provided me with the courage to speak even though I was unsure of what to actually enunciate, and He prompted me when I felt lost looking at the sea of faces which greeted me when I was standing in front of the room. Thank God for boosting my confidence, and for masking my anxiety - friends actually commented that I was calm when I truly wasn't! Thank God for His blessings!
Okay, gotta run. I've an LTB meeting to attend later. Gosh, will this rubbish never end?
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Saturday, September 04, 2004
♥ 4:05 PM
Loneliness. It's this feeling of alienation and emptiness despite all the activity which goes on around us. Although I've been surrounded my pple and lessons since school commenced, I've also never felt more alone in my entire life. Like I've mentioned on my tag board, university life is harder than it seems, and when everything becomes too superficial, I feel like I'm being suffocated. This is not just a feeling of intense sadness - it's a void so huge that nothing can be done to fill it up. Am I broken? Yes I am.
What's not helping matters is that work is piling up and most of the time, I'm too drained to complete some of it and this gets me all worked up again. Call it a vicious cycle if you will, but seriously, I've not felt so tired in years and it's scaring me half to death. However can I carry on like this for the next few years?
This aside, I admit that I've been in a somewhat skanky mood and this has led to blow ups within my project group. While I know that I should learn to be more accomodating, a part of me is screaming that my actions are justifiable as I'm so unhappy. Gosh, my brain's so mangled now that I've lost a part of my rationale.
Whatever it is, praise God for the group of wonderful friends - you know who you are - who have been supporting me and not judging me. This means so much to me at this point in time and I would be lost without you people. Thank you.
And as for those who have made unfair assessments of me, well, fuck you all.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
♥ 12:41 PM
How do you mend a broken heart? This is, (surprise surprise) my friends,not a rhetoric question. How exactly is this complicated issue resolved? Fine, although it has been mentioned during class that the brain is the mastermind behind everything which takes place in our lives (be it emotional or physiological), I'm still a stubborn romantic at heart - I still hope to believe that we fall in love with our hearts, and not our minds. What the heck, guess I may be in yet another emotional rut and I hate having to deal with strong emotions like this.
Moving on, I'm actually in the library currently, whiling my time away as I have a long long break today - 4 hours to be exact - and I'm too lazy to drive home only to have to make another trip back to school later on for class. Should I skip class then? The thought is tempting but alas! I am a good girl at heart afterall. Actually, that's not entirely factual either. The truth of the matter is that I do not wish to get into trouble with the faculty members. Period. Sigh, with school getting busier, I find my ahem, fuse getting shorter - Sheesh, it's like PMS-ing ALL the time. Scary isn't it?
In terms of the content of my courses, they have been satisfactory so far, although LTB is messing up my schedule as there is just so much to be done. What with meetings on top of fencing training, my social life is officially extinct. I haven't been to town in ages, much less stepped into a movie theater. Pathetic but true. Oh well, it helps to know that there are others who are suffering more than I. It's comforting, albeit in a disturbingly sadistic manner.
You know, having been in uni for about a month now, it has dawned on me that although you're surrounded by people wherever you go, you are also the loneliest soul in school. What I'm trying to imply is that yes, it;s true that friends can be garnered everywhere but deep, meaningful relationships can no longer be established. Hence, I'm grateful for past opportunities which have allowed me to build friendships wih people that last. Having said that, I do miss my friends so much. There's just o time for us to meet up and just hang out anymore. If you guys are reading this, do plan for a get-together sometime soon yeah?
Okay, time to go source for my psychology readings. Damn, life sure gets tiring at times.
*~and you'll never know till you get there~*
